Ruins

“So now you’d better stop and rebuild your ruins, for peace and trust can win the day despite all of your losing.” Led Zeppelin

How does anyone do it?

How can someone really think that it’s okay to take whatever pain they’re feeling out on another?

Is it really that fun? Is the act itself worth it? Can any pleasure - derived from actions taken from pain - really be worth the damage inflicted?

It is difficult to trust. It is difficult to let go. Sometimes, it is difficult to see very far past ones self. There are no more excuses. No more pretending that everything is okay.
Because in reality, it is not.

The result is loneliness. Exhaustion from blocking people out. It is literally like an invisible wall, one that can be felt.

That girl is missed. The carefree girl. She knew she was smart, she knew she was lovely. She was loved beyond measure. Still is, but just can’t feel it as much. She enjoys being invisible, it is difficult to break the bubble…

It sucks to be numb.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And hey, guess what? There is an answer. An answer to anything and everything. An answer to any past wrongs, any injuries that seemed irreparable.

The answer is inside of you, has been there all along. No one can teach it to you. Sure, it can be pointed out, but there is only ONE who can GIVE it to you.

Breathe in, breathe out, just let it happen. If you don’t know it, seek it. If you don’t believe in it, open your mind a little. Open your heart a little. Try to see the world as it is, not as everyone tells you.

God is seeking you out, let Him find you.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You know, the funny thing about being treated badly is this: you get used to it. You get comfortable with it. If someone treats you the opposite way, treats you well, now THAT is uncomfortable. If something is foreign to you, no matter how good it is, it will make you uneasy. Yep, it’s a funny thing…

The 'one' I've been 'waiting' for...

Thought I'd never find you. Lo these many years, I've been waiting... in eerie fascination. What would you be like? In what way would you 'pop up' in my life? Would you be welcomed? Or cut out like a bad seed....?

And now I have you. What happens from here? Oh, my first... precious? unwanted? endearing? annoying?................ FIRST WHITE HAIR!

Ahhhh! What in the world!?!?!? I am devastated. Okay, not really, I'm not that vain. It's just such... a ... weird thing. I actually found it about a month ago, and immediately told the first person I saw (my roommate Sarah), then the following 3 or 4 people I saw (total strangers/friends of Sarah's). That was a weird reaction. And what a great first impression, 'oh yeah, I met Sarah's friend... she was... interesting...'

So, it sticks straight up about 1.5 inches, right in the front of my hairline, right in the part. Straight.up. One of the first thoughts I had was, 'I haven't even had kids yet, and I'm going gray!'

I've been asked if I will pull it out, but I have decided not to (as you can tell, I've told TOO MANY PEOPLE). I am curious as to what it will do. Will it grow out long and gracefully, or be one of thise kinky white-gray hairs. Will it be curly/wavy like the rest of my hair seems to be going? I will say that it is a nice snow-white. Not an ugly gray...

So anyway, what a year. I turned 30, have had a great religious/spiritual awakening, and have found my first white hair. This year will go down in the books, I tell ya...

Thought of the Day: November 5 (yesterday)

I had a thought yesterday. I need to quit worrying so much about what other people think of me, and concentrate more on how I see myself.

I spend SO MUCH TIME analyzing why so-and-so treats me one way, or how such-and-such things keep on happening...

Well, I'm officially done. I've been pretty good about catching myself now, when I try to figure out why someone has to put me down, you know, in those little ways that aren't always noticeable (think 'frenemy'-type behavior, I watched a segment on the subject on The Today Show: http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/02/444392.aspx). I've just got to stop it. There is no way I could ever figure out why someone behaves in that way, because there is no way I could know someones heart in that way. And it's not my job to know it. It's not my concern.

So, for instance, in my many over-analytical discussions with myself on these types of people, I often think it has something to do with where they are in life right now, maybe they are disappointed by certain aspects of their lives, and feel the need to take it out on others. Well, guess what? If I'm right about that, THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. So why even think about it in the first place? Not to say I wouldn't be there for a friend who is going through something, but there isn't much sense in thinking about it unless they ask me too. Plus, I could be totally wrong.

Anyway, I'm just not going to waste my energy on it anymore. This kind of thinking has taken the focus off of me, and where I want to be in my life. Too much worrying about what other people think or their actions will do that to a gal!

What do you do when your prayers are answered...

I'm talking literally answered in one day... Well, here is what happened...

I want to say this happened about 2 months ago, but it could be more than that. I had been very sporadically going to church by myself. And I HATE going to church by myself. By nature, I'm reallllllly shy, so it's just kind of hard. Especially when I'm used to being in a church where my family is there, not just my biological family, but my church family. People who have known me my whole life and such...

So, let's just say it's not easy for me to go to church alone. I had planned on going one day, and before I went, I prayed that someone would come up and talk with me, that I would meet someone who would 'reach out' to me, if you will.

And that morning in church it happened. I sat in the back, and someone came in late, and sat next to me. She struck up a conversation with me, because she thought she'd seen me there before. We exchanged phone numbers (because I told her I didn't know anyone at the church, and she wanted to fix that!).

Fast forward to this week. I never did call her, but finally decided to. I called her Sunday night, and heard back from her yesterday. She is going to try to set up a time for single women from the church to meet and get to know each other. Also, she told me where she and her husband and baby sit, and to try to find her for Sunday morning service. How great is that?!?

Now, the question is, why did I wait so long? I mean, I prayed for this to happen, and it literally happened just as I asked for, within 12-hours. So, why didn't I go along with it? Why didn't I jump at the chance to make a new friend, a new Christian friend?

It seems a bit ridiculous that when a prayer was answered, literally right in my face, that I would ignore it. I really don't get it. Still, I think it all worked out okay. Maybe the message in this is that God will answer our prayers, but we have to be ready to receive them, and I'm just lucky that mine didn't expire.

You see, I had this moment...

I recently went to San Francisco to run/walk my first marathon. And I had an amazing moment when I was there. Just felt like sharing.

Let me preface this by referring you, dear reader, to some of my most recent blogs. To summerize, I have found myself in this 'place.' It is a turning point in my life journey, my spiritual journey, my Christian journey. I have had an incredible awakening, a series of real 'snap-out-of-it' moments.

In reaction to 'all of this,' I have been listening to Christian music. Last week I reconnected with an old high-school friend (on Facebook of course). He is in the music ministry, and has made a cd with his wife. I decided to buy it off of iTunes, and listen to it on my loooong flight to San Francisco.

All I gotta say is that it is my new favorite cd. Every song is amazing. Some of the songs really reflect what I am going through right now. Others are just amazing praise songs. And when I really like a cd, I will listen to it over and over again (I did this with Evanescence, Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, too).

Now, back to San Francisco. We stayed in a great hotel, and I was supposed to have a Team In Training roommate. She ended up staying with family pretty much the whole time, so basically I had a room all to myself. I am confident there was a purpose to this. Another cool thing was that there was an iPod docking station in my room. Again, pretty sure there was a purpose to this.

So, it was Saturday afternoon. I had time to kill, and was supposed to be resting and relaxing for the marathon the next day. I listened to the cd again. And again. I really just felt the music, really listening to the words for the first time. Then I went to my window, and saw a cross.

And it all hit me at once, I began to cry, and say aloud "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I was speaking to God, to Jesus, conveying yet again the sorrow I felt from my selfishness. But you see, there was this other thing. I had finally, finally forgiven myself. And that really has made all the difference.

You see, I had an epiphany. All along, I knew, I knew that God had forgiven me of everything. But I truly couldn't forgive myself. And when I was in that place, that other one where I kept doing the same old things, feeling guilty, then doing it all over again... the reason I couldn't break the cycle was that I hadn't truly forgiven myself. In that hotel room, I finally did it, I finally felt worthy. WORTHY. And I had to do that to move on with this amazing journey.

And I can't explain it, but there has been this inexplicable shift. I feel different when I pray. Ahhh, so weird, it's like my mind has expanded, broadened, it's peaceful, it's wonderful. Wish I could share it with you. Hopefully this post can give you a glimpse (if you want it). I am just bursting, all I want to do is share how I feel.

Love and Blessings,

Mandi

P.S. Check out the music I listened to, Matthew and Lizi:

http://www.myspace.com/matthewandlizi

Flippin'

I don't know when this all happened, but it is really recent. I have changed. In a good way, well at least in my eyes. If you don't know how, just read my most recent blogs, they pretty much sum it up. Yeah, they pretty much say it all.



However, they say it all pretty seriously, as in 'hey, where did your sense of humor go, or at least a semblance of personality???' So, although I'm pretty different than, say, I was about 3 months ago, I'm still me, I'm still here. Just wanted to make that clear.



And since I have nothing else to say, I'm going with random thoughts today:



* My favorite color is green, but I've been leaning towards purple lately. No idea why, but I'm even thinking about having my next tattoo be a purple one.



* Have you ever heard that tattoo's are addictive? Well, they are. Doesn't necessarily mean I will get a new one, but I've been thinking about it lately. Haven't had one in about 5 years, and only have 2. Chris, if you are reading this, I will SO go do it with you!!! (see, I CAPITALIZED, bolded and italicized it, so that means I'm serious).



* Think I've settled on a favorite song. For some reason I really like 'Holding My Last Breath' by Evanescence. Been listening to it a lot lately, and I mean a lot as in 'on repeat - a lot.'



* Can I really run 20 miles tomorrow, even though I haven't run in 2 weeks (well, except for 3 miles last night (been sick)), and the longest distance I have run is 14 miles??? Hey, it's only 6 miles more, and it's all mind over matter, anyway... right???



* I have lived in DC for 1.5 years, and am finally getting used to calling it home, even still - I sometimes feel like a visitor/tourist. Like I will be going back to live in Arkansas any day now. Is that weird? Because I really like it here.....



* I bought lunch for a homeless man today. I never give money to homeless people, but the sound of his voice touched my heart. He was asking for food, so I decided to buy him some. Plus I just wanted to help someone.



* I went for a run last night, and a guy (pretty cute, I might add) was driving past. He asked me how to get to 66. Told him I wasn't sure, because I don't drive around here. (think he would have to get on 395, head toward the airport, but I wasn't sure). He said okay, but then kept saying 'this sucks, this sucks.' I swear, he was mad at me! Probably not, but it was weird.



* Speaking of cute guys, when I went to the doctor last week, I was first evaluated by a med student. He was totally cute, and his name was Ace! No kidding, it was even embroidered on his white doctor's coat. I think I'm in love. (okay, not really ;) ).



* How is it that Ellen Degeneres is so flippin' funny? I'm watching her right now. Does she practice at it? Is it an innate ability that she has nurtured into this incredible talent that she brings to millions of people every day? And how in the world does one live in that world? I could never have millions of people watching me every-single-day. Whooooa, the pressure... but it does seem like a good way to make money.



* I think it was Twain who once said people live the majority of their lives in their heads. Okay, I can see that.



* Dr. Phil is talking about the 'Jena 6' right now. I know it's been in the news, but I only read about it today. Made me want to cry, the ignorance that still exists in this world... Oh, by the way, Phil is talking about 'where are the parents,' which is a very good point. And yes, I'm on a first name basis with him, isn't everyone?


* I have got to drink more water today.


* Okay, it was bugging me, so I looked it up. “Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head.” Oh yeah, and Mark Twain said that.


* Yesterday, I decided to be a 'MySpace stalker' (wait for it, it's not as bad as it sounds). I searched some of my exes. Found 2. One I messaged, because hey, he's a nice guy. The other... I didn't message, and it doesn't look like he really uses MySpace. He was the guy that, well, let's just say I'm glad he's out of my life. Took the term 'player' to a whole new level. His only friends were Tom and a 20 year-old girl in PA (and he doesn't live anywhere near there). Weird...


* I'm about to make a bold statement here. Still working on it, thought, you will just have to wait!


* I find it fascinating that I am the kind of person who keeps moving around... and I tend to date the same kinda of people (hence the 'no really long-term relationships' in my back pocket). What's up with that? Although I will say that a psychic once told me that I'm a lot like my father, as far as moving around a lot (the man has lived in Mexico City, South Africa, and Baghdad for goodness sake! I've only done Fayetteville, Little Rock, Waco and DC), that he worries about me, and doesn't see that I'm like him. She also told me to stay away from Navy guys, and that I will have twins. So, we'll see...

Oh yeah, she also told me that we pick our parents. Think on that one awhile, won't ya?!?


* Okay, went and got more water, you don't to worry about it anymore! And I know you were, don't try to deny it...


* I wonder who actually reads my blogs. I know of a few people, but I think it was 26 people that read my last one. So, is that 26 people, or are some people reading it more than once? Hmmmm... which.could.it.be?


* "... and it POURED DOWN RAIN ON ME." That one's for my sister, in case she's reading this.


* I just opened up a Dove dark chocolate, and it says, "Get lost walking in a corn maze." Huh??? Does that sound like fun? Or even comforting, soothing? And where in the world would I even find a corn maze? I would have to plan a trip or something, this is stressing me out...


* "If you don't know God, than you can never know love." There it is, my bold statement.

Said it before, I will say it again. I wish everyone could feel the way I feel. Because it's awesome. So yes, I've changed, but trust me, in a good way. Makes me want to cry. Cry for joy in my new awakening, but in sadness a bit, because I know there are people who will never let themselves feel this way. Some of those people could be friends of mine. They may very well never know the absolute joy and happiness that I feel every.single.day. And it's all so simple, you just have to let it happen. And you probably have to change your life, yeah-that's not so simple. But please, if you have any inkling, just give it a try. I promise you, its SOOO worth it.

The Road More or Less Traveled

"And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction"

~I Corinthians 7:35

I have a feeling that it's all a cruel trick. This world we live in, where flighty heiress' and down-trodden pop stars make more news than things that matter... how incredibly laughable it all is. I can't say that I'm not guilty of being entertained by it all. It's everywhere you look, 'people' are becoming 'brands' (check out this article in the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/16/magazine/16zoe-t.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin).

The thing is, it's all a grand distraction. Why spend any time reading my Bible, going to church, fellowshipping (is that a word?) with other Christians, meditating on God and faith... when I can read US Weekly, Perez Hilton, watch all the gossip every imaginable? Or better still, when I can go out and get drunk with attractive, successful, seemingly happy people.

The answer is simple. Because it's EASY. That is the essence of a distraction... that it is easier than what you are attempting to do. It is easier to strive for the superficial. If I were still going out and getting drunk all the time, I would have a lot more 'friends.' Friends I could go through like kleenex's (that's what they seem to do), but friends all the same. I like to refer to those kinds of people as acquantances, actually. I'm pretty picky about who I label 'friend.' And the sad thing is, if I join in on these 'mind-numbing pursuits,' I could probably have more dates, and even find a better job. It's all about connections, especially in this city.

But I digress. The road most traveled, that's where I was. Of course I was there, it was SO MUCH EASIER, and on the surface... a lot more fun. It is only when I realized what it really was.... a distraction... that I got tired of it. Yet while I'm tired of it, and feel as though I'm getting off of it, I'm still there in some ways.

I may still gossip, drink one too many on occassion (although not NEAR as much as I used to, Thank God), or any number of other sins. Some may see me as hypocritical when this happens... when I lose my way. The reality of it is, I'M HUMAN. Born to make mistakes ("I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made..." remember that song?). Yes, I am human, as in not perfect.

I wrote a blog about this, kinda. I didn't post this one on MySpace, but here is what I said about it:

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Don't judge a book by it's cover...
So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.

So what I'm trying to say is... I apologize. I apologize to everyone for things I've done in my past, I apologize for things I might do in the future that will let people down. Because I am human, and yes, I will let people down. Just know that I will beat myself up over it, more than anyone else ever could.

*****
These distractions are making me numb, numb to the reality of the world. Please God, help me to see them for what they are, and help me get back on that road less traveled.
*****

"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind"

~Thoreau


The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

Livin' on a Prayer

Living on a prayer, literally every day.

Every.Single. Day.

Trying VERY hard to pray continuously.

Know that it is not in my nature to do so.

Feel as though I'm not doing it right.

Know that there is no other way.

You have to feel the effects of a fall before you can recognize and appreciate the reward of standing tall.

Impatient. Waiting. Hoping.

Looking for a connection.

ACHING for it.

At the same time, feel as though I'm closed off.

Have become even more picky.

Don't want to pine after the impossible.

LOOKING-CONNECT

Don't want this wall to stay up.

Not sure how to break it down.

Know that is has served me well in the past, when I wasn't paying attention.

When I let people in who didn't deserve to be there.

Feeling incredibly helpless, and knowing that this is how it is supposed to be.

Trying to appreciate it, and actually succeeding at times.

MIRACULOUS

Marveling at the state I'm in.

Feel floaty, feel free.

FREE.

It is still a struggle.

One that doesn't go away.

This struggle should be embraced.

It is why we are here.

IT.IS.WHY.I'M.HERE.

GOODNESS.

It is everywhere, you just have to seek it.

Wish it were more pervasive.

Know that the world doesn't work that way.

"We are all fallen creatures, and very hard to live with" C.S.L.

Know where this world is headed, led by human nature.

NOT.PRETTY.AT.ALL.

FAITH.

Faith in God. In His Plan. In His Guidance. In His LOVE. In His Forgiveness.

Everything else pales in comparison.

EVERYTHING-ELSE.

PRAY.

Pray for Forgiveness, for Happiness, for LOVE, for everything and nothing at all.

Feel selfish, admit this in my prayers to Him.

Funny, because He already knows.

Does God laugh?

TIRED.

Emotionally, physically, mentally tired.

Looking for fulfillment.

Feels as though I'm on my way.

Wish I could take YOU with me.

Can't.

This trip is to be made alone.

restless AND content???

Wouldn't you know it? I'm restless.. again. Ahhhhh. It's a weird restless. Because in a way, I'm more content than ever, but in another way... I'm restless!

I'm content in that I feel as though I finally know how I want to live my life. Do you know how that feels? It feels great. I highly recommend to anyone to FIGHT for this. Fight whatever it is inside of you that is holding you back from how you want to live your life. WHATEVER or HOWEVER that is.

The hard part is actually going through with it. Will people still like me after all of this? Because I will be changing A LOT. I have already changed a lot. It's just that I haven't explained it to people. Do I have to? I think so. But maybe not. Ahhh, I don't know...

I am afraid. Afraid to lose friends. Afraid to push people away. But more afraid to NOT change. To NOT become the person I want to be.

I'm also anxious. Anxious to get on with it. Anxious to meet new people that I can talk to about this stuff. Anxious to meet a guy who will think the same way, who will know God as I do. Who will want to live this way. With me. I want to raise my kids (when and if I have any) with someone who sees eye to eye with me on this. Because religion is something that I just can't compromise on with a partner. I will never do that again.

So, if you are reading this, please pray for me. If you don't pray, please send me good wishes. I am trying, really trying. I am reminded of when my brother surrendered to preach. When he finally DID it; well, he has been happier than he has ever been. Although I'm not surrendering to preach, I am SURRENDERING. As a result, I'm happier than I've ever been, too. Finding that joy in your life... isn't that what it's all about?

Compromise

To know me, REALLY know me, highlight below:

I am a Christian. It is not something that I will compromise anymore. It is not something to be hidden, swept under a rug, kept as a shameful secret. I'm tired.

I am tired of looking in the wrong places. Exhausted by the chase of mind-blowingly numb pursuits.

I have been THINKING. Thinking A LOT lately. I have been spending more time alone. Funny thing is, I never FEEL alone any more. I know I'm not, and never will be. Never have been. I've learned to accept what God wants for my life, not to second guess 'why I don't have this, or why I can't have that.' For me, finally. God is enough.

I feel as though I'm having my time in the wilderness. Something that I've done on my own, a place where I must try to get by without wordly desires. Of course, this is a quasi-wilderness, and I'm not under the impression that I have sacrificed anything. Certainly, I haven't been to hell and back, or been tested by God in any grand way.

I think that it is in those small, everyday happenings that God speaks to us. It's clever, it's quiet, it's powerful.

With these happenings well, let's just say, I've heard them loud and clear. The happiest times of my life are when I am in the pursuit of God. Of knowledge, of understanding. Of acceptance and willingness to give. To give of myself, to turn away from myself, to recognize that God is ultimately in control. I am grateful for that.

Being a Christian is an ever-active endeavor. You must be relentless, 'keep your eye on the prize,' vigilant.

A few things I've realized...

*Love is not to be forced. Life is not to be forced. To a certain extent yes. You must put forth effort in everything you do. But not to the detriment of your values, to your relationship with God. Pray without ceasing.

*To not regret what you've done in the past. To that end, you must learn a lesson from it, and do not forget that lesson. Be an apt pupil of your past, your present. Finding the balance between not regretting and yet forgiving youself: it can be hard, and even more tough to keep, but it's worth it. Just keep in mind that He has already forgiven you. And that is all that really matters.

*Look for the good in people. However, be wary of the ways in which they can keep you from your path. People don't purposefully lead you to temptation (usually), but you must be strong in your beliefs, and not be swayed.

wrote a blog about it - like to hear it, here it goes

So, as mentioned in a previous post (I am a writing FIEND lately), I got my hair cut yesterday. What I didn't talk about is how I got there. I usually take the metro to Andre Chreky, but when I got on the metro, every one was told to get off the train. Well, being a small-town girl at heart, and someone who gets kinda antsy about metro problems, I decided to cab to my appointment. I got up to Independence, and hailed a cab. I had to run across the street to get into one. He said, 'a girl in shape, that's nice.' Ha! If he only knew...

Anyway, he told me that he was about to call into a radio talk show when I got in the cab. He was RILED UP about someone who was saying that the draft should be re-instated. Whoever was on the radio said that since he pays taxes, then he should be protected from terrorists, no matter what. My cab driver said 'he needs to go over there, and not force ME to go.' He was MAD!

In the middle of this conversation, we were almost side-swiped by a van. He said, 'all I ask for is this lane, can I have this lane?' Too funny. He said he's Sir Lancelot who complains a lot, but that he was still my knight in shining armour, because he would get me to where I needed to go in time. He was really funny!

He got back to talking about war, and said that he was in Vietnam. That the first time he spoke with a Viet Cong, the guy told him that he was on whoever's side sold him the cheapest weapons, for him to defend himself. This guy didn't care about what type of government his country had. He just wanted to survive. The cab driver went on to say that the current war is a game, just like Vietnam was. How he lost his scholarship after coming back from Vietnam, and that no one cared. How the government didn't support returning soldiers, and how everyone 'spit' on them. That the only reason for war is greed. The.only.reason.

By then, we were next to my destination. He said 'thanks for listening to an old soldier, I'm sure you have better things to do.' I said, 'not really.' I got a God bless you, which is always nice, especially from a total stranger, and not expected (I should give more of those).

As I walked in to Andre Chreky (yes, the slightly over-priced, but worth it salon), I had a tug of regret in my heart. Can't really explain it, except that this man's point of view is something I rarely hear, much less think about. Very humbling experience. I love my DC cab-drivers! (well, most of them).

I walked the 2+ miles home. It's days like yesterday where I am grateful to be living in this great city. You just never know what's going to happen once you step outside your front door.

Because I'm a total dork...

Let me preface this by saying that I am a voracious reader. Put it in front of me, I'll read it. Books, magazines, blogs of total strangers... I'll read it. In fact, I find myself reading people's blogs on MySpace, I have no idea who they are. I just love love love to read. If I could get paid to read... don't even get me started, I would be in heaven.

One of my favorite blogs is A Serious Job Is No Excuse. The writer often critiques the outfits of women she sees on the way to work. I always agree with her, although I have to say, I've been pretty grateful she would never see me walking to work. I often commit one of her major fashion faux pas; wearing flip flops with a work outfit. I pretty much wear them every day, because I walk 1/2 a mile to work. I'm sure this would be no excuse for her, but I will admit I did buy a cute pair of silver Steve Madden flats that I do wear often on my daily trek, because what she says makes sense. You can't look like a serious career woman, wearing Reef's and a suit... (not that I actually wear suits, but you get the idea, even in business casual, flip flops should be avoided).

Anyway, I was at Macy's in the shoe department, because it was the last day of DC's 'no sales tax week' and I figured I might as well check out the sales. Can't beat that bargin. I ended up finding a pair of Nina peep-toe heels which were 65% off the original price, totally cute. They had my size on display, and I asked to see if they had any in the back (a long shot, because of the sale, but it couldn't hurt). As I was waiting, I saw the author of the blog mentioned above. At first I thought, 'no way,' but on a whim I asked her. Yep, it was her. I'm sure I seemed like a total weirdo, but she was nice, said she's never had someone come up to her to tell her they read her blog. I told her I loved it, and read it every day (yep, weirdo!). We talked for a few minutes, and that was it. It was then that I realized... I'm wearing flip flops! Ahh, funny! Now, in my defense, I did run 14 miles yesterday, and my legs were killing me, but really... I probably would have worn them anyway. I comforted myself in the knowledge that at least I had on make-up, and that my hair looked good (just had it cut at Andre Chreky, thanks Adil!). I have to admit, there are times I've gone into Macy's looking like I just rolled out of bed...

So, as much as I am quite the fashionista in my head, in real life... not so much. Such a reality check, seeing her in a totally cute outfit. Mine... well, I was dressed pretty blah. I've been trying to tell myself that I need to dress up more, even on days where the only people who see me are my hairdresser, roommates, and tourists asking for directions. I have so many cute clothes, and seem to be saving them for special occassions. Well, that's just silly. I REALLY am going to try to wear them more often. It's just a shame not to. Of course, wearing 3-4 inch heels every day... now that's a different story!

exist

I swear, the thoughts I have while taking walks.

Actually, I was walking to work, but still....

"Can you justify the validity of your existence?" Let me tell you, that one seemed to come out of nowhere. Of course, I am reading C.L. Lewis right now, so...

Because really, this is a ridiculous statement, when you consider that everyone's existence is valid. By the simple act of existing, taking in oxygen, all people are valid. I even looked the word up, valid, on dictionary.com, to make sure I was using it right. I found 'having a legitimate basis,' and 'appropriate to the end in view,' both of which serve my purpose well enough.

So, I was thinking yesterday (on the walk home, hmmm, maybe that is where it came from, too), is what I'm doing really worth it? Is what I'm doing with my life really making me happy? Because your existence takes into account what you do, who you are. So, is my working a job that isn't that fulfilling, living in a city far from the ones I love the most- are these things really VALID in the scheme of things? Is there a legitimate basis for the way I'm living my life? What I'm doing with it? Where I'm living it? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on moving to one of those 'hippy communes' in Northwest Arkansas (although at times it's tempting - community grape stomping, anyone?).

And I guess another thing I was thinking about are some types of people. You know, the selfish types. The one's who really don't give a flip about the people around them, unless those people can give them something. I had a conversation the other day with a friend about cheating. I kinda got heated, saying that only a truly selfish person would do that, one who doesn't care about their partner. So, in my own mind (so, on the outside looking in), how do people like that validify their existence? Is there a legitimate basis for that behavior? I don't see one. Of course, I'm sure they could come up with something to justify it. (and no, as far as I know, I've only been cheated on once, and I really didn't like the guy, so this isn't a 'woman scorned' thing).

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this, except that maybe I need to get my butt into gear... figure some things out. Because right now, I feel as though I'm just drifting. And for someone who can be a bit of a control-freak, well... that's not fun!

So, I have a question for you. If you could do anything you want, and I mean ANYTHING, what would it be? I'm talking about how you would live your life. There are no restrictions, money is no object. Jobs aren't needed. What would you do? What kind of person would you be?

Miracles~CSL

I have picked up Miracles again (by C.S. Lewis). Love it love it love it. Just wanted to type in an excerpt from Chapter 12, The Propriety of Miracles:

"For those who can suppose that God's external act, seen from within, would be that same complexity of mathematical relations which Nature, scientifically studied, reveals? It is like thinking that a poet builds up his line out of those metrical feet into which we can analyse it, or that living speech takes grammar as its starting point. But the best illustration of all is Bergson's. Let us suppose a race of people whose peculiar mental limitation compels them to regard a painting as something made up of little coloured dots which have been put together like a mosaic. Studying the brushwork of a great painting, through their magnifying glasses, they discovery more and more complicated relations between the dots, and sort these relations out, with great toil into certain regularities. Their labour will not be in vain. These regularities will in fact 'work'; they will cover most of the facts. But if they go on to conclude that any departure from them would be unworthy of the painter, and an arbitrary breaking of his own rules, they will be far astray. For the regularities they have observed never were the rule the painter was following. What they painfully reconstruct from a million dots, arranged in an agonising complexity, he really produced with a single lightning-quick turn of the wrist, his eye meanwhile taking in the canvas as a whole and his mind obeying laws of composition which the observers, counting their dots, have not yet come within sight of, and perhaps never will. I do not say that the normalities of Nature are unreal. The living foundation of divine energy, solidified for purposes of this spatio-temporal Nature into bodies moving in space and time, and thence, by our abstract thought, turned into mathematical formulae, does in fact for us, commonly fall into such and such patterns. In finding out these patterns we are therefore gaining real, and often useful, knowledge. But to think that a disturbance* of them would constitute a breach of the living rule and organic unity whereby God, from His own point of view, works, is a mistake. If miracles do occur then we may be sure that not to have wrought them would be the real inconsistency."

If you can't tell already, Lewis is thinking out the process of miracles. Before this chapter, he goes through different arguments, natural vs. supernatural... something to really read on your own... something I will probably have to read again to get more of a grasp. Whew. I'm now on page 173, have 121 pages to go!

*by disturbance, he means an intrusion into nature, a 'breaking' of natural law as we know it.

SOS Syndrome

Where I live in DC is an extremely convenient location. I walk to work, to the grocery store, CVS. There are tons of museums within 2 miles of my front door. And if need be, the closest metro stop is a mere half block away. I can get to plenty of restaurants and even my doctor that way.


However, there do come times when I need to go places that aren't metro accessible, or within walking distance. Georgetown being the main place that is difficult to get to. This is when cabs come in mighty handy.


Tonight I went to a Team In Training happy hour. It was at a place called Rosemary's Thyme Bistro. Close to Dupont Circle metro stop, but I didn't want to walk very far in the 97 degree heat (intolerable as put by the local news weather team).


*One of the things I use to justify taking cabs (instead of the bus for example) is that I don't have a car, so I don't pay for gas, insurance, car payment, etc.... so if I have to spend $20 in one nights... so be it. I don't do it very often, so I don't mind spending the money*


We had a good happy hour, a good turn out. Then it was time for me to leave. I got outside and caught a cab who had just filled up at the gas station across the street.


Now, the thing about me and riding in cabs is this; sometimes I'm in the mood to talk, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I can't understand what they're saying, so it doesn't matter anyway. Also, I find that it is a crap shoot, as far as how the ride will go. It can be a nice, clean cab, or kinda stinky. The A/C may be out. They can drive so crazy that I get car sick. The list could go on and on.


Tonight, a gentleman by the name of Leslie drove me home. Born in 1939, he has lived his whole life in DC. We were going along, small talking, 'is it hot enough for you,' is how he started the conversation. All of a sudden, a big Chrysler SUV started cutting people off in traffice, driving erratically. I said something like 'Geez!' Leslie said, 'they think they can drive that way, because of their big Chrysler.' He then proceeds to tell me that whe he first became a cab drive, he would have bad headaches everyday. Tylenol wouldn't help, but Excedrin did. He even got smart and starting taking Excedrin BEFORE the headache would come on. However, he began to wonder why he had these headaches in the first place. He finally realized it was because when another driver was being rude, he would just internalize their negativity (his words). He wouldn't say anything to let off the steam (my words). Then he realized, those guys were going home and sleeping at night, not even thinking of the things that had affected him, and he couldn't sleep because of his headaches and thinking about those rude drivers.


His solution was to look at people like that as having SOS Syndrome. Or, Stuck On Stupid Syndrome. He then was able to not let their negativity affect him anymore. No more headaches or sleepless nights for Leslie!


The rest of my ride home, he told me about angry drivers who would cuss him out, or even follow him. He told me a pretty good story about evading someone. He then told me about how he's had people of his own race threaten him (or course, leaving out the language that isn't suitable for a young lady). 'What the _____ are you looking at _____. I might have blown you away.' Sometimes just because they knew he was a cab driver. Once just because he was watching an attractive woman cross the street, and happened to have glanced at someone who didn't like him looking at him (he assured me that his wife of 30 years is the love of his life- the only one for him, but that if he sees an attractive women, he's gonna look!).


By the time he got to my house, he was still telling me stories, then explained to me why some cab drivers will refuse to drive places. That is against the law and they can be fined $250, just write down their name and licence number (which is displayed). This came up, because he told me about how he picked up a young lady, and when she got in the cab, she started crying. She had just been kicked out of another cab, because he didn't want to take her home, saying she lived in a dangerous area (he told me where she lived, not dangerous at all!). Leslie said he has a wife, daughters, grandaughters and a sister, and that you should watch out for young ladies. He then told me to have a great night, a great life, to keep on smiling, and to keep my sense of humor.


What a sweet man, and what a great experience. I will never forget him or the SOS Syndrome. Will definitely think of that when I ever start to let someone get me down. In a city where conversations tend to lean to the fake side, it was surprising to have that experience in a cab! You just never know when you be be taught a life lesson in such a way. Be on the look out for those times!

30 FLIRTY AND THRIVING

Okay, so I've been 30 for almost 6 months now. I've gotta say, it has been fantastic. And no, there is no sarcasm there. I don't know if it's the getting-older-out-of-my-twenties---Thank God!---please let-the-uncertainties-cease feeling or what, but I feel as though I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin. I want to challenge myself more (hence the marathon, I guess), and really figure out how it is that I will live my life. Who is it I really want to be. I think I may have touched on this before in a blog, not sure. It just feels like it's slowly revealing itself to me, and every new little or big discovery / self-realization I make... just fills me with a kind of peace.


So yeah, that my no have anything to do with turning 30, per se. But it sure is making me LIKE being 30!

Maybe you could walk with me awhile / Maybe I could rest beneath your smile

Maybe you could walk with me awhile / Maybe I could rest beneath your smile


That is from a Dierks Bentley song, 'Long Trip Alone.' I REALLLLY like that song. Makes me think of wanting to be in a relationship, of having a companion to spend time with, whose smile can put me at ease…



For the majority of my thirty years on this earth, I have been single. I have never been a serial dater, and could never understand people who hopped from relationship to relationship. Those people who say 'I've haven't been single since I was 16…' Yeah, I don't get that so much.


It just seems like I'm getting to the point in my life where I really want to find that 'certain someone.' Because it's not fun being alone all the time. And by alone I mean without the person who I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. Because I feel like I haven't even come close, and that maybe I'm not even capable of having 'that.'


Okay, that was a silly statement, because I guess everyone is 'capable' of it. It's just, for me, it seems a little bit impossible sometimes.


So, back to the song, it really is a long trip alone. And I don't want to do it by myself anymore. Life can be hard enough, family and friends are great for support, but to just have… more with someone. Just that extra… something… I can't wait to find it.

UPDATE: If you want to hear the song, just look over at my playlist. Fast forward if you need to!

You stupid girl / All you had you wasted

There is a phenomenon that luckily I haven't been exposed to very often in my life. The 'mean girl.' Totally rude-to-your-face, yes-I've met-you-five-times-but-am-going-to-act-as-though-I've-never-met-you-before-in-my-life girls. Or better yet, tell you to your face that you're the only person in the room I don't know---even-though-I've-given-you-the-evil-star-down-numerous-times. The sad thing is these types of girls aren't fooling anyone. There is a reason why the guy is paying more attention to me. It's called self-confidence---a trait that most men find extremely sexy. It's all a girl really needs to get what she wants.

Perhaps it is because I have not one competitive bone in my body that I find this so perplexing. Hell, if a guy chooses someone over me, I just chalk it up to 'his loss' and move on, knowing that I'm better than any drama that can ensue from a situation like that.

Funny thing, I was reminded of a conversation I had in college with friends (two of which happened to be lesbians). I was always complaining about the guys that would come in and out of my life. One time, my friend L said, 'you should switch sides.' I replied back, 'why would I do that, girls are bitches.' And yes, after this past weekend, I was BOLDLY reminded of that.

The thing that bothers me the most is that there is no real, concrete reason for these girls not to like me. They haven't even given themselves the chance to get to know me---to make any decision to dislike me. It would bother me at first, and then I finally realized that it comes from their jealousy. And if they are going to waste their time disliking me for no good reason, then why should I waste my time worrying about it.

So, there were two girls like this in law school, and two girls like this up here. Both times, the same guy was involved. And the sad thing is I came out of both situations single. Maybe guys do like drama queens after all.

Ahh, I'm tired and frustrated. The End.

"While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."

"While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."


So, I finally finished reading "The Problem of Pain," by C.S. Lewis. Whew, it took me awhile. For those of you who haven't read him before, his writing can be pretty dense (this is excluding his children's series, "The Chronicles of Narnia," which I read when I was about 8 ), I had to read many sentences a few times before moving on. I took a few months break after reading it halfway through, and as stated above, finished it... last night.


Anyway, thought I would retype three small excerpts from the last chapter, entitled 'Heaven.' I don't know, I just really enjoyed it, and wanted to share.


"Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."


"This signature on each soul may be a product of heredity and environment, but that only means that heredity and environment are among the instruments whereby God creates a soul. I am considering not how, but why, He makes each soul unique. If He had no use for all these differences, I do not see why He should have created more souls than one. Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you. The mould in which a key is made would be strange thing, if you had never seen a key: and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock. Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the Divine substance, or a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions. For it is not humanity in the abstract that is to be saved, but you- you, the individual reader, John Stubbs or Janet Smith...... Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."


"From the highest to the lowest, self exists to be abdicated and, by that abdication, becomes the more truly self, to be thereupon yet the more abdicated, and so forever. This is not a heavenly law which we can escape by remaining earthly, nor an earthly law which we can escape by being saved. What is outside the system of self-giving is not earth, nor nature, nor 'ordinary life,' but simply and solely hell. Yet even hell derives from this law such reality as it is. That fierce imprisonment in the self is but the obverse of the self-giving which is absolute reality; the negative shape which the outer darkness takes by surrounding and defining the shape of the real, or which the real imposes on the darkness by having a shape and positive nature of its own."


Okay, so those turned out longer than I expected. If you made it down to this side of the page, then you read the excerpts, and I hope you enjoyed them. If they made you want to read this or any of his other books, even better. And be assured, that even though these quotes are in the last chapter of the book, they in no way ruin the whole book for you! It's not like in 'When Harry Met Sally,' where Harry reads the last page of every book before he starts it.

Pink Snow and Red Wine

So, it was a crisp 34 degress and I walked to work in the snow this morning. Let me tell you, I could have come into work a little late, but I really wanted to walk in the SNOW! I mean really, how often does an Arkansas girl get to do that? I think I've seen REAL snow less than 10 times in my life. So I definitely walked to work this morning. It was great feeling the crunch of snow under my feet and sinking into the snow drifts. To see the snow covered ground and trees. It was really great to see nature differently than I am used to. I absolutely loved it.


I was almost to work, thinking about how great my little walk was, and how much I can take it for granted. How I really need to look around more, appreciate the things around me. Then it hit me. Tomorrow, February 15 will be the 5th anniversary of my cousins death. Of how he was taken away from us so quickly, so violently, so unfairly. He had just turned 20. Yeah, I really need to look around more.


So, outside my building there was PINK SNOW! Now, I'm guessing this is colored salt, so you can see where the salt is, to avoid it. I began to think that if I were a little girl, I might have actually believed that pink snow could be made in the clouds. Its so amazing what you can believe as a child. Sometimes I miss that.


Well, my Valentine's day went by without incident. I had planned an exciting evening of doing my laundry, baking banana nut bread, and watching Lost. I ended up hanging out with two roommates, drinking red wine, watching 'The Way We Were,' and baking banana nut bread with chocolate chips. AND I finished my laundry. It turned out to be a blast! Every time the orchestra would build up to 'Memories,' we would just belt it out. Oh yeah, and I still watched Lost. Good times.


C.S. Lewis once said (and I'm paraphrasing), 'I never knew how grief could feel so much like fear.' Being reminded of my cousins death (well, I'm often reminded of it) just made me want to appreciate life even more, especially the little things, like hanging out with good friends and watching K-K-K-Katie and Hubble struggle through that strange thing called love. I definitely think that grief can make you fear losing what you have...Life. And I should really try hard not to take if for granted.

Bitter Pill

Tame me? Did you really think you could tame me.

Mold me into some bullshit fantasy-fulfillment for you? Well guess what. It ain't gonna happen.

But I guess you knew that already. How could you not have? I've become a challenge you can't win, and just like a sore loser, you slink away.

Poor you. Didn't get your way this time, did you? Well, I for one am not worried about it. I'm sure you'll find a lovely replacement,

one that you can smoosh down into

whatever it is you want.

Poor you? More like poor her.

The Airing of Grievances

* I absolutely can't stand my poor judge of character. It's only AFTER someone disregards my feelings that I realize what a selfish shit they are. I really need to open my eyes.

* I can't stand it that what I want out of life doesn't match with what I pursue. I've always beend told that I'm too picky, but I think I'm picky about the wrong things.

* I can't stand people who expect things to be handed to them, without having to work for it. And when I don't do what they wan't, there is something wrong with me.

* I can't stand the sheer amount of fake conversations I've had this past year. I'm ready to talk about something real, are you?

* I hate it that guys complain about what women want out of them, and completely disregard the fact that they expect just as much out of us.

* I'm ready for something more out of life. I'm tired of this selfish, singular existance.

* I hate that there were some great guys in my past that I just let slip by. What might have been... oh well.

* I hate when I second guess myself (see above).

* I hate when people underestimate me. And when I don't meet their expectation of... whatever, I'm not worth their time anymore. It's utterly amazing how intimidating a smart woman can be.

There are times when I just want to be alone, dang it. It doesn't mean I'm depressed, or mad, or anything else. I have the ability to just exist without the stimulation of others, and there are times when I enjoy that immensly.

Now let's do the feats of strength, shall we. SERENITY NOW!

Happiness is a decision

Here we go again, night owl Mandi. It's the last night I can do it before going back to DC, so I might as well take advantage (even though I'm exhausted from NYE, but that Boise State/OU game sure did wake me up!).


So, it sure is interesting how much you learn if you just shut up and observe people. NYE was such an interesting experience, very much more than any other. I saw people who were sad to be single, I had a guy follow me around like a puppy for no good reason (well, I guess he THOUGHT there was a good reason, but ha ha, he was wrong), and I guess everything I observed just reinforced my change in perception on relationships. Well, in the past year, I've had little things to point me in the right direction as far as how I need to 'choose' guys, to not get wrapped up in situations which aren't even good enough for me in the first place.


It really is true that the grass is greener on the other side. We are always envious of what other's have, and many of us never take the time to just stop and appreciate what we have. I find that it's a lot easier to feel sorry for the things that go wrong in your life, than to appreciate the things that go right in your life. Seems like human nature, to focus more on the bad than the good. It's all around us, in the media (both in politics and popular culture), everything bad gets the most attention.


So, just read the title of this blog. HAPPINESS IS A DECISION. You know whose fault it is if you dwell on only bad things? Yours. You know whose fault it is if you let people continue to take advantage of you? Yours. Pretty simple, if you ask me. It is just stupid to blame others for what is wrong in your life. You alone have the power to change the things that are bad for you, and to make changes for the better.


I think the solution is to just CHOOSE to be happy. Make the decision, and stick to it. Then follow through with it by make the right choices, to break those bad habits. Just stop it already! That's what I keep telling myself, over and over again. That guy took you for granted, because YOU LET HIM. That friend treated you like crap, because YOU LET HER.


So there you have it, maybe this could be considered a New Years resolution. I've never really done the whole resolution thing, but I think this could possibly be an easy one to follow.

It's the final countdown!

In less than one month I will be 30. That's right, the big three-oh. It's pretty unbelievable. It feels like I'm staring down one of those countdown clocks people put on their MySpace pages.


It's weird how much you learn as you get older. With every year comes more knowledge about yourself; your world view, what is really important in life, what you will put up with, things you need to accept.


The people in your life seem to have to deal with real, grown-up issues. You begin to understand your parents more, they become more like 'real people.' Gone are the days when there weren't many worries, and you almost embrace it.


Because who would want to live their life without any change? When I think back to my early 20's, I wouldn't go back there if you paid me. I think of how insecure I could be, and how much different I am now. I mean basically, I'm the same person, but (I would like to think) I've become a better version of myself.


So even though my parents basically supported me back then, I was really skinny, and there seemed to have been a lot more opportunities to meet single, good guys... okay, that is getting a little depressing... STILL, I'm glad to be leaving the ol' 20's. And I can't wait to see what lies ahead for me in life.


30 is still the new 21, right? Just checking...

Don't judge a book by it's cover...

So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.

Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.

I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.

But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So I was thinking of this phrase the other day, actually it's a phrase I think of often:

"If you don't know God, you can't know Love."

I know, I know, double negative, whatever. I think it's a powerful statement. I can't remember where I first heard that, but it's been a long time ago. Years and years. I tried to google it, but couldn't find anything. One thing similiar I found was:

"If you don't believe that God exists, where does your morality come from. God is LOVE and you can't know LOVE for me without LOVE for Him."

How great is that? I have found, through my dating guys that do not believe in God or in practicing religion, that they can say they love me, but certainly not show it. That maybe they believed they loved me, but didn't know what love really is. Because God is Love. If you don't know God, then how can you know anything about Love?

Yep, gotta find me a good Christian man, that's all there is to it.

Love

Wake up every morning thanking God for another precious day. Even if you feel alone, you aren't, you are loved more than you could ever imagine. I just had to put that thought down first, because it's something I try to tell myself everyday.

Now back to Love. It's such a pretty word, say it out loud. LOVE. A very elegant word, in my opinion. It's also a simple word. One-syllable. Oh, if were just that simple. But what in life is?

Here is a great quote I found:

"Do you want me to tell you something subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -Erica Jong


Anyway, I just can't wait to actually have that feeling, to feel that way and have someone feel it back. I feel like I'm readying myself for this, and just hope I am going in the right direction.

There is nothing wrong with being old-fashioned...

I must remember to keep telling myself this. Today's society does not seem to commend this attribute, especially in my age group. Of course I have fought this notion before, the phrase itself- 'old fashioned'- sounds like it equates to fuddy-duddyness.

Back in high school, I was a goody-goody. I never felt the need to rebel. I expected guys to treat me with respect, and they always did. I never ever thought that I gained that respect because of how I lived my life. I was the girl that sang in the choir ensemble, sang at churches, didn't drink, didn't hook up. I never realized that until this exact instant.

Back to when it all changed. After graduting high school, I went off to college. I was on my own, and didn't know what to do with myself. I easily fell into the trap of drinking, partying, just the 'normal' college experience that you see in movies. Can't say I was unhappy, but really can't say I was happy at this time. The guys I met, dated, etc... let's just say there weren't any meaningful relationship during that time for me.

*it's interesting to note that when I started partying so much, I abandoned what used to be a great source of comfort for me- going to church*

Once I graduated from college, I moved to a different city. I kept on partying like a college kid, until I went to grad school. Very boring place, so the partying pretty much stopped. Fast forward to today. I live in a big city, and at first partied like the rest of them. I have come to realize that DC is pretty much like college all over again. Which was a time of my life that I really thought I was past. But really, not much has changed. Even when I stopped going out so much, the guys I meet... I'm not saying are awful, mean people, but just not the kind of guys I want a serious relationship with.

I have thought a lot on why this keeps happening. Yes, I have come to a conclusion:

The way I live my life is the reason I attract bad guys (and by bad guys I mean both actual bad guys, and guys who aren't right (or are bad) for me). My switch from being a good church-going girl to a partying girl has made me unattractive to good guys, and attractive to bad guys. Pretty simple, huh? Yep, a very 'duh' moment.

So what to do about that? The obvious answer is to go to church, yep- get my butt in a pew. Easier said that done, at least for me. Pretty much all of my friends (the one's I hang out with) still like the going-out-bar scene. I feel as though if I quit hanging out with my friends, then I won't have any friends at all! Sounds silly, but it is a real concern.

Now I have always tried to talk myself out of changing (i.e. quit partying, go to church) by rationalizing that plenty of girls who live this way have boyfriends and get married. The way they live their life does not seem to have effected their ability to find someone. But I have come to the realization that this will not work for me, that the whole 'party scene' is not something that I am completely comfortable in--- it's not something that I enjoy a whole lot.

So, it sounds like I have a lot of changing to do. I really want to get started on in soon, because I am tired of not being happy. And I can't help but wonder if there are other girls out there who could use this epiphany of mine...

Chasing Fireworks

Have you ever felt like you were chasing after the ungraspable? It gets to where you don't even know what you are chasing after anymore, but you just keep going. This blog will be about my ever-evolving journey in this crazy-thing-called-life. I'm just looking for an outlet, and I hope you enjoy it...

MORE TO COME

Wasting My Time

I have decided to quit drinking like I have been. For now, just saying 'I will quit drinking as much' isn't working. I tend to have bad judgement when I drink- I sometimes don't demand the respect I deserve. I do no like the person I become when I'm this way.


So for now, I will just drink on special occassions, with probably a 3 drink maximum. Because I mean really, what will I be missing out on? Going to a bar, where it's always the same ol' thing. It's not like I'm making any lasting relationships with anyone I meet. I just end up being bored, yawning my face off, with a totally un-fun hangover the next day.


What it all boils down to is I want to start becoming the person that I really want to be- to move toward that. There really isn't any excuse not to, nothing to wait on. And I just know that I will be a lot happier if I just do it.


In a way it's like another leap of faith. What am I so scared of? What am I holding on to?
And I don't want anyone to feels as though I think it's a bad thing to do, to drink. I just know that its bad for me, that I need to take a step back from it. Its not like I haven't had great times with friends- hanging out, drinking, talking. Because I have. It's just that right now, in this time of my life, it isn't doing my any good. And I really want to fill my life with only good things.

I should go on more walks

So I'm staying in tonight, yeah I know its Friday, but I've been sick all week (I know, lame, whatever… I don't care). So I went on a much needed trip to CVS. As I was walking along, I noticed a squirrel climbing up a tree with something in its mouth. A really big something. When I got closer, I noticed it was another squirrel! A smaller squirrel. I literally gasped out loud… a hand over mouth gasp. For those of you who don't know, I had a squirrel as a special 'guest' in my house. And by special guest, I mean 'unwanted.' For three weeks it ran rampant, eating half an apple, but only taking one bite out of a banana (that was nice, I guess). For most of this time, I was the only one who saw it. It would actually run at me! So I have an extreme dislike for squirrels. Before, I thought they were kinda cute, running around with their acorns. Well not anymore…


So back to my story, the bigger squirrel was holding a smaller squirrel in its mouth. I thought I heard one of them squeak. Then it dropped the smaller squirrel to the ground. This is when I gasped out loud with my hand over my mouth. It made my stomach turn a little. It didn't move, and the bigger squirrel just stayed on the tree, waiting to go back down. I swear it acted like it was going to come at me (but I could be paranoid about that from past experiences). My first thought was 'are squirrels cannibals?' Because now I just assume any squirrel is up to no good. Then I thought that maybe the smaller squirrel was a baby, and the mom was trying to help it. Oh well, I would check it out on my way home from CVS.


So I'm walking along, and I pass a church, where a homeless man was laying at the front door. He was scratching his butt… under his pants. Now I usually feel sorry for homeless people when I see them, but this made my stomach turn a little. Maybe it was snowballing from the squirrel, who knows. Then I thought, 'is he really worried about what I think?' Some chick walking by, being queasy about him scratching his butt, is the least of his worries.


I make it to CVS, where there is another homeless guy- selling this newspaper that is written by homeless people (can't remember the name of it). He was very loudly and almost flamboyantly trying to sell it. He had a whole spiel. He said you could read poetry! Written by homeless people! You could help out the working homeless man! The one's that don't panhandle! For at least $1 you could enjoy this newspaper! He almost had me talked into it, but… not so much. He was gone when I left, or I might have gone ahead and bought one on the way out. I could use some good reading material. I just have no idea where that money would go. Besides, if I had any expendable income, I would gladly help out those less fortunate… by giving to organizations, not someone out on the street. But sadly, I do not.


So I was walking along, and I started thinking about an article I read on people.com (yes, I'm addicted, sue me). It was about how all of these Hollywood "It" girls are basically anorexic. I started thinking that these girls are who little girls look up to--- especially with fashion. I like how they dress- sometimes cute, sometimes classy, sometimes ridiculous. It's always fun to see what they wear (but I love clothes, so that's part of it). I started thinking about who I looked up to as 'fashion icons' when I was 8 (FYI: this article said girls that age are developing eating disorders). You know who I looked up to then for fashion? Madonna! Tiffany! Debbie Gibson! YIKES! But I would dress just as close to them as my parents would let me. I remember talking to my Mom probably 10-15 years ago about how fashion is cyclical, that things always come back in style—but that the 80's would NEVER come back, because the clothes were so awful. Well, it's back now, and kinda cute, I might add!


I also thanked the Lord that they weren't skinny stick girls, or I may have wanted to be, too. When I was 12 years old I was 5'3" and weighed 105 lbs. I was taller than all but one boy in my class! I remember one of the boys in my class (he was a tiny little thing) would always call me fat, but I would just ignore him. It never ever bothered me. I just hope if I ever have a little girl, she won't have to even think about the things little girls face these days.


So I'm still walking home. I get to the point where the squirrel fell from the tree. I don't see it there anymore. Then I glance down, and it was right next to my foot… dead It had moved about 3 feet. I gasped again. My ear even popped a little (weird). I would like to think the momma squirrel had tried to help the baby squirrel again, but it was too late. That maybe squirrels aren't evil after all. Anyway, I could not wait to get home.


Yeah, I should take more walks. You just never know what's going to happen, or what in the world will pop into my mind.

Have a little faith

There is something to be said about taking that leap. Taking action without knowing the consequences, about making life better for yourself. I've often thought about my decision to go to grad school. I wasn't happy with the job I had in Little Rock, I was applying for jobs like crazy. I got an interview at a museum, and I swear it was my dream job. Well, I didn't get it. So I started researching on how I could make myself employable in a museum. I found that there are masters in museum studies programs, took the GRE, and applied to Baylor University. While going through those processes, I got another job. I actually enjoyed this job, but it was in sales, it was commission only, and just not something I could do long term. I told myself that if I got into Baylor, than it was a sign, and I would go without thinking twice. I remember the day they called to tell me I was in… it was like time stopped. I couldn't believe it! 2 months later I had moved to Waco, Texas. Never having stepped foot in that city, I was living there.


So while I was at Baylor, I had to do an internship. I decided to apply to the Smithsonian, only because there was a small chance my Dad might get a job there, so I could live rent free. I asked my professors for references, and decided on 3 different positions to apply. By the time the applications were due, my Dad took a different job, but I felt that I still needed to apply, because my professors had already sent in my references! So I filled out the application, very poorly I might add. I was supposed to write an essay, and I didn't! Just skipped right over that part. So imagine my surprise when I got a call, The Smithsonian Associates wanted to interview me. I really could not believe it! So they interview me, and offered me the internship the next day. OH.MY.GOSH. It was exactly what I was interested in- educational outreach programming.


Without ever even visiting DC, I was going to live there for 10 weeks! I needed to find a place to stay. My friend had lived there before, and suggested I go to washingtoncitypaper.com. I found an ad for a 5 bedroom all-girl group house, and e-mailed my interest. They replied back that I had to do a conference call with them. Another phone interview! The day after the interview, they called to say they picked me, and I was all set.


So I moved to DC, and boy was I nervous! The girls sounded nice, but I had not even met them, and now I was going to live with them. Luckily, I could not have found a better situation. Everyone was really nice, and I was able to keep in touch with most of them after I moved back to Texas.


Fast forward to 1 ½ years later. I had finished my coursework at Baylor, but had no luck finding a job. That meant moving back home, and continuing the search. I got an e-mail last November from Emily, one of my former roommates who still lived in the house. She was inviting me to a house party, at my old house. I casually mention it to my Mom, and she said she would pay for me to go. How great is she! So I went up for the party, and found out a room would probably be open the next May. Well, when I got home, Emily called to say the room would be available in February, and would I be interested. Um, yeah! I couldn't find a museum job, or any job for that matter in Arkansas, so what better place to look for museum work than Washington, DC! 3 months later, I moved back into the house I had lived in during my internship. How amazing is that?


So, if I had never had the courage to go to grad school, I would have never gotten the internship at the Smithsonian, and never moved to DC. If I had never moved to DC before, I wouldn't be here now. Its funny how that all works out. And even though I haven't found a museum job, I have a great job, where I am gaining amazing experience and contacts, and have a great time! I've met a bunch of nice, good people, and there is always something to do. Although I have to admit, I miss my family and friends immensely. It makes me sad that I'm not around to watch my new baby nephew be a baby/toddler. But I feel like I'm in the right place for now. After 6 months here, it's getting easier for me to realize and accept that.


There are times in life when you have to make choices. Some big, some small, some just plain scary. And when you are trying to make up your mind, you can make yourself miserable. But once you make the decision and act on it, it's like a whole new world opens up for you. I have been truly blessed in life so far, and I have figured out that all it takes is having a little faith… of course in God (who I've come to realize answers prayers in the most mysterious ways), but also in yourself.

Oh my gosh!

I really can't take this anymore. I will be an aunt again any minute/hour now! My sis-in-law has been in induced labor for a few hours now. I can't sleep! This is driving me crazy! I hate that I'm not there right now...


Anyway, this amazing little life is about to begin, and I feel so connected already. Just like when my nephew was born. It's just so amazing to think... a new life. How great is that? Even when life throws you so many curves... it's still such a great thing. And to think that I will be a part of that life. For this new little person to know that I will be here for him/her (yes, it's a surprise!). To think of how my nephew is my heart, and that this new little person will be too. It's just amazing.

That Feeling

That feeling


What do you do with that feeling? That giddy, giggly, act-like-a-little-girl feeling? Does it make sense that it happens every time, every time we talk? That kind of feeling doesnt happen to me very often---especially not on this scale---so I feel at a loss when it does.


Awww, Im just in one of those moods. I know people who say they are sooo happy where they are in life. Not to say Im unhappy, but Im restless. I have always been restless. I think its safe to say Ive been restless since childhood. Always wanting something new; never satisfied with the environment I am in. I do not want to spend the rest of my life restless. It would be nice to finally feel stable--- to have something to come home to, to know that it is real and sure.


I feel like lately my mind is doing that searching thing again. Its a little different now than it has been before, maybe its because Im getting older, growing up. Growing inward, where I feel more in tune with my emotions, what I am truly feeling. Searching--- not exactly sure what for, but its there.


So, back to that feeling. What in the world do I do with it? Do I run away (as usual), do I let it take me over? Do I let myself fall, which by the way I am not good at doing? Really, the only reason to be afraid of heights is the pain that may result from falling. I guess I just want to be sure that someone will be there to catch me. I want to be assured of where I will land.


Because that feeling? That feeling is great, amazing. Its something that I want to feel every day.

This Moment Contains All Moments

I am a REALLY big C.S. Lewis fan. So I thought I would share some of his quotes with everyone.


Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.


To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.


This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.


This moment contains all moments.


God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.


What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of a person you are.


Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.


We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with.


Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.


The very man who has argued you down, will sometimes be found, years later, to have been influenced by what you said.


Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.


Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.


If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.


No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.


I think we all sin by needlessly disobeying the apostolic injunction to "rejoice" as much as by anything else.


He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.


Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.


There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan.


I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.


Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.


You play the hand you're dealt. I think the game's worthwhile.

Livin' on the Edge

For those of you that dont know me well, Im not an outdoorsy person. Not a risk taker, very lazy indeed. Well, I was invited to come a long on a camping/whitewater rafting trip for this weekend in West Virginia. I was told that it wasnt a big deal, that you dont have to be in shape. When I looked into it, I saw that the minimum age for most trips was around 12. So I figured, what the hell, this is not something I get the chance to do very often, it should be lots of fun


So we get there Friday evening, set up our tent and hung out with our friends (there was 14 total). Camping in the great outdoors, on an Appalachian mountaintop in a thunderstorm, fun fun stuff!


So the first morning we had a 8:30 whitewater rafting trip on the Upper New River. This is for beginners, but they still give you the "you could die" spiel, so I was pretty much scared to death. But once I got used to it, it was lots of fun, not too difficult at all, I didnt fall out once! Keep in mind that I rode it on a raft with 7 other people. Had a blast!


So the next morning we had a 8:55 whitewater rafting trip on the Lower Gauley. This trip promised to be a little bit more exciting, a little bit more difficult, but manageable to beginners like me. Oh yeah, and the water was 50 degrees. Definitely glad I rented the full wetsuit. Now this is a special river. Not that I will get these facts all straight, but basically during this time of year, its really tame. There is a lake that lets out water into the Gauley River daily, the amount is always different, they just have to keep the lake at a certain water level. The amount they release determines the volume of water in the river, which in turn determines what type of water craft you ride on it. That day they planned on us riding something called duckies. This is basically a one person raft, looks like an inflatable canoe. You get the double-bladed paddle, and your on your own. The guides stand on rocks along the rapids, and tell you how to navigate what youre doing wrong, rescue you, etc... we were very close to the volume that you ride in the big rafts in, but we were supposed to be okay in the duckies


So we get in the river (now keep in mind it had been raining all weekend). Its pretty rough, the first whitewater rapid was a class 5, and I bit it really hard! I swear, I thought I was going to die. I tried to keep my duckie and paddle, but could not swim with them, so I just let them go. It was awful!


After that, I did not fall (or swim) again. I was doing pretty well, even made it through another class 5. Now, all of us (there were about 40 total, and we had the river to ourselves) were blissfully unaware that at about lunch time, the Gauley River experienced a flash flood. For some odd reason, the rapids after lunch were SO much harder. I swam almost every time! Everyone was swimming. It was AWFUL! I was getting really scared, and begged to get in the chicken boat (one raft they brought along to put scared people in was supposed to hold 4, but they said it was full with only 3 people in it). So I kept going. My arms felt like spaghetti, they were basically worthless. It got to where when I swam, I could not get myself back in to my duckie. This is when they decided to get me in the full raft. Well, the raft took off, so a guide roped me to him, so I could rest up, we planned to get me on the raft next rapid. Then OOPS, the chicken raft totally upended (its on the video, looked pretty bad!). Now keep in mind at this point, the guides were swimming (remember, that means falling out in rapids) lots too!


I ended up staying roped to the guide. Even so, I basically swam on every rapid (only made it through very few). It got to the point that every time I swam, my calves were cramping. That made it even scarier. And even though I was roped to a guide, I was still having to paddle through, and I was still swimming (usually from running into huge waves). It got to one rapid where my guide (Scott) had to let me go. There was a 14 foot wave coming up, and he said I would definitely swim, that I could not be roped him to when that happened. He said it was deep water, that there was nothing for me to hit, that I would be fine. He would be right behind me to pick me up, and another guide (Jay, who saved me countless times) said he would be there to. So I take off, through it, trying to cut left because Scott said I would miss the wave. The next thing I know, Im heading right towards this monster wave. Somehow I made it right over! (I have video to prove it). I had no idea what I had done, but Scott and Jay were so excited, they had to tell me that I had made it! Such a strange experience. So the ride ended with me going past the drop off point, taking a friend who tried to help me along. We both had to be saved by a guide, and walk back along the shore to the bus. I was never so happy to see muddy land in my life!


So as I understand it, we were at the water volume (1200) that was safe for duckies. When it gets up to 1400, you ride in rafts. The guides estimated that the water volume was up to 2400, because of the flash flood (they did not tell us this until we were on the way back to camp). We all survived a trip that few people would ever risk doing! The Gauley is one of the top 10 whitewater rafting rivers in the world. Also, know as the Beast of the East, basically someone like me (or really any of us) had no business riding this river (at that volume) on a duckie! Wild wild, crazy crazy stuff.


So we got back to camp, turned in our gear, took a shower, and met back up to watch the video. Our guides were hanging out, and they brought other guides along to watch the video. Everyone was amazed that we were able to do it. One guide told me that in his 13 years of doing this, our rafting trip was the most fun, and we were the best group he had ever had. He said that they had been talking about us ever since they had gotten back, about how great we did, how proud they were of us. He told me that if I could do what we had just gone through, that I could do anything. It was a pretty amazing experience. My friends even told me that the guides said they were impressed by me (impressed... by little ol me???), because I didnt give up. (oh yeah, forgot to add, by the end of the trip there were 6 people in the chicken raft- that was only supposed to hold 4, and that I was told (okay, yelled at) that I couldnt get in!


They showed our tape at the bar later that night, and no one could believe we did it. One girl told me I was a badass (again, little ol me... badass???). When has that ever happened in my life! It took awhile for it to hit me that what I did was a once in a lifetime experience. That most people will never get the chance to ride a river like that in a duckie. Pretty cool (scary, but cool).


So will I ever do anything like that again? Not without working out, strengthening my arms and building up my endurance. Do I regret going? Not on your life. It made me feel just a little bit more confident--- well this is hard to explain. It made me confident that I could do something that difficult and succeed (ok, survive!), especially for doing something that I never thought I would do. Also, it boosted the way I see myself, that I'm not a totally helpless person, that I'm tougher than I ever thought. Definitely a life-altering experience, something that I am still trying to take all in!


Be sure to check out the "Lower Gauley" and "Duckie Fun" links!
http://www.aceraft.com/

Oh Bother!

I am consistently frustrated by the dualities in my life. The differences between my mind and spirit, between what I think I need and what I want, between reason and passion, the constant struggle to make the "right" choices. I feel like there has to be a better way. I just pray to God that one day it will all make sense. Because right now nothing makes sense...


Oh well, it's just one of those days I guess...