It's the final countdown!

In less than one month I will be 30. That's right, the big three-oh. It's pretty unbelievable. It feels like I'm staring down one of those countdown clocks people put on their MySpace pages.


It's weird how much you learn as you get older. With every year comes more knowledge about yourself; your world view, what is really important in life, what you will put up with, things you need to accept.


The people in your life seem to have to deal with real, grown-up issues. You begin to understand your parents more, they become more like 'real people.' Gone are the days when there weren't many worries, and you almost embrace it.


Because who would want to live their life without any change? When I think back to my early 20's, I wouldn't go back there if you paid me. I think of how insecure I could be, and how much different I am now. I mean basically, I'm the same person, but (I would like to think) I've become a better version of myself.


So even though my parents basically supported me back then, I was really skinny, and there seemed to have been a lot more opportunities to meet single, good guys... okay, that is getting a little depressing... STILL, I'm glad to be leaving the ol' 20's. And I can't wait to see what lies ahead for me in life.


30 is still the new 21, right? Just checking...

Don't judge a book by it's cover...

So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.

Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.

I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.

But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So I was thinking of this phrase the other day, actually it's a phrase I think of often:

"If you don't know God, you can't know Love."

I know, I know, double negative, whatever. I think it's a powerful statement. I can't remember where I first heard that, but it's been a long time ago. Years and years. I tried to google it, but couldn't find anything. One thing similiar I found was:

"If you don't believe that God exists, where does your morality come from. God is LOVE and you can't know LOVE for me without LOVE for Him."

How great is that? I have found, through my dating guys that do not believe in God or in practicing religion, that they can say they love me, but certainly not show it. That maybe they believed they loved me, but didn't know what love really is. Because God is Love. If you don't know God, then how can you know anything about Love?

Yep, gotta find me a good Christian man, that's all there is to it.

Love

Wake up every morning thanking God for another precious day. Even if you feel alone, you aren't, you are loved more than you could ever imagine. I just had to put that thought down first, because it's something I try to tell myself everyday.

Now back to Love. It's such a pretty word, say it out loud. LOVE. A very elegant word, in my opinion. It's also a simple word. One-syllable. Oh, if were just that simple. But what in life is?

Here is a great quote I found:

"Do you want me to tell you something subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -Erica Jong


Anyway, I just can't wait to actually have that feeling, to feel that way and have someone feel it back. I feel like I'm readying myself for this, and just hope I am going in the right direction.

There is nothing wrong with being old-fashioned...

I must remember to keep telling myself this. Today's society does not seem to commend this attribute, especially in my age group. Of course I have fought this notion before, the phrase itself- 'old fashioned'- sounds like it equates to fuddy-duddyness.

Back in high school, I was a goody-goody. I never felt the need to rebel. I expected guys to treat me with respect, and they always did. I never ever thought that I gained that respect because of how I lived my life. I was the girl that sang in the choir ensemble, sang at churches, didn't drink, didn't hook up. I never realized that until this exact instant.

Back to when it all changed. After graduting high school, I went off to college. I was on my own, and didn't know what to do with myself. I easily fell into the trap of drinking, partying, just the 'normal' college experience that you see in movies. Can't say I was unhappy, but really can't say I was happy at this time. The guys I met, dated, etc... let's just say there weren't any meaningful relationship during that time for me.

*it's interesting to note that when I started partying so much, I abandoned what used to be a great source of comfort for me- going to church*

Once I graduated from college, I moved to a different city. I kept on partying like a college kid, until I went to grad school. Very boring place, so the partying pretty much stopped. Fast forward to today. I live in a big city, and at first partied like the rest of them. I have come to realize that DC is pretty much like college all over again. Which was a time of my life that I really thought I was past. But really, not much has changed. Even when I stopped going out so much, the guys I meet... I'm not saying are awful, mean people, but just not the kind of guys I want a serious relationship with.

I have thought a lot on why this keeps happening. Yes, I have come to a conclusion:

The way I live my life is the reason I attract bad guys (and by bad guys I mean both actual bad guys, and guys who aren't right (or are bad) for me). My switch from being a good church-going girl to a partying girl has made me unattractive to good guys, and attractive to bad guys. Pretty simple, huh? Yep, a very 'duh' moment.

So what to do about that? The obvious answer is to go to church, yep- get my butt in a pew. Easier said that done, at least for me. Pretty much all of my friends (the one's I hang out with) still like the going-out-bar scene. I feel as though if I quit hanging out with my friends, then I won't have any friends at all! Sounds silly, but it is a real concern.

Now I have always tried to talk myself out of changing (i.e. quit partying, go to church) by rationalizing that plenty of girls who live this way have boyfriends and get married. The way they live their life does not seem to have effected their ability to find someone. But I have come to the realization that this will not work for me, that the whole 'party scene' is not something that I am completely comfortable in--- it's not something that I enjoy a whole lot.

So, it sounds like I have a lot of changing to do. I really want to get started on in soon, because I am tired of not being happy. And I can't help but wonder if there are other girls out there who could use this epiphany of mine...

Chasing Fireworks

Have you ever felt like you were chasing after the ungraspable? It gets to where you don't even know what you are chasing after anymore, but you just keep going. This blog will be about my ever-evolving journey in this crazy-thing-called-life. I'm just looking for an outlet, and I hope you enjoy it...

MORE TO COME

Wasting My Time

I have decided to quit drinking like I have been. For now, just saying 'I will quit drinking as much' isn't working. I tend to have bad judgement when I drink- I sometimes don't demand the respect I deserve. I do no like the person I become when I'm this way.


So for now, I will just drink on special occassions, with probably a 3 drink maximum. Because I mean really, what will I be missing out on? Going to a bar, where it's always the same ol' thing. It's not like I'm making any lasting relationships with anyone I meet. I just end up being bored, yawning my face off, with a totally un-fun hangover the next day.


What it all boils down to is I want to start becoming the person that I really want to be- to move toward that. There really isn't any excuse not to, nothing to wait on. And I just know that I will be a lot happier if I just do it.


In a way it's like another leap of faith. What am I so scared of? What am I holding on to?
And I don't want anyone to feels as though I think it's a bad thing to do, to drink. I just know that its bad for me, that I need to take a step back from it. Its not like I haven't had great times with friends- hanging out, drinking, talking. Because I have. It's just that right now, in this time of my life, it isn't doing my any good. And I really want to fill my life with only good things.

I should go on more walks

So I'm staying in tonight, yeah I know its Friday, but I've been sick all week (I know, lame, whatever… I don't care). So I went on a much needed trip to CVS. As I was walking along, I noticed a squirrel climbing up a tree with something in its mouth. A really big something. When I got closer, I noticed it was another squirrel! A smaller squirrel. I literally gasped out loud… a hand over mouth gasp. For those of you who don't know, I had a squirrel as a special 'guest' in my house. And by special guest, I mean 'unwanted.' For three weeks it ran rampant, eating half an apple, but only taking one bite out of a banana (that was nice, I guess). For most of this time, I was the only one who saw it. It would actually run at me! So I have an extreme dislike for squirrels. Before, I thought they were kinda cute, running around with their acorns. Well not anymore…


So back to my story, the bigger squirrel was holding a smaller squirrel in its mouth. I thought I heard one of them squeak. Then it dropped the smaller squirrel to the ground. This is when I gasped out loud with my hand over my mouth. It made my stomach turn a little. It didn't move, and the bigger squirrel just stayed on the tree, waiting to go back down. I swear it acted like it was going to come at me (but I could be paranoid about that from past experiences). My first thought was 'are squirrels cannibals?' Because now I just assume any squirrel is up to no good. Then I thought that maybe the smaller squirrel was a baby, and the mom was trying to help it. Oh well, I would check it out on my way home from CVS.


So I'm walking along, and I pass a church, where a homeless man was laying at the front door. He was scratching his butt… under his pants. Now I usually feel sorry for homeless people when I see them, but this made my stomach turn a little. Maybe it was snowballing from the squirrel, who knows. Then I thought, 'is he really worried about what I think?' Some chick walking by, being queasy about him scratching his butt, is the least of his worries.


I make it to CVS, where there is another homeless guy- selling this newspaper that is written by homeless people (can't remember the name of it). He was very loudly and almost flamboyantly trying to sell it. He had a whole spiel. He said you could read poetry! Written by homeless people! You could help out the working homeless man! The one's that don't panhandle! For at least $1 you could enjoy this newspaper! He almost had me talked into it, but… not so much. He was gone when I left, or I might have gone ahead and bought one on the way out. I could use some good reading material. I just have no idea where that money would go. Besides, if I had any expendable income, I would gladly help out those less fortunate… by giving to organizations, not someone out on the street. But sadly, I do not.


So I was walking along, and I started thinking about an article I read on people.com (yes, I'm addicted, sue me). It was about how all of these Hollywood "It" girls are basically anorexic. I started thinking that these girls are who little girls look up to--- especially with fashion. I like how they dress- sometimes cute, sometimes classy, sometimes ridiculous. It's always fun to see what they wear (but I love clothes, so that's part of it). I started thinking about who I looked up to as 'fashion icons' when I was 8 (FYI: this article said girls that age are developing eating disorders). You know who I looked up to then for fashion? Madonna! Tiffany! Debbie Gibson! YIKES! But I would dress just as close to them as my parents would let me. I remember talking to my Mom probably 10-15 years ago about how fashion is cyclical, that things always come back in style—but that the 80's would NEVER come back, because the clothes were so awful. Well, it's back now, and kinda cute, I might add!


I also thanked the Lord that they weren't skinny stick girls, or I may have wanted to be, too. When I was 12 years old I was 5'3" and weighed 105 lbs. I was taller than all but one boy in my class! I remember one of the boys in my class (he was a tiny little thing) would always call me fat, but I would just ignore him. It never ever bothered me. I just hope if I ever have a little girl, she won't have to even think about the things little girls face these days.


So I'm still walking home. I get to the point where the squirrel fell from the tree. I don't see it there anymore. Then I glance down, and it was right next to my foot… dead It had moved about 3 feet. I gasped again. My ear even popped a little (weird). I would like to think the momma squirrel had tried to help the baby squirrel again, but it was too late. That maybe squirrels aren't evil after all. Anyway, I could not wait to get home.


Yeah, I should take more walks. You just never know what's going to happen, or what in the world will pop into my mind.

Have a little faith

There is something to be said about taking that leap. Taking action without knowing the consequences, about making life better for yourself. I've often thought about my decision to go to grad school. I wasn't happy with the job I had in Little Rock, I was applying for jobs like crazy. I got an interview at a museum, and I swear it was my dream job. Well, I didn't get it. So I started researching on how I could make myself employable in a museum. I found that there are masters in museum studies programs, took the GRE, and applied to Baylor University. While going through those processes, I got another job. I actually enjoyed this job, but it was in sales, it was commission only, and just not something I could do long term. I told myself that if I got into Baylor, than it was a sign, and I would go without thinking twice. I remember the day they called to tell me I was in… it was like time stopped. I couldn't believe it! 2 months later I had moved to Waco, Texas. Never having stepped foot in that city, I was living there.


So while I was at Baylor, I had to do an internship. I decided to apply to the Smithsonian, only because there was a small chance my Dad might get a job there, so I could live rent free. I asked my professors for references, and decided on 3 different positions to apply. By the time the applications were due, my Dad took a different job, but I felt that I still needed to apply, because my professors had already sent in my references! So I filled out the application, very poorly I might add. I was supposed to write an essay, and I didn't! Just skipped right over that part. So imagine my surprise when I got a call, The Smithsonian Associates wanted to interview me. I really could not believe it! So they interview me, and offered me the internship the next day. OH.MY.GOSH. It was exactly what I was interested in- educational outreach programming.


Without ever even visiting DC, I was going to live there for 10 weeks! I needed to find a place to stay. My friend had lived there before, and suggested I go to washingtoncitypaper.com. I found an ad for a 5 bedroom all-girl group house, and e-mailed my interest. They replied back that I had to do a conference call with them. Another phone interview! The day after the interview, they called to say they picked me, and I was all set.


So I moved to DC, and boy was I nervous! The girls sounded nice, but I had not even met them, and now I was going to live with them. Luckily, I could not have found a better situation. Everyone was really nice, and I was able to keep in touch with most of them after I moved back to Texas.


Fast forward to 1 ½ years later. I had finished my coursework at Baylor, but had no luck finding a job. That meant moving back home, and continuing the search. I got an e-mail last November from Emily, one of my former roommates who still lived in the house. She was inviting me to a house party, at my old house. I casually mention it to my Mom, and she said she would pay for me to go. How great is she! So I went up for the party, and found out a room would probably be open the next May. Well, when I got home, Emily called to say the room would be available in February, and would I be interested. Um, yeah! I couldn't find a museum job, or any job for that matter in Arkansas, so what better place to look for museum work than Washington, DC! 3 months later, I moved back into the house I had lived in during my internship. How amazing is that?


So, if I had never had the courage to go to grad school, I would have never gotten the internship at the Smithsonian, and never moved to DC. If I had never moved to DC before, I wouldn't be here now. Its funny how that all works out. And even though I haven't found a museum job, I have a great job, where I am gaining amazing experience and contacts, and have a great time! I've met a bunch of nice, good people, and there is always something to do. Although I have to admit, I miss my family and friends immensely. It makes me sad that I'm not around to watch my new baby nephew be a baby/toddler. But I feel like I'm in the right place for now. After 6 months here, it's getting easier for me to realize and accept that.


There are times in life when you have to make choices. Some big, some small, some just plain scary. And when you are trying to make up your mind, you can make yourself miserable. But once you make the decision and act on it, it's like a whole new world opens up for you. I have been truly blessed in life so far, and I have figured out that all it takes is having a little faith… of course in God (who I've come to realize answers prayers in the most mysterious ways), but also in yourself.

Oh my gosh!

I really can't take this anymore. I will be an aunt again any minute/hour now! My sis-in-law has been in induced labor for a few hours now. I can't sleep! This is driving me crazy! I hate that I'm not there right now...


Anyway, this amazing little life is about to begin, and I feel so connected already. Just like when my nephew was born. It's just so amazing to think... a new life. How great is that? Even when life throws you so many curves... it's still such a great thing. And to think that I will be a part of that life. For this new little person to know that I will be here for him/her (yes, it's a surprise!). To think of how my nephew is my heart, and that this new little person will be too. It's just amazing.

That Feeling

That feeling


What do you do with that feeling? That giddy, giggly, act-like-a-little-girl feeling? Does it make sense that it happens every time, every time we talk? That kind of feeling doesnt happen to me very often---especially not on this scale---so I feel at a loss when it does.


Awww, Im just in one of those moods. I know people who say they are sooo happy where they are in life. Not to say Im unhappy, but Im restless. I have always been restless. I think its safe to say Ive been restless since childhood. Always wanting something new; never satisfied with the environment I am in. I do not want to spend the rest of my life restless. It would be nice to finally feel stable--- to have something to come home to, to know that it is real and sure.


I feel like lately my mind is doing that searching thing again. Its a little different now than it has been before, maybe its because Im getting older, growing up. Growing inward, where I feel more in tune with my emotions, what I am truly feeling. Searching--- not exactly sure what for, but its there.


So, back to that feeling. What in the world do I do with it? Do I run away (as usual), do I let it take me over? Do I let myself fall, which by the way I am not good at doing? Really, the only reason to be afraid of heights is the pain that may result from falling. I guess I just want to be sure that someone will be there to catch me. I want to be assured of where I will land.


Because that feeling? That feeling is great, amazing. Its something that I want to feel every day.

This Moment Contains All Moments

I am a REALLY big C.S. Lewis fan. So I thought I would share some of his quotes with everyone.


Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.


To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.


This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.


This moment contains all moments.


God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.


What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what kind of a person you are.


Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.


We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with.


Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.


The very man who has argued you down, will sometimes be found, years later, to have been influenced by what you said.


Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours.


Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.


If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.


No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.


I think we all sin by needlessly disobeying the apostolic injunction to "rejoice" as much as by anything else.


He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart.


Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.


There is no neutral ground in the universe; every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan.


I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.


Has this world been so kind to you that you should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave behind.


You play the hand you're dealt. I think the game's worthwhile.

Livin' on the Edge

For those of you that dont know me well, Im not an outdoorsy person. Not a risk taker, very lazy indeed. Well, I was invited to come a long on a camping/whitewater rafting trip for this weekend in West Virginia. I was told that it wasnt a big deal, that you dont have to be in shape. When I looked into it, I saw that the minimum age for most trips was around 12. So I figured, what the hell, this is not something I get the chance to do very often, it should be lots of fun


So we get there Friday evening, set up our tent and hung out with our friends (there was 14 total). Camping in the great outdoors, on an Appalachian mountaintop in a thunderstorm, fun fun stuff!


So the first morning we had a 8:30 whitewater rafting trip on the Upper New River. This is for beginners, but they still give you the "you could die" spiel, so I was pretty much scared to death. But once I got used to it, it was lots of fun, not too difficult at all, I didnt fall out once! Keep in mind that I rode it on a raft with 7 other people. Had a blast!


So the next morning we had a 8:55 whitewater rafting trip on the Lower Gauley. This trip promised to be a little bit more exciting, a little bit more difficult, but manageable to beginners like me. Oh yeah, and the water was 50 degrees. Definitely glad I rented the full wetsuit. Now this is a special river. Not that I will get these facts all straight, but basically during this time of year, its really tame. There is a lake that lets out water into the Gauley River daily, the amount is always different, they just have to keep the lake at a certain water level. The amount they release determines the volume of water in the river, which in turn determines what type of water craft you ride on it. That day they planned on us riding something called duckies. This is basically a one person raft, looks like an inflatable canoe. You get the double-bladed paddle, and your on your own. The guides stand on rocks along the rapids, and tell you how to navigate what youre doing wrong, rescue you, etc... we were very close to the volume that you ride in the big rafts in, but we were supposed to be okay in the duckies


So we get in the river (now keep in mind it had been raining all weekend). Its pretty rough, the first whitewater rapid was a class 5, and I bit it really hard! I swear, I thought I was going to die. I tried to keep my duckie and paddle, but could not swim with them, so I just let them go. It was awful!


After that, I did not fall (or swim) again. I was doing pretty well, even made it through another class 5. Now, all of us (there were about 40 total, and we had the river to ourselves) were blissfully unaware that at about lunch time, the Gauley River experienced a flash flood. For some odd reason, the rapids after lunch were SO much harder. I swam almost every time! Everyone was swimming. It was AWFUL! I was getting really scared, and begged to get in the chicken boat (one raft they brought along to put scared people in was supposed to hold 4, but they said it was full with only 3 people in it). So I kept going. My arms felt like spaghetti, they were basically worthless. It got to where when I swam, I could not get myself back in to my duckie. This is when they decided to get me in the full raft. Well, the raft took off, so a guide roped me to him, so I could rest up, we planned to get me on the raft next rapid. Then OOPS, the chicken raft totally upended (its on the video, looked pretty bad!). Now keep in mind at this point, the guides were swimming (remember, that means falling out in rapids) lots too!


I ended up staying roped to the guide. Even so, I basically swam on every rapid (only made it through very few). It got to the point that every time I swam, my calves were cramping. That made it even scarier. And even though I was roped to a guide, I was still having to paddle through, and I was still swimming (usually from running into huge waves). It got to one rapid where my guide (Scott) had to let me go. There was a 14 foot wave coming up, and he said I would definitely swim, that I could not be roped him to when that happened. He said it was deep water, that there was nothing for me to hit, that I would be fine. He would be right behind me to pick me up, and another guide (Jay, who saved me countless times) said he would be there to. So I take off, through it, trying to cut left because Scott said I would miss the wave. The next thing I know, Im heading right towards this monster wave. Somehow I made it right over! (I have video to prove it). I had no idea what I had done, but Scott and Jay were so excited, they had to tell me that I had made it! Such a strange experience. So the ride ended with me going past the drop off point, taking a friend who tried to help me along. We both had to be saved by a guide, and walk back along the shore to the bus. I was never so happy to see muddy land in my life!


So as I understand it, we were at the water volume (1200) that was safe for duckies. When it gets up to 1400, you ride in rafts. The guides estimated that the water volume was up to 2400, because of the flash flood (they did not tell us this until we were on the way back to camp). We all survived a trip that few people would ever risk doing! The Gauley is one of the top 10 whitewater rafting rivers in the world. Also, know as the Beast of the East, basically someone like me (or really any of us) had no business riding this river (at that volume) on a duckie! Wild wild, crazy crazy stuff.


So we got back to camp, turned in our gear, took a shower, and met back up to watch the video. Our guides were hanging out, and they brought other guides along to watch the video. Everyone was amazed that we were able to do it. One guide told me that in his 13 years of doing this, our rafting trip was the most fun, and we were the best group he had ever had. He said that they had been talking about us ever since they had gotten back, about how great we did, how proud they were of us. He told me that if I could do what we had just gone through, that I could do anything. It was a pretty amazing experience. My friends even told me that the guides said they were impressed by me (impressed... by little ol me???), because I didnt give up. (oh yeah, forgot to add, by the end of the trip there were 6 people in the chicken raft- that was only supposed to hold 4, and that I was told (okay, yelled at) that I couldnt get in!


They showed our tape at the bar later that night, and no one could believe we did it. One girl told me I was a badass (again, little ol me... badass???). When has that ever happened in my life! It took awhile for it to hit me that what I did was a once in a lifetime experience. That most people will never get the chance to ride a river like that in a duckie. Pretty cool (scary, but cool).


So will I ever do anything like that again? Not without working out, strengthening my arms and building up my endurance. Do I regret going? Not on your life. It made me feel just a little bit more confident--- well this is hard to explain. It made me confident that I could do something that difficult and succeed (ok, survive!), especially for doing something that I never thought I would do. Also, it boosted the way I see myself, that I'm not a totally helpless person, that I'm tougher than I ever thought. Definitely a life-altering experience, something that I am still trying to take all in!


Be sure to check out the "Lower Gauley" and "Duckie Fun" links!
http://www.aceraft.com/

Oh Bother!

I am consistently frustrated by the dualities in my life. The differences between my mind and spirit, between what I think I need and what I want, between reason and passion, the constant struggle to make the "right" choices. I feel like there has to be a better way. I just pray to God that one day it will all make sense. Because right now nothing makes sense...


Oh well, it's just one of those days I guess...

Sex and the City~words of wisdom

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less. Than butterflies...


Okay, now it's my turn:
I have come to a realization. Love. You dont get to pick who you fall in love with. Whatever preconception you had growing up, might as well throw it out the window. Rich, good looking, the guy you wanted to be behind the door on the Dating Game board game- aw just forget about it. Who chooses that love for you? God? Your heart? Who knows. But its not something you plan, its not something you choose, you just know. And you cant help it.


Have I met that guy? Not sure. But I do know that I will not let that man pass me by. I will keep my eyes open, my heart open. And to accept anything less, not gonna do it anymore.

Conversations

So I cant sleep right now. As a result, I got to thinking about conversations. My friend Robin and I were talking today about random stuff as usual. And when we talk, we usually end up comparing life to random things. For example- to Monopoly or Uno. We talk of her unhealthy hatred of lotion. Im sure no one else would really get it, but its pretty good stuff, trust me.


So, there are so many types of conversations; good, bad, sad, funny. The other night I was talking to a friend at the bar, we were telling each other just how tired we were. I finally looked at him and said- this is the WORST conversation ever . Eh, it happens, kinda makes me laugh.


I went to a party yesterday, and had many great conversations with some really cool people. Now, I really dont remember all of them, but it was a great time, fun party. Meeting new people, hearing their views on things- profound or mundane, now that is a good time.


And of course those angry conversations. Not such a good time in my book. Drama- really like to avoid it. But sometimes those come up, and they can be a good thing. Not fun, but good.


And then I think about talking to someone who basically knows everything about me, and I pretty much know everything there is to know about him, and every time weak knees. Ahhh, nice Scary, but in a good way.

No worries...was I worried?

Now, I have lived in this fair city for about 3 months, and so very often do I hear this statement- "no worries." I hear it all the time, from friends and co-workers, in person and in e-mails. This is not something I've heard people say a lot before, I guess it hasn't made it to ol Arkansas, yet. And the funny thing about it to me is that I really wasn't worried in the first place. Now, should I have been worried? Was the situation something I should REALLY have been worried about? Does the person saying this to me THINK I'm worried? And invariably I will hear/read this statement a lot in one day, so I notice it more. Makes me feel like I'm in freakin' Jamaica--"no worries mon, do what you gotta do mon." Not that I've actually been to Jamaica, but I've seen 'Cool Runnings,' I pay attention to popular culture. So I feel like I'm in Jamaica, except no pretty beach, no palm trees, no dread locks (okay, not many). Sometime I want to say "Hakuna Matata" back, but that would just reveal what a true nerd I am. Gotta keep that hidden!


Anyway, I will quit griping now.

I just wanna...

...listen to music all night long with someone. Just saw the Red Hot Chile Peppers on SNL, reminded me of being a freshman in college. Listening to music with a cute guy; talking about Greenday, RHCP, Soundgarden- great bands back then. That was the most fun, greatest time. I don't seem to have those kind of "times" with guys anymore. Whatever happened to just sitting, talking about everything, things that you really like, are passionate about. Whatever happened...?

My morning

I slept through my alarm clock the second time in two weeks; which made me late for work... WHAT IN THE WORLD! I mean, I have one of those fancy, Sharper Image alarm clocks, and it doesn't wake me up!!! Guess I'll go to CVS tonight and get a new one.


So, I head off to work, 15 minutes after I'm supposed to be there. And for those of you who don't know, I have a lovely walk to work. I walk past the Capitol, Supreme Court, it's just very pleasant. Well, not this morning. I was just so mad at myself for being late, fuming when I can't do anything about it. Well, as I'm walking, a dog decides to take a poop on the sidewalk. Right in the middle of it! (Senate side for you Hill people). Right as I was walking by. So I'm thinking "is this really going to be ONE OF THOSE DAYS?" The owner just said "when you gotta go, you gotta go!" I look at this black labs face, and it looks back as if to say "I'm cute, its totally fine I'm taking a big ol dump on the side walk, really lady, you should get over it." I swear, I busted out laughing!


So that put me in a better mood (as weird as that sounds). So I'm walking along, and I see a gaggle of tourists riding on Segways. Black and pink Segways. Now normally I see these people, and I think "how pathetic." Can't you just walk? Is it that hard?" I mean really, to be seen on one of those is just on the crazy side of embarassing. I also think about The Jetsons, but that's another thing. So today I thought, well that is actually a very smart mode of transportation, especially for tourists. Walking around this place can be exhausting. Kudos to whoever came up with this ingenius idea for people touring our Nations Capital!


So weird, this mood I'm in this morning...