Don't judge a book by it's cover...

So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.

Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.

I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.

But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So I was thinking of this phrase the other day, actually it's a phrase I think of often:

"If you don't know God, you can't know Love."

I know, I know, double negative, whatever. I think it's a powerful statement. I can't remember where I first heard that, but it's been a long time ago. Years and years. I tried to google it, but couldn't find anything. One thing similiar I found was:

"If you don't believe that God exists, where does your morality come from. God is LOVE and you can't know LOVE for me without LOVE for Him."

How great is that? I have found, through my dating guys that do not believe in God or in practicing religion, that they can say they love me, but certainly not show it. That maybe they believed they loved me, but didn't know what love really is. Because God is Love. If you don't know God, then how can you know anything about Love?

Yep, gotta find me a good Christian man, that's all there is to it.

Love

Wake up every morning thanking God for another precious day. Even if you feel alone, you aren't, you are loved more than you could ever imagine. I just had to put that thought down first, because it's something I try to tell myself everyday.

Now back to Love. It's such a pretty word, say it out loud. LOVE. A very elegant word, in my opinion. It's also a simple word. One-syllable. Oh, if were just that simple. But what in life is?

Here is a great quote I found:

"Do you want me to tell you something subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -Erica Jong


Anyway, I just can't wait to actually have that feeling, to feel that way and have someone feel it back. I feel like I'm readying myself for this, and just hope I am going in the right direction.

There is nothing wrong with being old-fashioned...

I must remember to keep telling myself this. Today's society does not seem to commend this attribute, especially in my age group. Of course I have fought this notion before, the phrase itself- 'old fashioned'- sounds like it equates to fuddy-duddyness.

Back in high school, I was a goody-goody. I never felt the need to rebel. I expected guys to treat me with respect, and they always did. I never ever thought that I gained that respect because of how I lived my life. I was the girl that sang in the choir ensemble, sang at churches, didn't drink, didn't hook up. I never realized that until this exact instant.

Back to when it all changed. After graduting high school, I went off to college. I was on my own, and didn't know what to do with myself. I easily fell into the trap of drinking, partying, just the 'normal' college experience that you see in movies. Can't say I was unhappy, but really can't say I was happy at this time. The guys I met, dated, etc... let's just say there weren't any meaningful relationship during that time for me.

*it's interesting to note that when I started partying so much, I abandoned what used to be a great source of comfort for me- going to church*

Once I graduated from college, I moved to a different city. I kept on partying like a college kid, until I went to grad school. Very boring place, so the partying pretty much stopped. Fast forward to today. I live in a big city, and at first partied like the rest of them. I have come to realize that DC is pretty much like college all over again. Which was a time of my life that I really thought I was past. But really, not much has changed. Even when I stopped going out so much, the guys I meet... I'm not saying are awful, mean people, but just not the kind of guys I want a serious relationship with.

I have thought a lot on why this keeps happening. Yes, I have come to a conclusion:

The way I live my life is the reason I attract bad guys (and by bad guys I mean both actual bad guys, and guys who aren't right (or are bad) for me). My switch from being a good church-going girl to a partying girl has made me unattractive to good guys, and attractive to bad guys. Pretty simple, huh? Yep, a very 'duh' moment.

So what to do about that? The obvious answer is to go to church, yep- get my butt in a pew. Easier said that done, at least for me. Pretty much all of my friends (the one's I hang out with) still like the going-out-bar scene. I feel as though if I quit hanging out with my friends, then I won't have any friends at all! Sounds silly, but it is a real concern.

Now I have always tried to talk myself out of changing (i.e. quit partying, go to church) by rationalizing that plenty of girls who live this way have boyfriends and get married. The way they live their life does not seem to have effected their ability to find someone. But I have come to the realization that this will not work for me, that the whole 'party scene' is not something that I am completely comfortable in--- it's not something that I enjoy a whole lot.

So, it sounds like I have a lot of changing to do. I really want to get started on in soon, because I am tired of not being happy. And I can't help but wonder if there are other girls out there who could use this epiphany of mine...

Chasing Fireworks

Have you ever felt like you were chasing after the ungraspable? It gets to where you don't even know what you are chasing after anymore, but you just keep going. This blog will be about my ever-evolving journey in this crazy-thing-called-life. I'm just looking for an outlet, and I hope you enjoy it...

MORE TO COME

Wasting My Time

I have decided to quit drinking like I have been. For now, just saying 'I will quit drinking as much' isn't working. I tend to have bad judgement when I drink- I sometimes don't demand the respect I deserve. I do no like the person I become when I'm this way.


So for now, I will just drink on special occassions, with probably a 3 drink maximum. Because I mean really, what will I be missing out on? Going to a bar, where it's always the same ol' thing. It's not like I'm making any lasting relationships with anyone I meet. I just end up being bored, yawning my face off, with a totally un-fun hangover the next day.


What it all boils down to is I want to start becoming the person that I really want to be- to move toward that. There really isn't any excuse not to, nothing to wait on. And I just know that I will be a lot happier if I just do it.


In a way it's like another leap of faith. What am I so scared of? What am I holding on to?
And I don't want anyone to feels as though I think it's a bad thing to do, to drink. I just know that its bad for me, that I need to take a step back from it. Its not like I haven't had great times with friends- hanging out, drinking, talking. Because I have. It's just that right now, in this time of my life, it isn't doing my any good. And I really want to fill my life with only good things.