Flippin'

I don't know when this all happened, but it is really recent. I have changed. In a good way, well at least in my eyes. If you don't know how, just read my most recent blogs, they pretty much sum it up. Yeah, they pretty much say it all.



However, they say it all pretty seriously, as in 'hey, where did your sense of humor go, or at least a semblance of personality???' So, although I'm pretty different than, say, I was about 3 months ago, I'm still me, I'm still here. Just wanted to make that clear.



And since I have nothing else to say, I'm going with random thoughts today:



* My favorite color is green, but I've been leaning towards purple lately. No idea why, but I'm even thinking about having my next tattoo be a purple one.



* Have you ever heard that tattoo's are addictive? Well, they are. Doesn't necessarily mean I will get a new one, but I've been thinking about it lately. Haven't had one in about 5 years, and only have 2. Chris, if you are reading this, I will SO go do it with you!!! (see, I CAPITALIZED, bolded and italicized it, so that means I'm serious).



* Think I've settled on a favorite song. For some reason I really like 'Holding My Last Breath' by Evanescence. Been listening to it a lot lately, and I mean a lot as in 'on repeat - a lot.'



* Can I really run 20 miles tomorrow, even though I haven't run in 2 weeks (well, except for 3 miles last night (been sick)), and the longest distance I have run is 14 miles??? Hey, it's only 6 miles more, and it's all mind over matter, anyway... right???



* I have lived in DC for 1.5 years, and am finally getting used to calling it home, even still - I sometimes feel like a visitor/tourist. Like I will be going back to live in Arkansas any day now. Is that weird? Because I really like it here.....



* I bought lunch for a homeless man today. I never give money to homeless people, but the sound of his voice touched my heart. He was asking for food, so I decided to buy him some. Plus I just wanted to help someone.



* I went for a run last night, and a guy (pretty cute, I might add) was driving past. He asked me how to get to 66. Told him I wasn't sure, because I don't drive around here. (think he would have to get on 395, head toward the airport, but I wasn't sure). He said okay, but then kept saying 'this sucks, this sucks.' I swear, he was mad at me! Probably not, but it was weird.



* Speaking of cute guys, when I went to the doctor last week, I was first evaluated by a med student. He was totally cute, and his name was Ace! No kidding, it was even embroidered on his white doctor's coat. I think I'm in love. (okay, not really ;) ).



* How is it that Ellen Degeneres is so flippin' funny? I'm watching her right now. Does she practice at it? Is it an innate ability that she has nurtured into this incredible talent that she brings to millions of people every day? And how in the world does one live in that world? I could never have millions of people watching me every-single-day. Whooooa, the pressure... but it does seem like a good way to make money.



* I think it was Twain who once said people live the majority of their lives in their heads. Okay, I can see that.



* Dr. Phil is talking about the 'Jena 6' right now. I know it's been in the news, but I only read about it today. Made me want to cry, the ignorance that still exists in this world... Oh, by the way, Phil is talking about 'where are the parents,' which is a very good point. And yes, I'm on a first name basis with him, isn't everyone?


* I have got to drink more water today.


* Okay, it was bugging me, so I looked it up. “Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head.” Oh yeah, and Mark Twain said that.


* Yesterday, I decided to be a 'MySpace stalker' (wait for it, it's not as bad as it sounds). I searched some of my exes. Found 2. One I messaged, because hey, he's a nice guy. The other... I didn't message, and it doesn't look like he really uses MySpace. He was the guy that, well, let's just say I'm glad he's out of my life. Took the term 'player' to a whole new level. His only friends were Tom and a 20 year-old girl in PA (and he doesn't live anywhere near there). Weird...


* I'm about to make a bold statement here. Still working on it, thought, you will just have to wait!


* I find it fascinating that I am the kind of person who keeps moving around... and I tend to date the same kinda of people (hence the 'no really long-term relationships' in my back pocket). What's up with that? Although I will say that a psychic once told me that I'm a lot like my father, as far as moving around a lot (the man has lived in Mexico City, South Africa, and Baghdad for goodness sake! I've only done Fayetteville, Little Rock, Waco and DC), that he worries about me, and doesn't see that I'm like him. She also told me to stay away from Navy guys, and that I will have twins. So, we'll see...

Oh yeah, she also told me that we pick our parents. Think on that one awhile, won't ya?!?


* Okay, went and got more water, you don't to worry about it anymore! And I know you were, don't try to deny it...


* I wonder who actually reads my blogs. I know of a few people, but I think it was 26 people that read my last one. So, is that 26 people, or are some people reading it more than once? Hmmmm... which.could.it.be?


* "... and it POURED DOWN RAIN ON ME." That one's for my sister, in case she's reading this.


* I just opened up a Dove dark chocolate, and it says, "Get lost walking in a corn maze." Huh??? Does that sound like fun? Or even comforting, soothing? And where in the world would I even find a corn maze? I would have to plan a trip or something, this is stressing me out...


* "If you don't know God, than you can never know love." There it is, my bold statement.

Said it before, I will say it again. I wish everyone could feel the way I feel. Because it's awesome. So yes, I've changed, but trust me, in a good way. Makes me want to cry. Cry for joy in my new awakening, but in sadness a bit, because I know there are people who will never let themselves feel this way. Some of those people could be friends of mine. They may very well never know the absolute joy and happiness that I feel every.single.day. And it's all so simple, you just have to let it happen. And you probably have to change your life, yeah-that's not so simple. But please, if you have any inkling, just give it a try. I promise you, its SOOO worth it.

The Road More or Less Traveled

"And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction"

~I Corinthians 7:35

I have a feeling that it's all a cruel trick. This world we live in, where flighty heiress' and down-trodden pop stars make more news than things that matter... how incredibly laughable it all is. I can't say that I'm not guilty of being entertained by it all. It's everywhere you look, 'people' are becoming 'brands' (check out this article in the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/16/magazine/16zoe-t.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin).

The thing is, it's all a grand distraction. Why spend any time reading my Bible, going to church, fellowshipping (is that a word?) with other Christians, meditating on God and faith... when I can read US Weekly, Perez Hilton, watch all the gossip every imaginable? Or better still, when I can go out and get drunk with attractive, successful, seemingly happy people.

The answer is simple. Because it's EASY. That is the essence of a distraction... that it is easier than what you are attempting to do. It is easier to strive for the superficial. If I were still going out and getting drunk all the time, I would have a lot more 'friends.' Friends I could go through like kleenex's (that's what they seem to do), but friends all the same. I like to refer to those kinds of people as acquantances, actually. I'm pretty picky about who I label 'friend.' And the sad thing is, if I join in on these 'mind-numbing pursuits,' I could probably have more dates, and even find a better job. It's all about connections, especially in this city.

But I digress. The road most traveled, that's where I was. Of course I was there, it was SO MUCH EASIER, and on the surface... a lot more fun. It is only when I realized what it really was.... a distraction... that I got tired of it. Yet while I'm tired of it, and feel as though I'm getting off of it, I'm still there in some ways.

I may still gossip, drink one too many on occassion (although not NEAR as much as I used to, Thank God), or any number of other sins. Some may see me as hypocritical when this happens... when I lose my way. The reality of it is, I'M HUMAN. Born to make mistakes ("I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made..." remember that song?). Yes, I am human, as in not perfect.

I wrote a blog about this, kinda. I didn't post this one on MySpace, but here is what I said about it:

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Don't judge a book by it's cover...
So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.

So what I'm trying to say is... I apologize. I apologize to everyone for things I've done in my past, I apologize for things I might do in the future that will let people down. Because I am human, and yes, I will let people down. Just know that I will beat myself up over it, more than anyone else ever could.

*****
These distractions are making me numb, numb to the reality of the world. Please God, help me to see them for what they are, and help me get back on that road less traveled.
*****

"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind"

~Thoreau


The Road Not Taken


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;


Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,


And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.


I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost

Livin' on a Prayer

Living on a prayer, literally every day.

Every.Single. Day.

Trying VERY hard to pray continuously.

Know that it is not in my nature to do so.

Feel as though I'm not doing it right.

Know that there is no other way.

You have to feel the effects of a fall before you can recognize and appreciate the reward of standing tall.

Impatient. Waiting. Hoping.

Looking for a connection.

ACHING for it.

At the same time, feel as though I'm closed off.

Have become even more picky.

Don't want to pine after the impossible.

LOOKING-CONNECT

Don't want this wall to stay up.

Not sure how to break it down.

Know that is has served me well in the past, when I wasn't paying attention.

When I let people in who didn't deserve to be there.

Feeling incredibly helpless, and knowing that this is how it is supposed to be.

Trying to appreciate it, and actually succeeding at times.

MIRACULOUS

Marveling at the state I'm in.

Feel floaty, feel free.

FREE.

It is still a struggle.

One that doesn't go away.

This struggle should be embraced.

It is why we are here.

IT.IS.WHY.I'M.HERE.

GOODNESS.

It is everywhere, you just have to seek it.

Wish it were more pervasive.

Know that the world doesn't work that way.

"We are all fallen creatures, and very hard to live with" C.S.L.

Know where this world is headed, led by human nature.

NOT.PRETTY.AT.ALL.

FAITH.

Faith in God. In His Plan. In His Guidance. In His LOVE. In His Forgiveness.

Everything else pales in comparison.

EVERYTHING-ELSE.

PRAY.

Pray for Forgiveness, for Happiness, for LOVE, for everything and nothing at all.

Feel selfish, admit this in my prayers to Him.

Funny, because He already knows.

Does God laugh?

TIRED.

Emotionally, physically, mentally tired.

Looking for fulfillment.

Feels as though I'm on my way.

Wish I could take YOU with me.

Can't.

This trip is to be made alone.