Thoughts at 2 am

I have had trouble sleeping this week, and last night was no exception. However, I kept having thoughts, that I just had to write down. Literally, I would turn off my lamp, think of something, then turn it back on. This lasted until about 2:30. A lot of what I jotted down is for something else I'm writing, but there were tangent thoughts, thought I'd share:

'Wake up every morning thanking God for another precious day. Even if you feel alone, you aren't, you are loved more than you could ever imagine.' I had this thought and wrote it down within this past year. It was during a time when I really started seeking out how I could be happy, fulfilled. I told myself 'I need to be thanking God -EVERY DAY- for what he has done, is doing, and will continue to be doing for me.' The depths of His love are unfathomable. I think that's why it can be so difficult for some people to let Him in. Well, do it anyway. It is still indescribable, yet amazing. Let Him overwhelm you. (Go to http://www.myspace.com/matthewandlizi and listen to 'The Meaning of it All').

"Judge not lest ye be judged (Matt 7:1)." Don't judge. Do you really want to be the person who casts that first stone (John 8:7)?" Yeah, I think not, if you are honest with yourself. Besides, you never know how God is working in someone else's life. I am pretty sure it is just as He works in yours and mine, every single day. Everybody has their own path.*

Sometimes I feel like a newborn baby. I am changing the way I think. I can feel incredibly awkward in my walk with Him. That's okay, too. He is there to catch me if I fall.

God is speaking to me in many different ways. I believe this is what happens when you come to Him in Faith. Answered prayers are all around me. I wrote a blog about one instance click HERE to read it. Also, I recenty wrote a blog titled 'Ruins.' I know this one was sort of vague, but it's something that I needed to share. And I'm not kidding, about 3 days later, I read a chapter in a book about 'fixing' your ruins. Click HERE to read the blog, click HERE to read about the book- 'Breaking Free' by Beth Moore. It was just crazy-cool to have that happen. I feel as though this is God telling me that I'm on the right track.

*Addedum 3/26/2008: For some reason I thought of this blog post last night, and wanted to be whoever reads this (which by now no one might ever do) knows how I mean about 'everyone has their own path.' I mean path in life. I do not mean path to God. There is only one Way, that is through the death and resurrection of Christ. Humbling yourself to the knowledge that your Maker decided to give you a path to Him through His Son. That in Christ's death, He bore the punishment for your sins, and through His resurrection, He conquered death, giving you assurance for eternal life. That's it. I have no idea why this post popped into my head last night.

Ruins

“So now you’d better stop and rebuild your ruins, for peace and trust can win the day despite all of your losing.” Led Zeppelin

How does anyone do it?

How can someone really think that it’s okay to take whatever pain they’re feeling out on another?

Is it really that fun? Is the act itself worth it? Can any pleasure - derived from actions taken from pain - really be worth the damage inflicted?

It is difficult to trust. It is difficult to let go. Sometimes, it is difficult to see very far past ones self. There are no more excuses. No more pretending that everything is okay.
Because in reality, it is not.

The result is loneliness. Exhaustion from blocking people out. It is literally like an invisible wall, one that can be felt.

That girl is missed. The carefree girl. She knew she was smart, she knew she was lovely. She was loved beyond measure. Still is, but just can’t feel it as much. She enjoys being invisible, it is difficult to break the bubble…

It sucks to be numb.

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And hey, guess what? There is an answer. An answer to anything and everything. An answer to any past wrongs, any injuries that seemed irreparable.

The answer is inside of you, has been there all along. No one can teach it to you. Sure, it can be pointed out, but there is only ONE who can GIVE it to you.

Breathe in, breathe out, just let it happen. If you don’t know it, seek it. If you don’t believe in it, open your mind a little. Open your heart a little. Try to see the world as it is, not as everyone tells you.

God is seeking you out, let Him find you.

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You know, the funny thing about being treated badly is this: you get used to it. You get comfortable with it. If someone treats you the opposite way, treats you well, now THAT is uncomfortable. If something is foreign to you, no matter how good it is, it will make you uneasy. Yep, it’s a funny thing…

The 'one' I've been 'waiting' for...

Thought I'd never find you. Lo these many years, I've been waiting... in eerie fascination. What would you be like? In what way would you 'pop up' in my life? Would you be welcomed? Or cut out like a bad seed....?

And now I have you. What happens from here? Oh, my first... precious? unwanted? endearing? annoying?................ FIRST WHITE HAIR!

Ahhhh! What in the world!?!?!? I am devastated. Okay, not really, I'm not that vain. It's just such... a ... weird thing. I actually found it about a month ago, and immediately told the first person I saw (my roommate Sarah), then the following 3 or 4 people I saw (total strangers/friends of Sarah's). That was a weird reaction. And what a great first impression, 'oh yeah, I met Sarah's friend... she was... interesting...'

So, it sticks straight up about 1.5 inches, right in the front of my hairline, right in the part. Straight.up. One of the first thoughts I had was, 'I haven't even had kids yet, and I'm going gray!'

I've been asked if I will pull it out, but I have decided not to (as you can tell, I've told TOO MANY PEOPLE). I am curious as to what it will do. Will it grow out long and gracefully, or be one of thise kinky white-gray hairs. Will it be curly/wavy like the rest of my hair seems to be going? I will say that it is a nice snow-white. Not an ugly gray...

So anyway, what a year. I turned 30, have had a great religious/spiritual awakening, and have found my first white hair. This year will go down in the books, I tell ya...

Thought of the Day: November 5 (yesterday)

I had a thought yesterday. I need to quit worrying so much about what other people think of me, and concentrate more on how I see myself.

I spend SO MUCH TIME analyzing why so-and-so treats me one way, or how such-and-such things keep on happening...

Well, I'm officially done. I've been pretty good about catching myself now, when I try to figure out why someone has to put me down, you know, in those little ways that aren't always noticeable (think 'frenemy'-type behavior, I watched a segment on the subject on The Today Show: http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/02/444392.aspx). I've just got to stop it. There is no way I could ever figure out why someone behaves in that way, because there is no way I could know someones heart in that way. And it's not my job to know it. It's not my concern.

So, for instance, in my many over-analytical discussions with myself on these types of people, I often think it has something to do with where they are in life right now, maybe they are disappointed by certain aspects of their lives, and feel the need to take it out on others. Well, guess what? If I'm right about that, THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. So why even think about it in the first place? Not to say I wouldn't be there for a friend who is going through something, but there isn't much sense in thinking about it unless they ask me too. Plus, I could be totally wrong.

Anyway, I'm just not going to waste my energy on it anymore. This kind of thinking has taken the focus off of me, and where I want to be in my life. Too much worrying about what other people think or their actions will do that to a gal!

What do you do when your prayers are answered...

I'm talking literally answered in one day... Well, here is what happened...

I want to say this happened about 2 months ago, but it could be more than that. I had been very sporadically going to church by myself. And I HATE going to church by myself. By nature, I'm reallllllly shy, so it's just kind of hard. Especially when I'm used to being in a church where my family is there, not just my biological family, but my church family. People who have known me my whole life and such...

So, let's just say it's not easy for me to go to church alone. I had planned on going one day, and before I went, I prayed that someone would come up and talk with me, that I would meet someone who would 'reach out' to me, if you will.

And that morning in church it happened. I sat in the back, and someone came in late, and sat next to me. She struck up a conversation with me, because she thought she'd seen me there before. We exchanged phone numbers (because I told her I didn't know anyone at the church, and she wanted to fix that!).

Fast forward to this week. I never did call her, but finally decided to. I called her Sunday night, and heard back from her yesterday. She is going to try to set up a time for single women from the church to meet and get to know each other. Also, she told me where she and her husband and baby sit, and to try to find her for Sunday morning service. How great is that?!?

Now, the question is, why did I wait so long? I mean, I prayed for this to happen, and it literally happened just as I asked for, within 12-hours. So, why didn't I go along with it? Why didn't I jump at the chance to make a new friend, a new Christian friend?

It seems a bit ridiculous that when a prayer was answered, literally right in my face, that I would ignore it. I really don't get it. Still, I think it all worked out okay. Maybe the message in this is that God will answer our prayers, but we have to be ready to receive them, and I'm just lucky that mine didn't expire.