restless AND content???

Wouldn't you know it? I'm restless.. again. Ahhhhh. It's a weird restless. Because in a way, I'm more content than ever, but in another way... I'm restless!

I'm content in that I feel as though I finally know how I want to live my life. Do you know how that feels? It feels great. I highly recommend to anyone to FIGHT for this. Fight whatever it is inside of you that is holding you back from how you want to live your life. WHATEVER or HOWEVER that is.

The hard part is actually going through with it. Will people still like me after all of this? Because I will be changing A LOT. I have already changed a lot. It's just that I haven't explained it to people. Do I have to? I think so. But maybe not. Ahhh, I don't know...

I am afraid. Afraid to lose friends. Afraid to push people away. But more afraid to NOT change. To NOT become the person I want to be.

I'm also anxious. Anxious to get on with it. Anxious to meet new people that I can talk to about this stuff. Anxious to meet a guy who will think the same way, who will know God as I do. Who will want to live this way. With me. I want to raise my kids (when and if I have any) with someone who sees eye to eye with me on this. Because religion is something that I just can't compromise on with a partner. I will never do that again.

So, if you are reading this, please pray for me. If you don't pray, please send me good wishes. I am trying, really trying. I am reminded of when my brother surrendered to preach. When he finally DID it; well, he has been happier than he has ever been. Although I'm not surrendering to preach, I am SURRENDERING. As a result, I'm happier than I've ever been, too. Finding that joy in your life... isn't that what it's all about?

Compromise

To know me, REALLY know me, highlight below:

I am a Christian. It is not something that I will compromise anymore. It is not something to be hidden, swept under a rug, kept as a shameful secret. I'm tired.

I am tired of looking in the wrong places. Exhausted by the chase of mind-blowingly numb pursuits.

I have been THINKING. Thinking A LOT lately. I have been spending more time alone. Funny thing is, I never FEEL alone any more. I know I'm not, and never will be. Never have been. I've learned to accept what God wants for my life, not to second guess 'why I don't have this, or why I can't have that.' For me, finally. God is enough.

I feel as though I'm having my time in the wilderness. Something that I've done on my own, a place where I must try to get by without wordly desires. Of course, this is a quasi-wilderness, and I'm not under the impression that I have sacrificed anything. Certainly, I haven't been to hell and back, or been tested by God in any grand way.

I think that it is in those small, everyday happenings that God speaks to us. It's clever, it's quiet, it's powerful.

With these happenings well, let's just say, I've heard them loud and clear. The happiest times of my life are when I am in the pursuit of God. Of knowledge, of understanding. Of acceptance and willingness to give. To give of myself, to turn away from myself, to recognize that God is ultimately in control. I am grateful for that.

Being a Christian is an ever-active endeavor. You must be relentless, 'keep your eye on the prize,' vigilant.

A few things I've realized...

*Love is not to be forced. Life is not to be forced. To a certain extent yes. You must put forth effort in everything you do. But not to the detriment of your values, to your relationship with God. Pray without ceasing.

*To not regret what you've done in the past. To that end, you must learn a lesson from it, and do not forget that lesson. Be an apt pupil of your past, your present. Finding the balance between not regretting and yet forgiving youself: it can be hard, and even more tough to keep, but it's worth it. Just keep in mind that He has already forgiven you. And that is all that really matters.

*Look for the good in people. However, be wary of the ways in which they can keep you from your path. People don't purposefully lead you to temptation (usually), but you must be strong in your beliefs, and not be swayed.

wrote a blog about it - like to hear it, here it goes

So, as mentioned in a previous post (I am a writing FIEND lately), I got my hair cut yesterday. What I didn't talk about is how I got there. I usually take the metro to Andre Chreky, but when I got on the metro, every one was told to get off the train. Well, being a small-town girl at heart, and someone who gets kinda antsy about metro problems, I decided to cab to my appointment. I got up to Independence, and hailed a cab. I had to run across the street to get into one. He said, 'a girl in shape, that's nice.' Ha! If he only knew...

Anyway, he told me that he was about to call into a radio talk show when I got in the cab. He was RILED UP about someone who was saying that the draft should be re-instated. Whoever was on the radio said that since he pays taxes, then he should be protected from terrorists, no matter what. My cab driver said 'he needs to go over there, and not force ME to go.' He was MAD!

In the middle of this conversation, we were almost side-swiped by a van. He said, 'all I ask for is this lane, can I have this lane?' Too funny. He said he's Sir Lancelot who complains a lot, but that he was still my knight in shining armour, because he would get me to where I needed to go in time. He was really funny!

He got back to talking about war, and said that he was in Vietnam. That the first time he spoke with a Viet Cong, the guy told him that he was on whoever's side sold him the cheapest weapons, for him to defend himself. This guy didn't care about what type of government his country had. He just wanted to survive. The cab driver went on to say that the current war is a game, just like Vietnam was. How he lost his scholarship after coming back from Vietnam, and that no one cared. How the government didn't support returning soldiers, and how everyone 'spit' on them. That the only reason for war is greed. The.only.reason.

By then, we were next to my destination. He said 'thanks for listening to an old soldier, I'm sure you have better things to do.' I said, 'not really.' I got a God bless you, which is always nice, especially from a total stranger, and not expected (I should give more of those).

As I walked in to Andre Chreky (yes, the slightly over-priced, but worth it salon), I had a tug of regret in my heart. Can't really explain it, except that this man's point of view is something I rarely hear, much less think about. Very humbling experience. I love my DC cab-drivers! (well, most of them).

I walked the 2+ miles home. It's days like yesterday where I am grateful to be living in this great city. You just never know what's going to happen once you step outside your front door.

Because I'm a total dork...

Let me preface this by saying that I am a voracious reader. Put it in front of me, I'll read it. Books, magazines, blogs of total strangers... I'll read it. In fact, I find myself reading people's blogs on MySpace, I have no idea who they are. I just love love love to read. If I could get paid to read... don't even get me started, I would be in heaven.

One of my favorite blogs is A Serious Job Is No Excuse. The writer often critiques the outfits of women she sees on the way to work. I always agree with her, although I have to say, I've been pretty grateful she would never see me walking to work. I often commit one of her major fashion faux pas; wearing flip flops with a work outfit. I pretty much wear them every day, because I walk 1/2 a mile to work. I'm sure this would be no excuse for her, but I will admit I did buy a cute pair of silver Steve Madden flats that I do wear often on my daily trek, because what she says makes sense. You can't look like a serious career woman, wearing Reef's and a suit... (not that I actually wear suits, but you get the idea, even in business casual, flip flops should be avoided).

Anyway, I was at Macy's in the shoe department, because it was the last day of DC's 'no sales tax week' and I figured I might as well check out the sales. Can't beat that bargin. I ended up finding a pair of Nina peep-toe heels which were 65% off the original price, totally cute. They had my size on display, and I asked to see if they had any in the back (a long shot, because of the sale, but it couldn't hurt). As I was waiting, I saw the author of the blog mentioned above. At first I thought, 'no way,' but on a whim I asked her. Yep, it was her. I'm sure I seemed like a total weirdo, but she was nice, said she's never had someone come up to her to tell her they read her blog. I told her I loved it, and read it every day (yep, weirdo!). We talked for a few minutes, and that was it. It was then that I realized... I'm wearing flip flops! Ahh, funny! Now, in my defense, I did run 14 miles yesterday, and my legs were killing me, but really... I probably would have worn them anyway. I comforted myself in the knowledge that at least I had on make-up, and that my hair looked good (just had it cut at Andre Chreky, thanks Adil!). I have to admit, there are times I've gone into Macy's looking like I just rolled out of bed...

So, as much as I am quite the fashionista in my head, in real life... not so much. Such a reality check, seeing her in a totally cute outfit. Mine... well, I was dressed pretty blah. I've been trying to tell myself that I need to dress up more, even on days where the only people who see me are my hairdresser, roommates, and tourists asking for directions. I have so many cute clothes, and seem to be saving them for special occassions. Well, that's just silly. I REALLY am going to try to wear them more often. It's just a shame not to. Of course, wearing 3-4 inch heels every day... now that's a different story!