Two Fridays ago I woke up in a mood. It is a difficult-to-explain-mood, but the only way I could think to describe it was indignant. Who uses that word to describe their mood for the day. I had the specific thought, "I'm going to have an indignant day today." I wasn't even sure if I was using it correctly, but it sure did seem to make sense at the time. And it's not like I have many occassions to use such a word... indignant.
All I could do was pray that God would help me with it, because it was a weird way to feel. And that day turned out to be pretty good, all things considered. But that mood was pervasive; it just wouldn't let up.
It all started to make sense a few days later, when I was greeted with an excruciating migraine. Terrible pain. Incapacitated. But also interesting, because I didn't get too down about it. I didn't cry (too much), and dwell on how awful I felt, how badly my head hurt. I just gave it to God. I told Him that I understand His will, and that it won't last forever. It's odd to type this, but I was peaceful. I had a kind of this-too-shall-pass mentality. (that was a small group prayer request, and I think it was answered!)
Fast forward to the following Thursday. I was headed for the airport, and just couldn't get over the fact that I was still in a weird mood. My roommate drove me to the airport, and it was like I couldn't think of anything to say - and I was annoyed by that.
I arrived at my gate without any real delays, and about the time we were supposed to board, it was announced that there was a mechanical delay, and that it would be 45 minutes until we even had an update. WHAT?!? It really upset me, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I just prayed a quick prayer that everything would turn out okay, and that I would get to Arkansas as scheduled. Then not 10 minutes later, they announced we were boarding. (later, my sister-in-law told me that she had my two little nephews pray that the plane wouldn't be delayed, either).
.:it was simply a few days of taking disappointments, and giving them to God - right away, no delay, no over-analyzing - just simply letting go:.
As I waited to board the plane, I had the thought:
How easily I believe the lie that if I'm not blessed in the way that I want to be, then I'm not blessed at all.
While flying into Chicago, the man next to me asked, "is that Lake Michigan"with amazement in his voice. I said yes, it is. The view of it was spectacular; it seems never-ending. As I was flying out of Chicago, I got a beautiful glimpse of the Chicago skyline with the lake behind it, and started to think about expanses. How I don't see views of things like Lake Michigan every day, and how great would it be to SEE EXPANSES MORE OFTEN. To be reminded of the majesty that God created. I don't go outside of a 5-10 block radius most days.
Oh how I wish I could hold on to moments of clarity such as these! God was showing me how big He is. No, how really BIG He is. He is much bigger than any of my thoughts; real or perceived problems... everything. It's funny how head knowledge turns to heart knowledge, and then how heart knowledge becomes deeper knowledge... and on and on and on.
It was on the INDIGNANT DAY that I read Proverbs 31 (NIV). I just couldn't think of anything to write about it. It was really aggravating me. I read three different versions (KJV, NIV, ESV), and just couldn't figure out what my problem was. It's not like I haven't read it before...
I decided to read Proverbs 31 on the plane, and realized why I had such a hard time with it. I coudn't see myself in the Proverbs 31 woman. Even with the comforting note in my ESV Study Bible about Christian women can be dishearted by this; how it is an ideal, and not possible to meet in every way. My mind rested on verse 25:
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
It was then that I realized that God is making me into that woman. THANK YOU.
Two songs that I listened to over and over that day were Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and Before the Throne of God Above. I was listening to the T4G 2008 music, and crying like a baby! However, one line of lyric from It is Well stuck in my head.
Christ has regarded my helpless estate/and has shed His own blood for my soul
He regards my helpless estate. He knows my helpless estate. He is sovereign over my helpless estate. He died on the cross for my helpless estate. He is amazing.
+++++
Tonight, this verse took on a whole new meaning for me:
I Corinthians 2:9 (NIV)
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"
+++++
I read this on boundless today, and just loved it: Love to Tell.
Excerpt:
"Sometimes, we just don't want to hear about God's love. Sometimes, we don't just want to talk about it. Why do we shy away from this topic?
Perhaps we are afraid of what we'll find: a love that is fuzzy, undiscriminating, and thus meaningless. Or a love that's demanding and impossible to please. Will His pursuit of me will be as conditional, unpredictable and wavering as my love for Him?"
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