*Warning: This starts out as a pity party, but doesn't end that way... trust me!*
Written at 12:45 am
How is it that I am repeatedly treated like a doormat? Taken for granted? It is literally a constant in my life. Almost every one in my life has treated me in this way at some point. 'Oh Mandi won't mind if I take things out on her.' 'Oh surely Mandi will be fine with me (attempting) to take that guy's attention away from her. Why does Mandi need attention from him, she should be paying attention to me!' 'Be a good friend? Nah, not to Mandi. She won't mind.' 'Hey, I know I've dated Mandi for x months, but it will totally be fine if I break up with her OVER THE PHONE!'
I could go on and on, psycho-analying my past, events that happened to me that made it easier just to keep my mouth shut- but really, that won't do any good. I have been praying really hard to have patience with such people mentioned above, but feel as though I've been too patient to begin with. How do I reconcile attempting to have a humble heart, when exhibiting humble behavior got me here in the first place?
My church small group has been reading Humility: True Greatness, by C.J. Mahoney. So far, verses such as the following have been discussed:
Isaiah 66:2 (KJV)
For all those things My hand has made, And all those things exist,” Says the LORD. “But on this one will I look:bOn him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, And who trembles at My word.
II Chronicles 16:9 (KJV)
For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him. In this you have done foolishly; therefore from now on you shall have wars.”
James 4:6 (KJV)
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.”
Proverbs 8:13 (KJV)
The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverse mouth I hate.
Proverbs 16:5 (KJV)
Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Though they join forces, none will go unpunished.
Proverbs 16:18 (KJV)
Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.
I Peter 5:5 (KJV)
Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.”
Mark 9:35 (KJV)
And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, “If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.”
Mark 10:42-45 (KJV)
42 But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 43 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. 44 And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”
Could it really be that I've been 'humble' for all the wrong reasons? Give me a minute, I'm processing this. Walking on eggshells, careful not to disturb.... Have I been doing that for God, or for myself, and can I just chalk it up to 'that's how I am*'? I recall being told by my Grandma about treating others as I would have them treat me. Could it be that I was doing that for my own selfish gain? 'If I treat others well, then they will have to treat me the same.' Well, we all know that most people don't even care to get so close as to actually think what might be good for another. I shouldn't say most, but I'm in a rare (these days) pessimistic mood right now.
As with all things in life, if we do it for ourselves, not for God (as in putting ourselves above God), things will just not turn out right. Man, I feel like I've taken a beating lately. Oh well, I did ask God to help me 'dig out**' those unnoticable sins... I really shouldn't complain about answered prayers. It's all in your motivation, folks. M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N.
Wow, I feel better now! No more tears about this... this is another step taken.
What is your motivation for every aspect of your life? Really, try to sit and write it all down.
Is your motivation to glorify God? Glorify yourself? Or glorify someone else (even the idea of someone else)? Do you glorify an ideal? A philosophy? Hatha yoga? Who/What/Where/When/Why/How are you glorifying, through your actions, thoughts, deeds?
Dear Lord, I thank you for your kindness, grace and mercy. I thank you that when I ask, honestly want to know the truth about myself, you faithfully show me- warts and all. I am grateful for this, because it allows me to attempt to replace the bad stuff with good. I am grateful that when I ask, I do receive, even if it isn't all that easy to hear. And I want to be ever diligent to use the knowledge you have given me to Your HONOR and GLORY. Not mine or any other man. No one else's but Yours. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
*'I can't help who I am' doesn't cut it with God. Who you can be, through Him... now that's more like it.
**http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2008/02/im-diggin-it.html
**http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2008/01/now-you-have-wonderful-day-maam.html
Finished at 2:00 am.
GOOD READS FOR TODAY:
Regeneration, Faith, Love; In That Order
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2008/2647_Regeneration_Faith_Love_In_That_Order/
Proverbs 22:1
http://theberean.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Home.showBerean/BereanID/928/Proverbs-22-1
Jehovah-Hayah; The Self-Sufficient Lord
http://thelife.com/blogs/experience/devotionalforwomen/2008/03/11/jehovah-hayah-the-self-sufficient-lord/#comments
How to Pray with God's Power
http://www.christianity.com/Home/Christian%20Living%20Features/1335889/
A Strong Man's Weakness
http://www.christianity.com/Home/Christian%20Living%20Features/11555320/
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