Interestingly (is that a word?) I've had conversations with two people about how they have been 'played' recently. Both instances are eerily similar, even though the situations are pretty different.
(names have been changed to protect their identity, from the 3 people who read my blog!)
Ex. 1: Ruby was told by a friend (hereafter referred to as Typical) she liked that he liked her. It was awkward for awhile, but then they finally talked about it, even went on a couple of dates. Then all of sudden, out of nowhere, Typical seemingly changed his mind. Did he tell her that he had changed his mind? Nope, he just decided to break a date, then be awkward all over again.
Now here is the question. Why couldn't Typical just tell her, 'hey, I've changed my mind, let's just be friends.' He has seriously made her lose her belief that any man is worth being with.
(now there is where I attempt to dive into his mind..)
Maybe Typical doesn't know what he wants from/with her or anybody. Maybe he doesn't care. Quite possibly he just enjoyed the attention. After all she's funny, successful, and smart. Well, maybe he was just intimidated.. could possibly be that. Ruby has an amazing job, which would be seen as 'above' his job (even though I promise you, she doesn't care about that).
Ugh, on to...
Ex. 2: Lori was hanging out with friends, and there was a new person (hereafter referred to as NKOTB) to the group. Mutual friends told her that NKOTB liked her. Lori wants to give NKOTB a chance, but is tired of having to pursue. She wants to be pursued. NKOTB acted interested around Lori, flirty text messages were flying everywhere. But NKOTB kinda seemed interested in Lori's friend at the same time. Lori, being the kind of person that everyone likes (seriously, she is hilarious and kind), isn't too worried about it, but is ANNOYED! Why does this keep happening!?!
(here we go again..)
Maybe NKOTB just doesn't know why in the world to like ANYBODY. 'Hey, that person is nice, think I'll like her for a minute, but then LOOK, that other person is nice, too! Think I'll like both of them, and just play this game, see who comes to me first.' Cleverly placed (yeah right) MySpace comments ensue. Lori's friend doesn't like these games, either, so NKOTB seems to be out of luck in this situation.
So, here is my segway into 'Kissing Dating Goodbye.' Did you like it? Very clever, I know...
I read the book 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye,' by Joshua Harris a few weeks ago. I had found it on my church's website (or was possibly led to another website, not sure), it had suggestions for books by different categories. The 'Single' category only had 2 books. 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' and 'Boy Meets Girl,' both by Joshua Harris. At first I was skeptical, I've never been much of a dater, so in a sense, I've never kissed dating HELLO. But I went ahead and ordered it from Amazon.
Oh how I loved this book. Some of my friends (church friends at that) asked me why in the world I would read it. It's for high school kids! Well, I'll tell ya right now, it most certainly is not! Now there are the 'let your parents be part of this relationship' and 'the guy has to ask the dad of the girl he wants to court's permission,' parts; which yes, seem old fashioned - and also not very practical once you leave your hometown. But my question is; why not have your parents involved? As people who most likely know you best in this world (even if you think they don't, believe me, they are paying attention), would it be so wrong to utilyze them in a situation such as 'dating, or courting?' If you don't trust your parents to fulfill this role, a strong Christian couple would work, too. (I want to make clear that the book wants to change the definition of dating, as in not using the 'worldly' usage of dating, so he just changed the name to 'courtship.' I guess you could call it what you like, my church calls it 'Biblical dating').
Anyway, I feel as though I'm getting off track, and I apologize. Harris' best points (at least for me) were that the problem with the world's view of dating are that expectations aren't discussed or even realized. Using my examples from above, both of my friends want to get married and have children. However, in today's worldly definition of dating, that is never to be brought up! That would be the absolute first thing to drive someone away (in most cases, not all). So, two people can go on dating for months or even years and never know the other's expectations. I hesitate to use the term 'wasted time,' because I think you can learn from just about any situation. But wouldn't it be better if a girl who wants to get married and have kids would be able to know that - from the start - the guy felt the same way? It would save a lot of heartache, that's for sure!
And then we get to why people want to date in the first place. Let's say you hear that someone likes you. How does that make you feel? For me, I get extremely uncomfortable, mainly because these guys don't know me at all. Now how can someone like me, if they don't really know me. And I know what some of you will say, 'that's what dating is for!' But if I were to go with the world's definition of dating, then the following would occur:
-I would go on a first date, where we would talk about our likes and dislikes, about our pasts, our families, our friends our jobs, whatever.
-If we got long, more dates would ensue, and emotional intimacy would be felt, even assumed by both parties.
-Let's not even get into physical intimacy, I think we all know how that can occur!
-Either a break up would occur, leaving me broken-hearted, jaded, or whatever. Or I would marry the guy, in which case another question comes up...
WHY DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE???
I hate to admit that I go through periods of feeling sorry for myself. Why oh why haven't I met the man of my dreams? Why oh why must I sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else have these 'great' relationships, get married, have kids... why why why why why?
I was having one of those episodes a few weeks ago (before I read the book), and then I stopped myself. I asked myself, 'what is your motivation for wanting to get married, Mandi?' Is it because I'm lonely (which I shouldn't be, God is always with me)? Am I jealous of my friends (oops, there I go again, coveting)? Or am I wanting to get married so that my life and marriage can glorify God?
Well duh! Hadn't I just redevoted my life to God? Haven't I asked Him how I can glorify Him, through word or deed? Then, when it comes to the biggest decisions of my life (and yes, I believe that marriage is for life), shouldn't God be the first place I look? That whenever I get married, that relationship should glorify God even more than I could ever do on my own???
Duh duh duh.
So here goes another step on my journey. I will no longer be dating. Not in the sense that everybody means it. I will be serving the Lord. And when He sees fit, He will bring a man into my life who will see that I love God above all. If that man feels moved to, he will pursue me. And, if God wills it, that man will want to marry me. And I will want to marry Him. All for the glory of God. Not so we won't be lonely. Not because we feel it's time to settle down. Not so we can have kids. Just for HIM.
By using the Bible to live every aspect of my life, even with dating/courting/whatever-name-you-want-to-give-it, God will bless me more than if I think I could while attempting this alone. That's the great thing about having God in your life. You never have to do anything alone again. Even if you are 'single.'
Dear Lord - I cast all my cares on you. Especially the biggest one; how is it that I can best glorify YOU. I will attempt to have a servant's heart at all times. I submit to your Supremacy in my life. I pray for your help with my purity. I pray for my single brother's and sister's who are struggling. I pray that Your will be done. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well spring of life.
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)
14For this reason I kneel before the Father,
15from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.
16I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,
17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,
18may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,
19and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,
21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21 (NIV)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Holding On To 'Today'
I am a night owl. Big time. It seems to 'run' in my family. Going to bed before 11 pm is AMAZING to me.
But lately I had the fault (typo, but I'm keeping it... hmmm), I mean thought. Am I hanging on to the day too long? Is the reason that I can be sooo tired, and still stay up until 1 or 2 or 3 am, because I can't shake off the day?
"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad." (or better, This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24 NIV) ). The former version of the Psalm I remember singing in church as a child. More like it, I remember the older teenagers singing it, and always wishing I could be up there singing with them.
So yes, praise God for every day. Praise Him, Praise Him, Praise Him (there's another song, "praise Him praise Him all ye little children, God is love, God is love..."). God created the sun and the moon, day and night (Genesis 1:3). But what about holding on to the day for far too long? Almost to the point where you are attempting to put off the next day? Can this behavior be much like holding on to the past? And not trusting God with the future? (I know, this is getting nit-picky, but bear with me).
Why am I holding on to something that has already passed? Why am I holding on to the day, when it is already over? I should be rejoicing in the fact that the earlier I fall asleep, the 'sooner' a new day begins! Because a new day is a gift from God, and should be treated as such.
Why? Because I'm a fallen being in a fallen world. Because I am Israel, I keep yearning for Egypt; even when God blesses me with so much. I have fear for the future, and trouble trusting God that He will lead me to the land of milk and honey.
Well, this is all a process, right? One big thing my prayer life and new church has given me is a different perspective. And simple thinking/thoughts can lead to trouble, if your eyes aren't focused on Him.
Be intentional with your life, your thoughts. Not paying attention and losing your way can be the easiest thing in the world to do. In fact, it's just what the world wants you to do. Anything that can make you put yourself or others in front of God... that makes the world smile. And who would you rather make happy? The world, or God?
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
Today's Devotional, Ecclesiastes 3:6
http://theberean.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Home.showBerean/BereanID/3573/Ecclesiastes-3-6
But lately I had the fault (typo, but I'm keeping it... hmmm), I mean thought. Am I hanging on to the day too long? Is the reason that I can be sooo tired, and still stay up until 1 or 2 or 3 am, because I can't shake off the day?
"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad." (or better, This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24 NIV) ). The former version of the Psalm I remember singing in church as a child. More like it, I remember the older teenagers singing it, and always wishing I could be up there singing with them.
So yes, praise God for every day. Praise Him, Praise Him, Praise Him (there's another song, "praise Him praise Him all ye little children, God is love, God is love..."). God created the sun and the moon, day and night (Genesis 1:3). But what about holding on to the day for far too long? Almost to the point where you are attempting to put off the next day? Can this behavior be much like holding on to the past? And not trusting God with the future? (I know, this is getting nit-picky, but bear with me).
Why am I holding on to something that has already passed? Why am I holding on to the day, when it is already over? I should be rejoicing in the fact that the earlier I fall asleep, the 'sooner' a new day begins! Because a new day is a gift from God, and should be treated as such.
Why? Because I'm a fallen being in a fallen world. Because I am Israel, I keep yearning for Egypt; even when God blesses me with so much. I have fear for the future, and trouble trusting God that He will lead me to the land of milk and honey.
Well, this is all a process, right? One big thing my prayer life and new church has given me is a different perspective. And simple thinking/thoughts can lead to trouble, if your eyes aren't focused on Him.
Be intentional with your life, your thoughts. Not paying attention and losing your way can be the easiest thing in the world to do. In fact, it's just what the world wants you to do. Anything that can make you put yourself or others in front of God... that makes the world smile. And who would you rather make happy? The world, or God?
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. [a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
Today's Devotional, Ecclesiastes 3:6
http://theberean.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Home.showBerean/BereanID/3573/Ecclesiastes-3-6
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
"A Woman's Question"
I’m copying this out of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." The author (Joshua Harris) asks: Man Enough to Answer?
"A Woman’s Question"
by Lena Lathrop
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life-
And a woman’s wonderful love
Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.
You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.
You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts-
I look for a man and a king.
A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."
I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ’mid the falling leaves,
As you did ’mong the blossoms of May?
Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.
I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.
Song of Solomon 8:4 (NIV)
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
Go listen to Brooke Fraser's "Love is Waiting."
"Love Is Waiting"
In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wana walk it well
[CHORUS]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting
It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, im singing for the strangers about you
dont keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you canthe bets are getting surer now that you're my man
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]
I could right a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart
"A Woman’s Question"
by Lena Lathrop
Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life-
And a woman’s wonderful love
Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.
You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.
You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.
You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts-
I look for a man and a king.
A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."
I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ’mid the falling leaves,
As you did ’mong the blossoms of May?
Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.
I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay;
But a woman’s heart and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.
Song of Solomon 8:4 (NIV)
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
Go listen to Brooke Fraser's "Love is Waiting."
"Love Is Waiting"
In the autumn on the ground, between the traffic and the traffic and the ordinary sounds
I am thinking signs and seasons while a north wind blows through
I watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love
Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wana walk it well
[CHORUS]
I'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting
It's my caution not the cold
there's no other hand that i would rather hold
the climate changes, im singing for the strangers about you
dont keep time, slow the pace
Honey hold on if you canthe bets are getting surer now that you're my man
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]
I could right a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again
and like I can't force the sun to rise or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Things I will tell my children...
* Daughter: If a man loves you, really loves and cares for you, then he will not ask you to disrespect yourself. So, if some guy swears he loves you, but is pressuring you to get physical, he is loving himself first. Don't fall for the 'but I'm in love' trap. It will snare you every time. The next thing you know, you are excusing behaviors that you know are wrong.
Now, go read 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye.' (that book just might be a sweet 16 present... or maybe earlier, who knows!?!).
Son: Don't mistake lust for love. Treat all women with respect. Don't let your desires take over to where taking someone for granted isn't a big deal. Treat every woman as your sister, until you are ready to be in a committed (i.e. close to marriage, one that will honor and glorify God) relationship. (I'm hoping that the future hubby will have more to add here).
Yeah, you go read 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye,' too. Borrow it from your sister. (or she can borrow it from you, whoever is born first, gets it first).
* If you feel as though you are doing something wrong, maybe even living your life wrong... PRAY ABOUT IT! Faithfully pray to God, and He will give you the answer. You just have to be prepared to hear what He is saying. You may even have to change your life. Go for it, it will be worth it.
* Read the Bible the WHOLE WAY THROUGH. Do it more than once. You will learn more from God each time you read it. Think of it as an instruction manual for life. Be aware that Israel is you. When you complain about gifts from God (manna), when you would prefer to go back to sin (Egyptian slavery)... keep reading, many more will jump out at you.
* Take TV and movies for what they are worth. As in entertainment only. It helps to think of how characters are doing things wrong with their lives, seeing how they put themselves first in everything... and the failures that can come of it. Realize that it's fiction, and in no way reflects real life, even when it seems like it does.
* Be aware of the lessons God is teaching you. When you put yourself above God, things will not turn out right. Yes, that means that YOU or ANYTHING ELSE can become a false god. Emotions, careers, family, friends, relationships, hobbies, lifestyles, idea of something...anything. An idol isn't just a graven image. It is anything that takes your focus away from God.
* It really is best to 'turn the other cheek.' This can be difficult, but just realize that the feelings that come from retribution are just as fleeting as any other emotion. Just know that loving someone, even if they aren't good to you, is GOOD for that person. And Jesus told us to love one another. It's always good to listen to Him! (John 13:34, and others)
One caveat: you don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you unwell. I'm not saying 'put it with it' in that regard. Just be kind to those who aren't kind to you. It very may well be the only real love they ever experience (but hope that it's not!).
* When you go off on your own, be it for college or anything else; be sure to find a great church as soon as possible. You really do need it, and it's not being disloyal to your home church. Not getting involved with a local church makes being caught up in worldly things much easier. And that is not good, my child. It can only lead to darkness, not light. You do not want to be in the former.
* Learn how to witness early on. Don't be shy about it. Read everything that you can. Be discipled by other, more mature believers. (hopefully by then, I will be better at that, then I can help you).
* Never feel as though you are alone. You aren't. God is with you, always. He is the only One who can actually always be with you, know you fully (even better than yourself), and only wants what's good for you.
* Your parents love you very much, and only want what's best for you, too. Think of that before you rebel. If you have some unresolved issues lurking around in your mind, talk with your parents about them. We love you, nothing will change that.
I know you will want to experience many things on your own... but just know that you really CAN learn from other people’s mistakes. Trust me! ;)
Now, go read 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye.' (that book just might be a sweet 16 present... or maybe earlier, who knows!?!).
Son: Don't mistake lust for love. Treat all women with respect. Don't let your desires take over to where taking someone for granted isn't a big deal. Treat every woman as your sister, until you are ready to be in a committed (i.e. close to marriage, one that will honor and glorify God) relationship. (I'm hoping that the future hubby will have more to add here).
Yeah, you go read 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye,' too. Borrow it from your sister. (or she can borrow it from you, whoever is born first, gets it first).
* If you feel as though you are doing something wrong, maybe even living your life wrong... PRAY ABOUT IT! Faithfully pray to God, and He will give you the answer. You just have to be prepared to hear what He is saying. You may even have to change your life. Go for it, it will be worth it.
* Read the Bible the WHOLE WAY THROUGH. Do it more than once. You will learn more from God each time you read it. Think of it as an instruction manual for life. Be aware that Israel is you. When you complain about gifts from God (manna), when you would prefer to go back to sin (Egyptian slavery)... keep reading, many more will jump out at you.
* Take TV and movies for what they are worth. As in entertainment only. It helps to think of how characters are doing things wrong with their lives, seeing how they put themselves first in everything... and the failures that can come of it. Realize that it's fiction, and in no way reflects real life, even when it seems like it does.
* Be aware of the lessons God is teaching you. When you put yourself above God, things will not turn out right. Yes, that means that YOU or ANYTHING ELSE can become a false god. Emotions, careers, family, friends, relationships, hobbies, lifestyles, idea of something...anything. An idol isn't just a graven image. It is anything that takes your focus away from God.
* It really is best to 'turn the other cheek.' This can be difficult, but just realize that the feelings that come from retribution are just as fleeting as any other emotion. Just know that loving someone, even if they aren't good to you, is GOOD for that person. And Jesus told us to love one another. It's always good to listen to Him! (John 13:34, and others)
One caveat: you don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you unwell. I'm not saying 'put it with it' in that regard. Just be kind to those who aren't kind to you. It very may well be the only real love they ever experience (but hope that it's not!).
* When you go off on your own, be it for college or anything else; be sure to find a great church as soon as possible. You really do need it, and it's not being disloyal to your home church. Not getting involved with a local church makes being caught up in worldly things much easier. And that is not good, my child. It can only lead to darkness, not light. You do not want to be in the former.
* Learn how to witness early on. Don't be shy about it. Read everything that you can. Be discipled by other, more mature believers. (hopefully by then, I will be better at that, then I can help you).
* Never feel as though you are alone. You aren't. God is with you, always. He is the only One who can actually always be with you, know you fully (even better than yourself), and only wants what's good for you.
* Your parents love you very much, and only want what's best for you, too. Think of that before you rebel. If you have some unresolved issues lurking around in your mind, talk with your parents about them. We love you, nothing will change that.
I know you will want to experience many things on your own... but just know that you really CAN learn from other people’s mistakes. Trust me! ;)
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Humble Pie and a Lightbulb Moment
*Warning: This starts out as a pity party, but doesn't end that way... trust me!*
Written at 12:45 am
How is it that I am repeatedly treated like a doormat? Taken for granted? It is literally a constant in my life. Almost every one in my life has treated me in this way at some point. 'Oh Mandi won't mind if I take things out on her.' 'Oh surely Mandi will be fine with me (attempting) to take that guy's attention away from her. Why does Mandi need attention from him, she should be paying attention to me!' 'Be a good friend? Nah, not to Mandi. She won't mind.' 'Hey, I know I've dated Mandi for x months, but it will totally be fine if I break up with her OVER THE PHONE!'
I could go on and on, psycho-analying my past, events that happened to me that made it easier just to keep my mouth shut- but really, that won't do any good. I have been praying really hard to have patience with such people mentioned above, but feel as though I've been too patient to begin with. How do I reconcile attempting to have a humble heart, when exhibiting humble behavior got me here in the first place?
My church small group has been reading Humility: True Greatness, by C.J. Mahoney. So far, verses such as the following have been discussed:
Isaiah 66:2 (KJV)
For all those things My hand has made, And all those things exist,” Says the LORD. “But on this one will I look:bOn him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, And who trembles at My word.
II Chronicles 16:9 (KJV)
For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him. In this you have done foolishly; therefore from now on you shall have wars.”
James 4:6 (KJV)
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.”
Proverbs 8:13 (KJV)
The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverse mouth I hate.
Proverbs 16:5 (KJV)
Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Though they join forces, none will go unpunished.
Proverbs 16:18 (KJV)
Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.
I Peter 5:5 (KJV)
Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.”
Mark 9:35 (KJV)
And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, “If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.”
Mark 10:42-45 (KJV)
42 But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 43 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. 44 And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”
Could it really be that I've been 'humble' for all the wrong reasons? Give me a minute, I'm processing this. Walking on eggshells, careful not to disturb.... Have I been doing that for God, or for myself, and can I just chalk it up to 'that's how I am*'? I recall being told by my Grandma about treating others as I would have them treat me. Could it be that I was doing that for my own selfish gain? 'If I treat others well, then they will have to treat me the same.' Well, we all know that most people don't even care to get so close as to actually think what might be good for another. I shouldn't say most, but I'm in a rare (these days) pessimistic mood right now.
As with all things in life, if we do it for ourselves, not for God (as in putting ourselves above God), things will just not turn out right. Man, I feel like I've taken a beating lately. Oh well, I did ask God to help me 'dig out**' those unnoticable sins... I really shouldn't complain about answered prayers. It's all in your motivation, folks. M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N.
Wow, I feel better now! No more tears about this... this is another step taken.
What is your motivation for every aspect of your life? Really, try to sit and write it all down.
Is your motivation to glorify God? Glorify yourself? Or glorify someone else (even the idea of someone else)? Do you glorify an ideal? A philosophy? Hatha yoga? Who/What/Where/When/Why/How are you glorifying, through your actions, thoughts, deeds?
Dear Lord, I thank you for your kindness, grace and mercy. I thank you that when I ask, honestly want to know the truth about myself, you faithfully show me- warts and all. I am grateful for this, because it allows me to attempt to replace the bad stuff with good. I am grateful that when I ask, I do receive, even if it isn't all that easy to hear. And I want to be ever diligent to use the knowledge you have given me to Your HONOR and GLORY. Not mine or any other man. No one else's but Yours. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
*'I can't help who I am' doesn't cut it with God. Who you can be, through Him... now that's more like it.
**http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2008/02/im-diggin-it.html
**http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2008/01/now-you-have-wonderful-day-maam.html
Finished at 2:00 am.
GOOD READS FOR TODAY:
Regeneration, Faith, Love; In That Order
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2008/2647_Regeneration_Faith_Love_In_That_Order/
Proverbs 22:1
http://theberean.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Home.showBerean/BereanID/928/Proverbs-22-1
Jehovah-Hayah; The Self-Sufficient Lord
http://thelife.com/blogs/experience/devotionalforwomen/2008/03/11/jehovah-hayah-the-self-sufficient-lord/#comments
How to Pray with God's Power
http://www.christianity.com/Home/Christian%20Living%20Features/1335889/
A Strong Man's Weakness
http://www.christianity.com/Home/Christian%20Living%20Features/11555320/
Written at 12:45 am
How is it that I am repeatedly treated like a doormat? Taken for granted? It is literally a constant in my life. Almost every one in my life has treated me in this way at some point. 'Oh Mandi won't mind if I take things out on her.' 'Oh surely Mandi will be fine with me (attempting) to take that guy's attention away from her. Why does Mandi need attention from him, she should be paying attention to me!' 'Be a good friend? Nah, not to Mandi. She won't mind.' 'Hey, I know I've dated Mandi for x months, but it will totally be fine if I break up with her OVER THE PHONE!'
I could go on and on, psycho-analying my past, events that happened to me that made it easier just to keep my mouth shut- but really, that won't do any good. I have been praying really hard to have patience with such people mentioned above, but feel as though I've been too patient to begin with. How do I reconcile attempting to have a humble heart, when exhibiting humble behavior got me here in the first place?
My church small group has been reading Humility: True Greatness, by C.J. Mahoney. So far, verses such as the following have been discussed:
Isaiah 66:2 (KJV)
For all those things My hand has made, And all those things exist,” Says the LORD. “But on this one will I look:bOn him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, And who trembles at My word.
II Chronicles 16:9 (KJV)
For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him. In this you have done foolishly; therefore from now on you shall have wars.”
James 4:6 (KJV)
But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.”
Proverbs 8:13 (KJV)
The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverse mouth I hate.
Proverbs 16:5 (KJV)
Everyone proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD; Though they join forces, none will go unpunished.
Proverbs 16:18 (KJV)
Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.
I Peter 5:5 (KJV)
Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for “God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.”
Mark 9:35 (KJV)
And He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, “If anyone desires to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.”
Mark 10:42-45 (KJV)
42 But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 43 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. 44 And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”
Could it really be that I've been 'humble' for all the wrong reasons? Give me a minute, I'm processing this. Walking on eggshells, careful not to disturb.... Have I been doing that for God, or for myself, and can I just chalk it up to 'that's how I am*'? I recall being told by my Grandma about treating others as I would have them treat me. Could it be that I was doing that for my own selfish gain? 'If I treat others well, then they will have to treat me the same.' Well, we all know that most people don't even care to get so close as to actually think what might be good for another. I shouldn't say most, but I'm in a rare (these days) pessimistic mood right now.
As with all things in life, if we do it for ourselves, not for God (as in putting ourselves above God), things will just not turn out right. Man, I feel like I've taken a beating lately. Oh well, I did ask God to help me 'dig out**' those unnoticable sins... I really shouldn't complain about answered prayers. It's all in your motivation, folks. M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N.
Wow, I feel better now! No more tears about this... this is another step taken.
What is your motivation for every aspect of your life? Really, try to sit and write it all down.
Is your motivation to glorify God? Glorify yourself? Or glorify someone else (even the idea of someone else)? Do you glorify an ideal? A philosophy? Hatha yoga? Who/What/Where/When/Why/How are you glorifying, through your actions, thoughts, deeds?
Dear Lord, I thank you for your kindness, grace and mercy. I thank you that when I ask, honestly want to know the truth about myself, you faithfully show me- warts and all. I am grateful for this, because it allows me to attempt to replace the bad stuff with good. I am grateful that when I ask, I do receive, even if it isn't all that easy to hear. And I want to be ever diligent to use the knowledge you have given me to Your HONOR and GLORY. Not mine or any other man. No one else's but Yours. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
*'I can't help who I am' doesn't cut it with God. Who you can be, through Him... now that's more like it.
**http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2008/02/im-diggin-it.html
**http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2008/01/now-you-have-wonderful-day-maam.html
Finished at 2:00 am.
GOOD READS FOR TODAY:
Regeneration, Faith, Love; In That Order
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2008/2647_Regeneration_Faith_Love_In_That_Order/
Proverbs 22:1
http://theberean.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Home.showBerean/BereanID/928/Proverbs-22-1
Jehovah-Hayah; The Self-Sufficient Lord
http://thelife.com/blogs/experience/devotionalforwomen/2008/03/11/jehovah-hayah-the-self-sufficient-lord/#comments
How to Pray with God's Power
http://www.christianity.com/Home/Christian%20Living%20Features/1335889/
A Strong Man's Weakness
http://www.christianity.com/Home/Christian%20Living%20Features/11555320/
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Follow up to "dare to be great" post
Okay, so in that blog, I alluded to something I felt that God was leading me to do. This was to enter the missionary field, particularly going overseas. I didn't know why, but it was on my mind constantly. So, my church had a missions meeting a few weeks ago, which was great. And I think I now know why I had missions work on my mind.
The meeting we had was an introduction to missions work, and in the specific areas my church is focusing on. It was an 'introduction to missions' for me. I have never sat through a meeting like that before. My church will, in the next 1-2 years, put together small groups to go overseas. The leader of the meeting said that you don't have to be absolutely sure about doing it, and that he will be having monthly meetings starting soon.
So, about a week after that meeting, I've figured out why missions work was in my mind. It prompted me to go to this meeting at my church. Which led to me learning about missions work, the different types (as far as short-medium-long term), and some obstacles that can stand in the way (my student loan debt being a BIG ONE - the organization my church goes through is reluctant to send people overseas who have debt, which is completely understandable-this is thinking in terms of the person and their ability to pay the debt).
In short, I feel as though going to these meetings will lead to something for me. Maybe going overseas, maybe just assisting with the mission workers that my church sends out, but ultimately, it will help me learn how to share the GOSPEL better. Which I think is why I thought of missions work in the first place. I'm in that EXCITED stage (which I hope to never lose), where I want everyone to feel the way I do, for everyone to know HIM... but I'm lacking in the area of sharing it. I feel as though my participation in these meetings, along with my attendance in my church's core seminar 'Apologetics and World Views' will lead me to where I want to be. Not exactly a physical location, but a spiritual one, where I can share the Good Word with confidence.
How's that for 'the Lord works in mysterious ways?' Pretty cool, huh? :)
Two other things I thought of were these: first, that I thought of doing mission work in the grandest way possible, because I felt guilty for going so long doing 'not so much,' that I wanted to do 'whoa, a lot.' I've found that when dealing with most things, baby steps are the best approach for me. Secondly, it would be great to go overseas, but that mission work can (and needs) to be done in my own back yard. So going to Africa, Asia or Europe may or may not be where God wants me to go. Only time will tell. So, I'll just keep on praying, and walking where He leads me.
Psalm 9 (King James Version)
10And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.
11Sing praises to the LORD, which dwelleth in Zion: declare among the people his doings.
The meeting we had was an introduction to missions work, and in the specific areas my church is focusing on. It was an 'introduction to missions' for me. I have never sat through a meeting like that before. My church will, in the next 1-2 years, put together small groups to go overseas. The leader of the meeting said that you don't have to be absolutely sure about doing it, and that he will be having monthly meetings starting soon.
So, about a week after that meeting, I've figured out why missions work was in my mind. It prompted me to go to this meeting at my church. Which led to me learning about missions work, the different types (as far as short-medium-long term), and some obstacles that can stand in the way (my student loan debt being a BIG ONE - the organization my church goes through is reluctant to send people overseas who have debt, which is completely understandable-this is thinking in terms of the person and their ability to pay the debt).
In short, I feel as though going to these meetings will lead to something for me. Maybe going overseas, maybe just assisting with the mission workers that my church sends out, but ultimately, it will help me learn how to share the GOSPEL better. Which I think is why I thought of missions work in the first place. I'm in that EXCITED stage (which I hope to never lose), where I want everyone to feel the way I do, for everyone to know HIM... but I'm lacking in the area of sharing it. I feel as though my participation in these meetings, along with my attendance in my church's core seminar 'Apologetics and World Views' will lead me to where I want to be. Not exactly a physical location, but a spiritual one, where I can share the Good Word with confidence.
How's that for 'the Lord works in mysterious ways?' Pretty cool, huh? :)
Two other things I thought of were these: first, that I thought of doing mission work in the grandest way possible, because I felt guilty for going so long doing 'not so much,' that I wanted to do 'whoa, a lot.' I've found that when dealing with most things, baby steps are the best approach for me. Secondly, it would be great to go overseas, but that mission work can (and needs) to be done in my own back yard. So going to Africa, Asia or Europe may or may not be where God wants me to go. Only time will tell. So, I'll just keep on praying, and walking where He leads me.
Psalm 9 (King James Version)
10And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.
11Sing praises to the LORD, which dwelleth in Zion: declare among the people his doings.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Are you a backslider?
I was a backslider. Definitely. I wouldn't say it was one big event, but it was a gradual slope, turned into a roller coaster ride (and I don't like roller coasters, so I can't say it was that much fun). Below is from a daily devotional that I read... well, daily. Written by C.H. Spurgeon.
"Renew a steadfast spirit within me." - Psalm 51:10
"A backslider, if there is a spark of life left in him, will groan after restoration. In this renewal the same exercise of grace is required as at our conversion. We needed repentance then; we certainly need it now. We wanted faith that we might come to Christ at first; only the same grace can bring us to Jesus now. We wanted a word from the Most High, a word from the lip of the loving One, to end our fears then; we shall soon discover, when under a sense of present sin, that we need it now. No one can be renewed without a manifestation of the Holy Spirit's energy that is as real and true as at the first renewal because the work is as great, and flesh and blood are just as present now as they ever were. Let your personal weakness, O Christian, be an argument to make you pray earnestly to your God for help. Remember, David didn't fold his arms or close his lips when he felt himself to be powerless; instead, he hastened to the mercy seat with "renew a steadfast spirit within me." Don't let the doctrine that you can do nothing unaided make you sleep; but let it be a goad in your side to drive you with great earnestness to Israel's strong Helper. O that you may have grace to plead with God, as though you pleaded for your very life - "Lord, renew a steadfast spirit within me." Those who sincerely pray to God to do this, will prove their honesty by using the means through which God works. Pray often; live upon the Word of God often; kill lusts which have driven your Lord from you; be careful to watch over future uprisings of sin. The Lord has His own appointed ways; sit by the wayside and you will be ready when He passes by. Continue in all those blessed ordinances which will foster and nourish your dying graces; and, knowing that all the power must proceed from Him, never stop saying, "Renew a steadfast spirit within me."
Morning and Evening, Charles H. Spurgeon, Hendrickson Publishers.
I will say that I read this AFTER I had decided to 'renew my spirit.' I did a lot of what Spurgeon listed towards the end of the devotional. Most importantly I prayed. I prayed, for change in myself. I prayed to God that I could finally see where I had gone wrong. Things that were both in and out of my control definitely took my focus away. I prayed to God to help me with this. To be close to Him again. To go back to how I used to be. I prayed for help to give everything up to Him. I prayed for Christian friends. I prayed for a place to fellowship.
And you know what? It's all coming true. It's unfolding slowly. Except this time it's hasn't been a roller coaster ride (although you never know...).
It has been beautiful.
Psalm 51 (King James Version)
1Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
4Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
5Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
16For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
"Renew a steadfast spirit within me." - Psalm 51:10
"A backslider, if there is a spark of life left in him, will groan after restoration. In this renewal the same exercise of grace is required as at our conversion. We needed repentance then; we certainly need it now. We wanted faith that we might come to Christ at first; only the same grace can bring us to Jesus now. We wanted a word from the Most High, a word from the lip of the loving One, to end our fears then; we shall soon discover, when under a sense of present sin, that we need it now. No one can be renewed without a manifestation of the Holy Spirit's energy that is as real and true as at the first renewal because the work is as great, and flesh and blood are just as present now as they ever were. Let your personal weakness, O Christian, be an argument to make you pray earnestly to your God for help. Remember, David didn't fold his arms or close his lips when he felt himself to be powerless; instead, he hastened to the mercy seat with "renew a steadfast spirit within me." Don't let the doctrine that you can do nothing unaided make you sleep; but let it be a goad in your side to drive you with great earnestness to Israel's strong Helper. O that you may have grace to plead with God, as though you pleaded for your very life - "Lord, renew a steadfast spirit within me." Those who sincerely pray to God to do this, will prove their honesty by using the means through which God works. Pray often; live upon the Word of God often; kill lusts which have driven your Lord from you; be careful to watch over future uprisings of sin. The Lord has His own appointed ways; sit by the wayside and you will be ready when He passes by. Continue in all those blessed ordinances which will foster and nourish your dying graces; and, knowing that all the power must proceed from Him, never stop saying, "Renew a steadfast spirit within me."
Morning and Evening, Charles H. Spurgeon, Hendrickson Publishers.
I will say that I read this AFTER I had decided to 'renew my spirit.' I did a lot of what Spurgeon listed towards the end of the devotional. Most importantly I prayed. I prayed, for change in myself. I prayed to God that I could finally see where I had gone wrong. Things that were both in and out of my control definitely took my focus away. I prayed to God to help me with this. To be close to Him again. To go back to how I used to be. I prayed for help to give everything up to Him. I prayed for Christian friends. I prayed for a place to fellowship.
And you know what? It's all coming true. It's unfolding slowly. Except this time it's hasn't been a roller coaster ride (although you never know...).
It has been beautiful.
Psalm 51 (King James Version)
1Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
4Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
5Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
16For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
19Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
Friday, February 22, 2008
"I am looking for a dare to be great situation"
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
My new favorite song... for now...
Ahhh, I can't find any good video of this song, so I will just have to copy off of another blogger... who likes to post lyrics to songs. Just wish y'all could hear it!
"Faithful"
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for
[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
Check out an okay video here,(it just misses the first verse):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vS_DMmJwlaA
"Faithful"
There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for
[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear every word I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful
All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me
[CHORUS]
[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want
Check out an okay video here,(it just misses the first verse):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vS_DMmJwlaA
What if... / RAMBLIN' MAN-DI
Both written last night...
What if...
... God has a bigger plan for me than a husband and kids? Maybe not bigger, but... different. Although I can't imagine what that would be...
... I am single until I die (que movie scream, I think the shower scene from 'Psycho' would be appropriate).
A Baylor friend of mine once told me that she wrote a list of the characteristics she wanted in a man. Soon after making the list, she met her husband, and he met every single one of them. She talked me into doing the same.
Well, I came across that list the other day, and decided to do it again last night. As I wrote down different characteristics, I had a though. 'Wait a minute, this is how GOD is.'
TRUSTWORTHY, GIVING, LISTENS, UNDERSTANDS, WISE, LOVING, SELFLESS,
KNOWS THE REAL ME AND LOVES ME ANYWAY.
There is more to the list, like TRAVELS and COOKS, but none of that really matters (and believe me, I'm well aware that there is no man who can fulfill everything I think I want).
Here is my point (and I do have one). Everything I want, I already HAVE. So there. E-Harmony, quit sending me e-mails!
And of course I want things like companionship and romance... but WHAT IF I don't ever have those? (que movie scream, again). I know, total buzz-kill Mandi here, but... what if?
Well, I will just have to be fine with it. Because I'm certainly not settling for less than what I deserve. And if there is no man in God's plan for me? Well, I will just have to trust that God has a bigger plan for me... different than what I ever imagined.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RAMBLIN' MAN-DI
I have a feeling that this will not be my last stop. Don't get me wrong, I love DC, but I just have this feeling.
Nothing I've done in my life has really been completely planned out. College... not so much. Jobs after college... nope. Grad school... and several tens of thousands of debt later... not really (cringe). Even moving to DC was fairly spur of the moment.
All of these decisions, when put into action, produced a lot of anxiety. Inevitably, though, I became happy with my decisions, and have had great (and some not so great) experiences. I have learned an extreme amount about myself and this world that I live in.
I feel as though I have been led down this path... maybe more of a nudge, if you will. So I'm just going to keep it up, not worry so much. To do otherwise, well, that just wouldn't be me.
Today's devotional (Feb. 20): http://christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/11568788/
What if...
... God has a bigger plan for me than a husband and kids? Maybe not bigger, but... different. Although I can't imagine what that would be...
... I am single until I die (que movie scream, I think the shower scene from 'Psycho' would be appropriate).
A Baylor friend of mine once told me that she wrote a list of the characteristics she wanted in a man. Soon after making the list, she met her husband, and he met every single one of them. She talked me into doing the same.
Well, I came across that list the other day, and decided to do it again last night. As I wrote down different characteristics, I had a though. 'Wait a minute, this is how GOD is.'
TRUSTWORTHY, GIVING, LISTENS, UNDERSTANDS, WISE, LOVING, SELFLESS,
KNOWS THE REAL ME AND LOVES ME ANYWAY.
There is more to the list, like TRAVELS and COOKS, but none of that really matters (and believe me, I'm well aware that there is no man who can fulfill everything I think I want).
Here is my point (and I do have one). Everything I want, I already HAVE. So there. E-Harmony, quit sending me e-mails!
And of course I want things like companionship and romance... but WHAT IF I don't ever have those? (que movie scream, again). I know, total buzz-kill Mandi here, but... what if?
Well, I will just have to be fine with it. Because I'm certainly not settling for less than what I deserve. And if there is no man in God's plan for me? Well, I will just have to trust that God has a bigger plan for me... different than what I ever imagined.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RAMBLIN' MAN-DI
I have a feeling that this will not be my last stop. Don't get me wrong, I love DC, but I just have this feeling.
Nothing I've done in my life has really been completely planned out. College... not so much. Jobs after college... nope. Grad school... and several tens of thousands of debt later... not really (cringe). Even moving to DC was fairly spur of the moment.
All of these decisions, when put into action, produced a lot of anxiety. Inevitably, though, I became happy with my decisions, and have had great (and some not so great) experiences. I have learned an extreme amount about myself and this world that I live in.
I feel as though I have been led down this path... maybe more of a nudge, if you will. So I'm just going to keep it up, not worry so much. To do otherwise, well, that just wouldn't be me.
Today's devotional (Feb. 20): http://christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/11568788/
Friday, February 15, 2008
My Hope
My Hope lies not in any man
My Love comes from the Greatest Love
My Peace lies in the silence of His magesty...
My Heart awaits the day in which it will be made whole
My Will has been surrendered
My Pain no longer self-inflicted
My Life has been laid down before the One who gave His life for me
My Fear of the unknown has become...
My Joy in the adventure
My Prayer does not cease ... to amaze me in His answering
My Hope ... lies in the eternal Mercy and Grace of God.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Valentine's Day this year was a day of pure joy for me. It wasn't necessarily a conscious decision ... but it was wonderful. I could have cared less that I was yet again single. None of that mattered. I didn't feel lonely. Didn't feel sorry for myself ... It was almost as if I could feel God's love all around me. I could see it in the kindness of strangers and friends. I felt it in the usual way from my family. I witnessed it in a family who had just adopted a baby ... and allowed me to join in the celebration. It was a beautiful day.
Love is all around, obviously in varying degrees, but if you let yourself soak it all in ... it's something that I try to do every day. When you feel this way ... who cares about being single?!?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
I John 4:16 (KJV)
My Love comes from the Greatest Love
My Peace lies in the silence of His magesty...
My Heart awaits the day in which it will be made whole
My Will has been surrendered
My Pain no longer self-inflicted
My Life has been laid down before the One who gave His life for me
My Fear of the unknown has become...
My Joy in the adventure
My Prayer does not cease ... to amaze me in His answering
My Hope ... lies in the eternal Mercy and Grace of God.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Valentine's Day this year was a day of pure joy for me. It wasn't necessarily a conscious decision ... but it was wonderful. I could have cared less that I was yet again single. None of that mattered. I didn't feel lonely. Didn't feel sorry for myself ... It was almost as if I could feel God's love all around me. I could see it in the kindness of strangers and friends. I felt it in the usual way from my family. I witnessed it in a family who had just adopted a baby ... and allowed me to join in the celebration. It was a beautiful day.
Love is all around, obviously in varying degrees, but if you let yourself soak it all in ... it's something that I try to do every day. When you feel this way ... who cares about being single?!?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.
I John 4:16 (KJV)
Monday, February 04, 2008
One of the reasons why I love my new church
We sing this song every single Sunday morning, in preparation of service... in preparation of worship...
How Deep the Father's Love
How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure,
That he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss: the Father turns his face away,
As wounds which mar the chosen one bring many sons to glory.
Behold the man upon the cross, my sin upon his shoulders;
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held him there until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom;
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer,
But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom.
Author, Stuart Townend
Copywrite 1995 Kingsways' Thankyou Music
I cannot sing this without tearing up.
I'm glad to be part of a church that is not only Christ-centered and Bible-centered... but very much Gospel-centered.
UPDATE: Oops, we don't sing it every single Sunday. It just seemed like it for awhile....We do always sing a song about the Gospel, though... :)
How Deep the Father's Love
How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure,
That he should give his only Son to make a wretch his treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss: the Father turns his face away,
As wounds which mar the chosen one bring many sons to glory.
Behold the man upon the cross, my sin upon his shoulders;
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held him there until it was accomplished;
His dying breath has brought me life I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything, no gifts, no power, no wisdom;
But I will boast in Jesus Christ, his death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer,
But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom.
Author, Stuart Townend
Copywrite 1995 Kingsways' Thankyou Music
I cannot sing this without tearing up.
I'm glad to be part of a church that is not only Christ-centered and Bible-centered... but very much Gospel-centered.
UPDATE: Oops, we don't sing it every single Sunday. It just seemed like it for awhile....We do always sing a song about the Gospel, though... :)
Friday, February 01, 2008
February 1, 2008
12:14 am
One big push.... it away
There mere weight of it is crushing
My dreams
Something this big, this oppresive, how do I give it up.. to Him?
It's smothering, yet oddly comforting. Held tightly to myself for so long...
without it I would feel... laid bare... naked, undefended.
Opening up, feeling raw
A blast of wind so feared for the damage it could do.
Frightened more of the possibility than the reality
For what is reality, anyway?
What we see with our eyes, taste with our lips...
Or is it what we know in our hearts.
Isaiah 58:6 (KJV) Is not this fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?
Dear friend, break every single yoke. Sometimes I fear it may take a lifetime... for me. There is a burden on me so great... I can only pray for God to help me BEGIN to know how to start giving it to Him. I feel as though a mountain has risen up before me... yet this time there is no denying it, no going the long way around, no avoiding the... adventure. I will go straight up, and stand breathless at its peak. Victorious. And smiling.
Dig up those roots, friends.
Start digging.
Dear Lord, This one may take awhile. I pray for patience, for perserverence, I pray for... ultimate peace. I will not give up, for I know you will not, will never give up on me. I owe myself that same courtesy. Thank you for every blessing you have bestowed upon me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
This morning's devotional: 'They Will See God.'
http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/11566469/
12:14 am
One big push.... it away
There mere weight of it is crushing
My dreams
Something this big, this oppresive, how do I give it up.. to Him?
It's smothering, yet oddly comforting. Held tightly to myself for so long...
without it I would feel... laid bare... naked, undefended.
Opening up, feeling raw
A blast of wind so feared for the damage it could do.
Frightened more of the possibility than the reality
For what is reality, anyway?
What we see with our eyes, taste with our lips...
Or is it what we know in our hearts.
Isaiah 58:6 (KJV) Is not this fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?
Dear friend, break every single yoke. Sometimes I fear it may take a lifetime... for me. There is a burden on me so great... I can only pray for God to help me BEGIN to know how to start giving it to Him. I feel as though a mountain has risen up before me... yet this time there is no denying it, no going the long way around, no avoiding the... adventure. I will go straight up, and stand breathless at its peak. Victorious. And smiling.
Dig up those roots, friends.
Start digging.
Dear Lord, This one may take awhile. I pray for patience, for perserverence, I pray for... ultimate peace. I will not give up, for I know you will not, will never give up on me. I owe myself that same courtesy. Thank you for every blessing you have bestowed upon me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
This morning's devotional: 'They Will See God.'
http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/11566469/
I'm diggin' it
February 1, 2008
12:14 am
One big push.... it away
The mere weight of it is crushing
My dreams
Something this big, this oppresive, how do I give it up.. to Him?
It's smothering, yet oddly comforting. Held tightly to myself for so long...
without it I would feel... laid bare... naked, undefended.
Opening up, feeling raw
A blast of wind so feared for the damage it could do.
Frightened more of the possibility than the reality
For what is reality, anyway?
What we see with our eyes, taste with our lips...
Or is it what we know in our hearts.
Isaiah 58:6 (KJV) Is not this fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?
Dear friend, break every single yoke. Sometimes I fear it may take a lifetime... for me. There is a burden on me so great... I can only pray for God to help me BEGIN to know how to start giving it to Him. I feel as though a mountain has risen up before me... yet this time there is no denying it, no going the long way around, no avoiding the... adventure. I will go straight up, and stand breathless at its peak. Victorious. And smiling.
Dig up those roots, friends.
Start digging.
Dear Lord, This one may take awhile. I pray for patience, for perserverence, I pray for... ultimate peace. I will not give up, for I know you will not, will never give up on me. I owe myself that same courtesy. Thank you for every blessing you have bestowed upon me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
This morning's devotional: 'They Will See God.'
http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/
12:14 am
One big push.... it away
The mere weight of it is crushing
My dreams
Something this big, this oppresive, how do I give it up.. to Him?
It's smothering, yet oddly comforting. Held tightly to myself for so long...
without it I would feel... laid bare... naked, undefended.
Opening up, feeling raw
A blast of wind so feared for the damage it could do.
Frightened more of the possibility than the reality
For what is reality, anyway?
What we see with our eyes, taste with our lips...
Or is it what we know in our hearts.
Isaiah 58:6 (KJV) Is not this fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?
Dear friend, break every single yoke. Sometimes I fear it may take a lifetime... for me. There is a burden on me so great... I can only pray for God to help me BEGIN to know how to start giving it to Him. I feel as though a mountain has risen up before me... yet this time there is no denying it, no going the long way around, no avoiding the... adventure. I will go straight up, and stand breathless at its peak. Victorious. And smiling.
Dig up those roots, friends.
Start digging.
Dear Lord, This one may take awhile. I pray for patience, for perserverence, I pray for... ultimate peace. I will not give up, for I know you will not, will never give up on me. I owe myself that same courtesy. Thank you for every blessing you have bestowed upon me. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
This morning's devotional: 'They Will See God.'
http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Yet another A HA! moment
Okay, so this week I've been in sort of a funk. As far as blogging goes, my writing has definitely been affected. I had an idea, wrote it down, but really it ended up being two ideas. I embarked on a 'divide and conquer' strategy last night, but wasn't all that excited about the outcome. Really didn't feel like I should post it today, thought about maybe working on it some more. Then this morning, 2 out of the 3 daily devotional e-mails I received reminded me of why I wrote it… so I guess I should go ahead and post away! (I've typed red astericks next to points in my post that matched up with the devotionals, and put the website links to the devotionals at the end of the post, remember, I wrote this LAST NIGHT, and received the devotionals this morning....).
After another episode in my life where I'm better off with yet another guy being far far away, I've realized some things. No matter how far or how long I got off track,* God was showing me signs, maybe even paving my way back to Him.
There are some little things, one example is how out of all music genres I've always been able to sing gospel better than any other. Speaking of singing, whenever I just have a sip of beer, I lose all ability to sing in tune. Speaking of drinking, going out was okay, but other than meeting a few good friends, nothing good has ever come out of it…
Then there is the thing in which I alluded to in the first paragraph. Yes, it is my complete and utter bad taste in men. Now, I'm not saying that every guy I've dated is terrible. Most are decent men, but none were ever right for me. In face, none ever really knew the real me. I believe this comes from a mixture of what they wanted me to be, and what I allowed myself to reveal to them. Not exactly the formula for a successful relationship.
So no, I have never ever thought I'd marry anyone I've dated. And I'm not so sure that it is just a coincidence that at least 2 of my relationships ended because they moved out of the state. Heck, some ended because I moved out of the state! I believe all of this happened to me because God wasn't happy with how I was choosing to let these people in my life. You see, I promised God much more than that when I asked Him into my heart, to forgive me of my sins…
Here is my conclusion.** The man I end up with will first and foremost have to be a Christian. He will need to put God first in his life. So, if this makes a guy run for the hills… I'll gladly let him go… I'll even throw him a going away party. I've realized that if someone doesn't put God first, then the next in line for that position will be himself. And it is those types of people who blame others for their bad behavior, who won't think twice about doing something that could hurt their partner. Now I realize that this isn't a hard and fast rule, no one is perfect. Still, it's a lot better than my old way of doing things (which was really just a result of me not paying attention).*
To sum it all up, it doesn't matter what I want for my life. As a fallen being, a sinner, I will never be able to get it right if the focus is solely on me. What really matters is what God wants for my life. Anything else, well, that's just a waste of my time.
Romans 5 (KJV)
1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
Dear Lord, I am truly sorry for spending so much time away from you. You have shown me that You were always with me. No matter what I did, I've always yearned for you. I am finally back to where I started some 17 years ago. It pains me to admit that I had to go through a lot to get to that point. I am forever grateful that You never gave up on me. Please help me to continue on this path that You have chosen for me. Thank You for all of Your many blessings. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
* Check out the devotional here: http://talk.thelife.com/blogs/experience/devotionalforwomen/2008/01/31/neglecting-the-little-things-2/comments
** Check out the devotional here: http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/11566399/
If you've never noticed in previous blogs, this happens to me VERY often! See here (http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/11/blog-post.html) and here (http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/12/and-it-just-keeps-happening-god-is.html).
After another episode in my life where I'm better off with yet another guy being far far away, I've realized some things. No matter how far or how long I got off track,* God was showing me signs, maybe even paving my way back to Him.
There are some little things, one example is how out of all music genres I've always been able to sing gospel better than any other. Speaking of singing, whenever I just have a sip of beer, I lose all ability to sing in tune. Speaking of drinking, going out was okay, but other than meeting a few good friends, nothing good has ever come out of it…
Then there is the thing in which I alluded to in the first paragraph. Yes, it is my complete and utter bad taste in men. Now, I'm not saying that every guy I've dated is terrible. Most are decent men, but none were ever right for me. In face, none ever really knew the real me. I believe this comes from a mixture of what they wanted me to be, and what I allowed myself to reveal to them. Not exactly the formula for a successful relationship.
So no, I have never ever thought I'd marry anyone I've dated. And I'm not so sure that it is just a coincidence that at least 2 of my relationships ended because they moved out of the state. Heck, some ended because I moved out of the state! I believe all of this happened to me because God wasn't happy with how I was choosing to let these people in my life. You see, I promised God much more than that when I asked Him into my heart, to forgive me of my sins…
Here is my conclusion.** The man I end up with will first and foremost have to be a Christian. He will need to put God first in his life. So, if this makes a guy run for the hills… I'll gladly let him go… I'll even throw him a going away party. I've realized that if someone doesn't put God first, then the next in line for that position will be himself. And it is those types of people who blame others for their bad behavior, who won't think twice about doing something that could hurt their partner. Now I realize that this isn't a hard and fast rule, no one is perfect. Still, it's a lot better than my old way of doing things (which was really just a result of me not paying attention).*
To sum it all up, it doesn't matter what I want for my life. As a fallen being, a sinner, I will never be able to get it right if the focus is solely on me. What really matters is what God wants for my life. Anything else, well, that's just a waste of my time.
Romans 5 (KJV)
1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
Dear Lord, I am truly sorry for spending so much time away from you. You have shown me that You were always with me. No matter what I did, I've always yearned for you. I am finally back to where I started some 17 years ago. It pains me to admit that I had to go through a lot to get to that point. I am forever grateful that You never gave up on me. Please help me to continue on this path that You have chosen for me. Thank You for all of Your many blessings. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.
* Check out the devotional here: http://talk.thelife.com/blogs/experience/devotionalforwomen/2008/01/31/neglecting-the-little-things-2/comments
** Check out the devotional here: http://www.christianity.com/devotionals/encouragement/11566399/
If you've never noticed in previous blogs, this happens to me VERY often! See here (http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/11/blog-post.html) and here (http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/12/and-it-just-keeps-happening-god-is.html).
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
"Now you have a wonderful day, ma'am"
As I was walking to work this morning, I was just about half out of it. I was groggy (still am), and had taken some headache medicine (one of the the reasons I am groggy). So, I was walking along my usual route, not really taking in my surroundings (even though they are awesome; I walk past the U.S. Capitol, Library of Congress, and Supreme Court, it's really beautiful).
I had stopped at a street, waiting to be able to cross, when a man came up to me. I assumed he was going to ask directions (that happens all the time, guess I look like a real 'Washingtonian,' or something), but he said something else. He looked me right in the eyes and said, "now you have a wonderful day, ma'am." He said this as he was walking away backwards, and I said, "thanks, you too!" That was the last thing I was expecting, but what a nice surprise!
So I had the thought as I made my way on to work. That really made me smile, a total stranger telling me to have a wonderful day... but why did it take something like that? Why wasn't I already smiling? Why hadn't I already thought, 'today is going to be a wonderful day"? Gooooood question. I really do wake up every morning, thanking God for another day, but I need to take a step further, and ask for a wonderful day. Now, wouldn't that just be the way to start a morning? Especially for me, being that I'm so NOT a morning person...
*warning: change of subject*
Okay, so I stayed up until 1 am last night (this morning, if you're picky) writing. I wasn't going to post it on a blog, because I just posted one two days ago. I thought that I would wait until next week. Well, now I'm just going to post it. Because I feel like it.
*************
My prayer for you, dear friend, is difficult to convey.
I want happiness for you, overwelming love for you.
And the only real way to have and know these is to believe in Miracles...
It's that missing something, that hole you have been trying to fill.
It's the power that created you, created everything that exists.
It's the pull you feel when things aren't going right.
It's the wall you hit when you are trying to run away...
We all have our own personal demons. It is up to us; either to face them head on, or let them ru(i)n our lives...
So, dear friend, what is your choice? You can keep running in circles, and wonder why nothing ever seems to go right... or you can let Him in. You can let yourself Believe that He is Holy. That events really can occur on this earth that bend the 'laws' of the Universe (laws as we humans define them). You can believe in the seemingly impossible. Then you can go further, and start to live your life according to His Word. If you do this with your whole heart, then the things of this world will not matter any more. Once you have reached this point... then you will know what is truly meaningful...
This is my prayer for you, dear friend. This is my prayer for the whole world...
*************
A prayer for myself.
I need to be absolutely diligent in identifying my own demons. Some are just more obvious than others. Then I need to cast them on God. All of them. Every last one. Even the one's that seem insignificant. Because they are holding me back. And, if you can't tell already, I am tired of worldy excuses; I am so ready to have 'all of that' behind me.
I feel like I've tackled the big ones. At least acknowledged them, physically and emotionally put a stop to them. But there are still those hidden ones. The one's that fool me into thinking I can fix them on my own.
And the reality is; I can't. So I turn to God. I pray to God.
It is an earnest moment. A freeing moment. I have a love/hate relationship with times like this. I hate having to think about them, the roots of my problems. But I love how it feels to dig them up and give them to God. I was not born to bear these heavy burdens alone. And for that I am eternally grateful.
******************
Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22 (KJV)
5... "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
I Peter 5:5-11 (KJV)
I had stopped at a street, waiting to be able to cross, when a man came up to me. I assumed he was going to ask directions (that happens all the time, guess I look like a real 'Washingtonian,' or something), but he said something else. He looked me right in the eyes and said, "now you have a wonderful day, ma'am." He said this as he was walking away backwards, and I said, "thanks, you too!" That was the last thing I was expecting, but what a nice surprise!
So I had the thought as I made my way on to work. That really made me smile, a total stranger telling me to have a wonderful day... but why did it take something like that? Why wasn't I already smiling? Why hadn't I already thought, 'today is going to be a wonderful day"? Gooooood question. I really do wake up every morning, thanking God for another day, but I need to take a step further, and ask for a wonderful day. Now, wouldn't that just be the way to start a morning? Especially for me, being that I'm so NOT a morning person...
*warning: change of subject*
Okay, so I stayed up until 1 am last night (this morning, if you're picky) writing. I wasn't going to post it on a blog, because I just posted one two days ago. I thought that I would wait until next week. Well, now I'm just going to post it. Because I feel like it.
*************
My prayer for you, dear friend, is difficult to convey.
I want happiness for you, overwelming love for you.
And the only real way to have and know these is to believe in Miracles...
It's that missing something, that hole you have been trying to fill.
It's the power that created you, created everything that exists.
It's the pull you feel when things aren't going right.
It's the wall you hit when you are trying to run away...
We all have our own personal demons. It is up to us; either to face them head on, or let them ru(i)n our lives...
So, dear friend, what is your choice? You can keep running in circles, and wonder why nothing ever seems to go right... or you can let Him in. You can let yourself Believe that He is Holy. That events really can occur on this earth that bend the 'laws' of the Universe (laws as we humans define them). You can believe in the seemingly impossible. Then you can go further, and start to live your life according to His Word. If you do this with your whole heart, then the things of this world will not matter any more. Once you have reached this point... then you will know what is truly meaningful...
This is my prayer for you, dear friend. This is my prayer for the whole world...
*************
A prayer for myself.
I need to be absolutely diligent in identifying my own demons. Some are just more obvious than others. Then I need to cast them on God. All of them. Every last one. Even the one's that seem insignificant. Because they are holding me back. And, if you can't tell already, I am tired of worldy excuses; I am so ready to have 'all of that' behind me.
I feel like I've tackled the big ones. At least acknowledged them, physically and emotionally put a stop to them. But there are still those hidden ones. The one's that fool me into thinking I can fix them on my own.
And the reality is; I can't. So I turn to God. I pray to God.
It is an earnest moment. A freeing moment. I have a love/hate relationship with times like this. I hate having to think about them, the roots of my problems. But I love how it feels to dig them up and give them to God. I was not born to bear these heavy burdens alone. And for that I am eternally grateful.
******************
Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22 (KJV)
5... "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."
6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
I Peter 5:5-11 (KJV)
Monday, January 07, 2008
"If You Can't Say Amen, Say Oh Me"
Growing up, this was a phrase I heard often in church. Brother John would say this when the congregation wasn't being sufficiently stirred during his sermon. And inevitably, my Grandma would reply, "oh me." No, not a whisper or a mumble, but really LOUD. "OH ME!" From the back row, no less. She was also known to meet up with Brother John after church, to tell him what he had gotten wrong, or how he could have done better. She would even have notes for him. I kid you not, he spoke about it during her eulogy 20 years ago. I find it amazing that she had the time to do all of that AND show me how to make a Snoopy out of a cursive D and a chicken out of a cursive S, during church. The ultimate multitasker, I tell ya.
Those events along with ice cream socials (where every flavor of homeade ice cream imaginable would be served on tables in the parking lot), Vacation Bible School (and having our snack behind the church, and rolling down the grass hill, over and over), and Christmas Cantata's (I even remember some of the songs. "Number one, it's just begun, God should be first in your life. Number two's the golden rule, those graven images aren't nice. Number three God's name should be never spoken in jest... I could do all ten, but I'm getting off point). These and other events in my past have molded me into the person I am today. Between my family and my chruch, I learned humility, honesty, the Golden Rule, compassion, and the value of hard work. I have always known that Christmas isn't about gifts or vacation, but the birth of Jesus Christ. That Easter isn't about candy or a bunny, but about the death and resurrection of Him.
I find it as a source of pride that one of our favorite family story's isn't when great uncle so and so made his first million, but that my great uncle Henry was a carpenter who would turn down lucrative building jobs. He would rather stand by his principles than take a job where he might have to turn away from wrong-doing, where his boss may cut corners or cheat people. He knew that nothing was worth defying his principles, not even jobs that would have undoubtably made his life 'easier,' more comfortable. I love it that Henry learned his carpentry skills from his brother Tom, my great grandfather, a builder and part-time Baptist preacher who was know for his rousing sermons.
Yes, I come from a long line of Baptist believers. From the preachers to the deacons (both of my grandfathers were respected deacons), and of course my Mammaw, who could play and sing old hymnals by heart up until she died at 94. You can follow my family's migration from Virginia down to Arkansas with the movement of the Baptist church.
Looking at my background, you may think, 'well duh, it's easy for you to believe the way you do.' Well, guess what? It's not always easy. I have gone through times in my life where my path has veered away from God. I've always come back, but it can be difficult. I don't enjoy being looked down upon, seen by some as idiotic to believe the Gospel. 'A virgin-born Savior? Really Mandi, you believe that?' And I remember hearing at a young age that Christians would be persecuted. I never really believed it, mostly because I had never heard anyone contradict what I had learned. I have found that yes, Christians are persecuted, in big ways and small. I don't want to come across as some victim, because I certainly am not. But it does bruise my ego a bit to be thought of as unintelligent.
Funny thing, I've been going to Bible study lately, and we have been going over I Corinthians. So far it has been about preaching style, and how Paul admonished the Corinthians for praising style over message. My favorite passage is "your faith should not be in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God." I Corinthians 2:5 (more in I Corinthians, especially in 10-16, go read it! Or google it if you don't have a Bible handy). So, as my marathon coach Rich always said, "if it were easy, everyone would do it" (of course he was talking about running a marathon, but I think it applies here, too). Ultimately, I have learned that my relationship and belief in God means more to me than any man (or woman's) opinion.
So no, it's not easy. I think it's easier for some than others, but - as usual - life happens, and you can be tested. I've found that I can be as a petulant child at times, whining to God when things don't go my way. Thankfully those episodes only last about day; not weeks, months, or even years like before. I am finally, finally on my way to where I want to be.
And, of course, as with everything else in my life, I owe it all to God. He saw fit to place me in a loving family. I am grateful for the humility and decency of my ancestors. For the most part, they knew the importance of living a principled life outweighed the benefits they could have felt from ill-gotten gain. That means more and does more for me than any trust fund could ever do.
So, as I hop-skip-and-jump my way along this journey of mine, I'm going to focus more on the Amen's and less on the Oh Me's (I will leave that to the loving memory of my Grandma's comedic timing). I finally understand that my salvation is a gift from God, and my acceptance of that was made easier by my lineage. It is my inheritance, and for that I am extremely grateful.
Dear Lord, I am ready to serve the purpose for which you have made me. Be it by word or by deed, please show me the absolute best way that my life can honor you. Thank you for all the blessings you've bestowed upon me, and forgive me of my sins. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Those events along with ice cream socials (where every flavor of homeade ice cream imaginable would be served on tables in the parking lot), Vacation Bible School (and having our snack behind the church, and rolling down the grass hill, over and over), and Christmas Cantata's (I even remember some of the songs. "Number one, it's just begun, God should be first in your life. Number two's the golden rule, those graven images aren't nice. Number three God's name should be never spoken in jest... I could do all ten, but I'm getting off point). These and other events in my past have molded me into the person I am today. Between my family and my chruch, I learned humility, honesty, the Golden Rule, compassion, and the value of hard work. I have always known that Christmas isn't about gifts or vacation, but the birth of Jesus Christ. That Easter isn't about candy or a bunny, but about the death and resurrection of Him.
I find it as a source of pride that one of our favorite family story's isn't when great uncle so and so made his first million, but that my great uncle Henry was a carpenter who would turn down lucrative building jobs. He would rather stand by his principles than take a job where he might have to turn away from wrong-doing, where his boss may cut corners or cheat people. He knew that nothing was worth defying his principles, not even jobs that would have undoubtably made his life 'easier,' more comfortable. I love it that Henry learned his carpentry skills from his brother Tom, my great grandfather, a builder and part-time Baptist preacher who was know for his rousing sermons.
Yes, I come from a long line of Baptist believers. From the preachers to the deacons (both of my grandfathers were respected deacons), and of course my Mammaw, who could play and sing old hymnals by heart up until she died at 94. You can follow my family's migration from Virginia down to Arkansas with the movement of the Baptist church.
Looking at my background, you may think, 'well duh, it's easy for you to believe the way you do.' Well, guess what? It's not always easy. I have gone through times in my life where my path has veered away from God. I've always come back, but it can be difficult. I don't enjoy being looked down upon, seen by some as idiotic to believe the Gospel. 'A virgin-born Savior? Really Mandi, you believe that?' And I remember hearing at a young age that Christians would be persecuted. I never really believed it, mostly because I had never heard anyone contradict what I had learned. I have found that yes, Christians are persecuted, in big ways and small. I don't want to come across as some victim, because I certainly am not. But it does bruise my ego a bit to be thought of as unintelligent.
Funny thing, I've been going to Bible study lately, and we have been going over I Corinthians. So far it has been about preaching style, and how Paul admonished the Corinthians for praising style over message. My favorite passage is "your faith should not be in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God." I Corinthians 2:5 (more in I Corinthians, especially in 10-16, go read it! Or google it if you don't have a Bible handy). So, as my marathon coach Rich always said, "if it were easy, everyone would do it" (of course he was talking about running a marathon, but I think it applies here, too). Ultimately, I have learned that my relationship and belief in God means more to me than any man (or woman's) opinion.
So no, it's not easy. I think it's easier for some than others, but - as usual - life happens, and you can be tested. I've found that I can be as a petulant child at times, whining to God when things don't go my way. Thankfully those episodes only last about day; not weeks, months, or even years like before. I am finally, finally on my way to where I want to be.
And, of course, as with everything else in my life, I owe it all to God. He saw fit to place me in a loving family. I am grateful for the humility and decency of my ancestors. For the most part, they knew the importance of living a principled life outweighed the benefits they could have felt from ill-gotten gain. That means more and does more for me than any trust fund could ever do.
So, as I hop-skip-and-jump my way along this journey of mine, I'm going to focus more on the Amen's and less on the Oh Me's (I will leave that to the loving memory of my Grandma's comedic timing). I finally understand that my salvation is a gift from God, and my acceptance of that was made easier by my lineage. It is my inheritance, and for that I am extremely grateful.
Dear Lord, I am ready to serve the purpose for which you have made me. Be it by word or by deed, please show me the absolute best way that my life can honor you. Thank you for all the blessings you've bestowed upon me, and forgive me of my sins. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
...and it just keeps happening... God is working on me...
I recently wrote a blog, entitled 'Thoughts at 2 am.' In the last paragraph, I wrote that 'God is speaking to me in many different ways,' then gave examples. Well, it just keeps happening!
Last week I was addressing my Christmas cards, and came upon my former boss. He is going through an undeniably rough time, so I decided to look up a Bible verse to include in his card. Using my Ryrie Study Bible (KJV), I look up 'trust' in the back, and came up with this verse:
"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2."
I thought, 'now this is a great verse to send to someone in his situation.' I liked it so much that I included in a lot of my Christmas cards (not for the one's I had already done, I just wrote Isaiah 12:2 on the envelope).
Now to the point of my story. I receive a daily Christian Women's Devotion by e-mail, and I kid you not, 3 days after I found this verse, it was mentioned in last Saturday's devotional! I cannot tell you how often this happens to me. As stated above, I have other examples on the 2 am blog: http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/11/blog-post.html.
I enjoyed the devotional so much, thought I'd copy and paste it below:
Okay, I took out the copy/paste, because I just noticed on their website that you can't do that!
Here is the lnk: http://talk.thelife.com/blogs/experience/devotionalforwomen/2007/12/15/sing-for-joy/
1.11.08
And that's it! I am still working on another one, titled 'If you can't say Amen, say Oh Me.' Stay tuned...
Last week I was addressing my Christmas cards, and came upon my former boss. He is going through an undeniably rough time, so I decided to look up a Bible verse to include in his card. Using my Ryrie Study Bible (KJV), I look up 'trust' in the back, and came up with this verse:
"Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2."
I thought, 'now this is a great verse to send to someone in his situation.' I liked it so much that I included in a lot of my Christmas cards (not for the one's I had already done, I just wrote Isaiah 12:2 on the envelope).
Now to the point of my story. I receive a daily Christian Women's Devotion by e-mail, and I kid you not, 3 days after I found this verse, it was mentioned in last Saturday's devotional! I cannot tell you how often this happens to me. As stated above, I have other examples on the 2 am blog: http://chasingfireworks.blogspot.com/2007/11/blog-post.html.
I enjoyed the devotional so much, thought I'd copy and paste it below:
Okay, I took out the copy/paste, because I just noticed on their website that you can't do that!
Here is the lnk: http://talk.thelife.com/blogs/experience/devotionalforwomen/2007/12/15/sing-for-joy/
1.11.08
And that's it! I am still working on another one, titled 'If you can't say Amen, say Oh Me.' Stay tuned...
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
If I had money to burn (change of pace)
Okay, so I know I usually write about more... profound, deep things, but today I want to have some fun! I've been searching the web for Christmas presents, and came upon (well, was prompted by an e-mail from) Shop Bop. Such cute stuff, but wayyyy out of my price range. I decided to check out the clutch purses, just had to share a few....
As in, if I had money to burn, after buying a house and car, paying off debt, giving back to my parents, to my church, various charities, going on a great vacation... if I had any left to spend like crazy, I would probably buy all of these purses (all of these can be found on www.shopbop.com). I kid you not. Enjoy.
As in, if I had money to burn, after buying a house and car, paying off debt, giving back to my parents, to my church, various charities, going on a great vacation... if I had any left to spend like crazy, I would probably buy all of these purses (all of these can be found on www.shopbop.com). I kid you not. Enjoy.
Ida Cinderella Bag (aptly named)
Disco Bag
Monica Leather Clutch
Crush Clutch
Cobra Tie Sachet
Bridgette Mesh Bag
Alas, this is the only one that fits into my meager budget...
Liseron Clutch
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thoughts at 2 am
I have had trouble sleeping this week, and last night was no exception. However, I kept having thoughts, that I just had to write down. Literally, I would turn off my lamp, think of something, then turn it back on. This lasted until about 2:30. A lot of what I jotted down is for something else I'm writing, but there were tangent thoughts, thought I'd share:
'Wake up every morning thanking God for another precious day. Even if you feel alone, you aren't, you are loved more than you could ever imagine.' I had this thought and wrote it down within this past year. It was during a time when I really started seeking out how I could be happy, fulfilled. I told myself 'I need to be thanking God -EVERY DAY- for what he has done, is doing, and will continue to be doing for me.' The depths of His love are unfathomable. I think that's why it can be so difficult for some people to let Him in. Well, do it anyway. It is still indescribable, yet amazing. Let Him overwhelm you. (Go to http://www.myspace.com/matthewandlizi and listen to 'The Meaning of it All').
"Judge not lest ye be judged (Matt 7:1)." Don't judge. Do you really want to be the person who casts that first stone (John 8:7)?" Yeah, I think not, if you are honest with yourself. Besides, you never know how God is working in someone else's life. I am pretty sure it is just as He works in yours and mine, every single day. Everybody has their own path.*
Sometimes I feel like a newborn baby. I am changing the way I think. I can feel incredibly awkward in my walk with Him. That's okay, too. He is there to catch me if I fall.
God is speaking to me in many different ways. I believe this is what happens when you come to Him in Faith. Answered prayers are all around me. I wrote a blog about one instance click HERE to read it. Also, I recenty wrote a blog titled 'Ruins.' I know this one was sort of vague, but it's something that I needed to share. And I'm not kidding, about 3 days later, I read a chapter in a book about 'fixing' your ruins. Click HERE to read the blog, click HERE to read about the book- 'Breaking Free' by Beth Moore. It was just crazy-cool to have that happen. I feel as though this is God telling me that I'm on the right track.
*Addedum 3/26/2008: For some reason I thought of this blog post last night, and wanted to be whoever reads this (which by now no one might ever do) knows how I mean about 'everyone has their own path.' I mean path in life. I do not mean path to God. There is only one Way, that is through the death and resurrection of Christ. Humbling yourself to the knowledge that your Maker decided to give you a path to Him through His Son. That in Christ's death, He bore the punishment for your sins, and through His resurrection, He conquered death, giving you assurance for eternal life. That's it. I have no idea why this post popped into my head last night.
'Wake up every morning thanking God for another precious day. Even if you feel alone, you aren't, you are loved more than you could ever imagine.' I had this thought and wrote it down within this past year. It was during a time when I really started seeking out how I could be happy, fulfilled. I told myself 'I need to be thanking God -EVERY DAY- for what he has done, is doing, and will continue to be doing for me.' The depths of His love are unfathomable. I think that's why it can be so difficult for some people to let Him in. Well, do it anyway. It is still indescribable, yet amazing. Let Him overwhelm you. (Go to http://www.myspace.com/matthewandlizi and listen to 'The Meaning of it All').
"Judge not lest ye be judged (Matt 7:1)." Don't judge. Do you really want to be the person who casts that first stone (John 8:7)?" Yeah, I think not, if you are honest with yourself. Besides, you never know how God is working in someone else's life. I am pretty sure it is just as He works in yours and mine, every single day. Everybody has their own path.*
Sometimes I feel like a newborn baby. I am changing the way I think. I can feel incredibly awkward in my walk with Him. That's okay, too. He is there to catch me if I fall.
God is speaking to me in many different ways. I believe this is what happens when you come to Him in Faith. Answered prayers are all around me. I wrote a blog about one instance click HERE to read it. Also, I recenty wrote a blog titled 'Ruins.' I know this one was sort of vague, but it's something that I needed to share. And I'm not kidding, about 3 days later, I read a chapter in a book about 'fixing' your ruins. Click HERE to read the blog, click HERE to read about the book- 'Breaking Free' by Beth Moore. It was just crazy-cool to have that happen. I feel as though this is God telling me that I'm on the right track.
*Addedum 3/26/2008: For some reason I thought of this blog post last night, and wanted to be whoever reads this (which by now no one might ever do) knows how I mean about 'everyone has their own path.' I mean path in life. I do not mean path to God. There is only one Way, that is through the death and resurrection of Christ. Humbling yourself to the knowledge that your Maker decided to give you a path to Him through His Son. That in Christ's death, He bore the punishment for your sins, and through His resurrection, He conquered death, giving you assurance for eternal life. That's it. I have no idea why this post popped into my head last night.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Ruins
“So now you’d better stop and rebuild your ruins, for peace and trust can win the day despite all of your losing.” Led Zeppelin
How does anyone do it?
How can someone really think that it’s okay to take whatever pain they’re feeling out on another?
Is it really that fun? Is the act itself worth it? Can any pleasure - derived from actions taken from pain - really be worth the damage inflicted?
It is difficult to trust. It is difficult to let go. Sometimes, it is difficult to see very far past ones self. There are no more excuses. No more pretending that everything is okay.
Because in reality, it is not.
The result is loneliness. Exhaustion from blocking people out. It is literally like an invisible wall, one that can be felt.
That girl is missed. The carefree girl. She knew she was smart, she knew she was lovely. She was loved beyond measure. Still is, but just can’t feel it as much. She enjoys being invisible, it is difficult to break the bubble…
It sucks to be numb.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And hey, guess what? There is an answer. An answer to anything and everything. An answer to any past wrongs, any injuries that seemed irreparable.
The answer is inside of you, has been there all along. No one can teach it to you. Sure, it can be pointed out, but there is only ONE who can GIVE it to you.
Breathe in, breathe out, just let it happen. If you don’t know it, seek it. If you don’t believe in it, open your mind a little. Open your heart a little. Try to see the world as it is, not as everyone tells you.
God is seeking you out, let Him find you.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You know, the funny thing about being treated badly is this: you get used to it. You get comfortable with it. If someone treats you the opposite way, treats you well, now THAT is uncomfortable. If something is foreign to you, no matter how good it is, it will make you uneasy. Yep, it’s a funny thing…
How does anyone do it?
How can someone really think that it’s okay to take whatever pain they’re feeling out on another?
Is it really that fun? Is the act itself worth it? Can any pleasure - derived from actions taken from pain - really be worth the damage inflicted?
It is difficult to trust. It is difficult to let go. Sometimes, it is difficult to see very far past ones self. There are no more excuses. No more pretending that everything is okay.
Because in reality, it is not.
The result is loneliness. Exhaustion from blocking people out. It is literally like an invisible wall, one that can be felt.
That girl is missed. The carefree girl. She knew she was smart, she knew she was lovely. She was loved beyond measure. Still is, but just can’t feel it as much. She enjoys being invisible, it is difficult to break the bubble…
It sucks to be numb.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
And hey, guess what? There is an answer. An answer to anything and everything. An answer to any past wrongs, any injuries that seemed irreparable.
The answer is inside of you, has been there all along. No one can teach it to you. Sure, it can be pointed out, but there is only ONE who can GIVE it to you.
Breathe in, breathe out, just let it happen. If you don’t know it, seek it. If you don’t believe in it, open your mind a little. Open your heart a little. Try to see the world as it is, not as everyone tells you.
God is seeking you out, let Him find you.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You know, the funny thing about being treated badly is this: you get used to it. You get comfortable with it. If someone treats you the opposite way, treats you well, now THAT is uncomfortable. If something is foreign to you, no matter how good it is, it will make you uneasy. Yep, it’s a funny thing…
Friday, November 09, 2007
The 'one' I've been 'waiting' for...
Thought I'd never find you. Lo these many years, I've been waiting... in eerie fascination. What would you be like? In what way would you 'pop up' in my life? Would you be welcomed? Or cut out like a bad seed....?
And now I have you. What happens from here? Oh, my first... precious? unwanted? endearing? annoying?................ FIRST WHITE HAIR!
Ahhhh! What in the world!?!?!? I am devastated. Okay, not really, I'm not that vain. It's just such... a ... weird thing. I actually found it about a month ago, and immediately told the first person I saw (my roommate Sarah), then the following 3 or 4 people I saw (total strangers/friends of Sarah's). That was a weird reaction. And what a great first impression, 'oh yeah, I met Sarah's friend... she was... interesting...'
So, it sticks straight up about 1.5 inches, right in the front of my hairline, right in the part. Straight.up. One of the first thoughts I had was, 'I haven't even had kids yet, and I'm going gray!'
I've been asked if I will pull it out, but I have decided not to (as you can tell, I've told TOO MANY PEOPLE). I am curious as to what it will do. Will it grow out long and gracefully, or be one of thise kinky white-gray hairs. Will it be curly/wavy like the rest of my hair seems to be going? I will say that it is a nice snow-white. Not an ugly gray...
So anyway, what a year. I turned 30, have had a great religious/spiritual awakening, and have found my first white hair. This year will go down in the books, I tell ya...
And now I have you. What happens from here? Oh, my first... precious? unwanted? endearing? annoying?................ FIRST WHITE HAIR!
Ahhhh! What in the world!?!?!? I am devastated. Okay, not really, I'm not that vain. It's just such... a ... weird thing. I actually found it about a month ago, and immediately told the first person I saw (my roommate Sarah), then the following 3 or 4 people I saw (total strangers/friends of Sarah's). That was a weird reaction. And what a great first impression, 'oh yeah, I met Sarah's friend... she was... interesting...'
So, it sticks straight up about 1.5 inches, right in the front of my hairline, right in the part. Straight.up. One of the first thoughts I had was, 'I haven't even had kids yet, and I'm going gray!'
I've been asked if I will pull it out, but I have decided not to (as you can tell, I've told TOO MANY PEOPLE). I am curious as to what it will do. Will it grow out long and gracefully, or be one of thise kinky white-gray hairs. Will it be curly/wavy like the rest of my hair seems to be going? I will say that it is a nice snow-white. Not an ugly gray...
So anyway, what a year. I turned 30, have had a great religious/spiritual awakening, and have found my first white hair. This year will go down in the books, I tell ya...
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Thought of the Day: November 5 (yesterday)
I had a thought yesterday. I need to quit worrying so much about what other people think of me, and concentrate more on how I see myself.
I spend SO MUCH TIME analyzing why so-and-so treats me one way, or how such-and-such things keep on happening...
Well, I'm officially done. I've been pretty good about catching myself now, when I try to figure out why someone has to put me down, you know, in those little ways that aren't always noticeable (think 'frenemy'-type behavior, I watched a segment on the subject on The Today Show: http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/02/444392.aspx). I've just got to stop it. There is no way I could ever figure out why someone behaves in that way, because there is no way I could know someones heart in that way. And it's not my job to know it. It's not my concern.
So, for instance, in my many over-analytical discussions with myself on these types of people, I often think it has something to do with where they are in life right now, maybe they are disappointed by certain aspects of their lives, and feel the need to take it out on others. Well, guess what? If I'm right about that, THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. So why even think about it in the first place? Not to say I wouldn't be there for a friend who is going through something, but there isn't much sense in thinking about it unless they ask me too. Plus, I could be totally wrong.
Anyway, I'm just not going to waste my energy on it anymore. This kind of thinking has taken the focus off of me, and where I want to be in my life. Too much worrying about what other people think or their actions will do that to a gal!
I spend SO MUCH TIME analyzing why so-and-so treats me one way, or how such-and-such things keep on happening...
Well, I'm officially done. I've been pretty good about catching myself now, when I try to figure out why someone has to put me down, you know, in those little ways that aren't always noticeable (think 'frenemy'-type behavior, I watched a segment on the subject on The Today Show: http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/02/444392.aspx). I've just got to stop it. There is no way I could ever figure out why someone behaves in that way, because there is no way I could know someones heart in that way. And it's not my job to know it. It's not my concern.
So, for instance, in my many over-analytical discussions with myself on these types of people, I often think it has something to do with where they are in life right now, maybe they are disappointed by certain aspects of their lives, and feel the need to take it out on others. Well, guess what? If I'm right about that, THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. So why even think about it in the first place? Not to say I wouldn't be there for a friend who is going through something, but there isn't much sense in thinking about it unless they ask me too. Plus, I could be totally wrong.
Anyway, I'm just not going to waste my energy on it anymore. This kind of thinking has taken the focus off of me, and where I want to be in my life. Too much worrying about what other people think or their actions will do that to a gal!
Friday, November 02, 2007
What do you do when your prayers are answered...
I'm talking literally answered in one day... Well, here is what happened...
I want to say this happened about 2 months ago, but it could be more than that. I had been very sporadically going to church by myself. And I HATE going to church by myself. By nature, I'm reallllllly shy, so it's just kind of hard. Especially when I'm used to being in a church where my family is there, not just my biological family, but my church family. People who have known me my whole life and such...
So, let's just say it's not easy for me to go to church alone. I had planned on going one day, and before I went, I prayed that someone would come up and talk with me, that I would meet someone who would 'reach out' to me, if you will.
And that morning in church it happened. I sat in the back, and someone came in late, and sat next to me. She struck up a conversation with me, because she thought she'd seen me there before. We exchanged phone numbers (because I told her I didn't know anyone at the church, and she wanted to fix that!).
Fast forward to this week. I never did call her, but finally decided to. I called her Sunday night, and heard back from her yesterday. She is going to try to set up a time for single women from the church to meet and get to know each other. Also, she told me where she and her husband and baby sit, and to try to find her for Sunday morning service. How great is that?!?
Now, the question is, why did I wait so long? I mean, I prayed for this to happen, and it literally happened just as I asked for, within 12-hours. So, why didn't I go along with it? Why didn't I jump at the chance to make a new friend, a new Christian friend?
It seems a bit ridiculous that when a prayer was answered, literally right in my face, that I would ignore it. I really don't get it. Still, I think it all worked out okay. Maybe the message in this is that God will answer our prayers, but we have to be ready to receive them, and I'm just lucky that mine didn't expire.
I want to say this happened about 2 months ago, but it could be more than that. I had been very sporadically going to church by myself. And I HATE going to church by myself. By nature, I'm reallllllly shy, so it's just kind of hard. Especially when I'm used to being in a church where my family is there, not just my biological family, but my church family. People who have known me my whole life and such...
So, let's just say it's not easy for me to go to church alone. I had planned on going one day, and before I went, I prayed that someone would come up and talk with me, that I would meet someone who would 'reach out' to me, if you will.
And that morning in church it happened. I sat in the back, and someone came in late, and sat next to me. She struck up a conversation with me, because she thought she'd seen me there before. We exchanged phone numbers (because I told her I didn't know anyone at the church, and she wanted to fix that!).
Fast forward to this week. I never did call her, but finally decided to. I called her Sunday night, and heard back from her yesterday. She is going to try to set up a time for single women from the church to meet and get to know each other. Also, she told me where she and her husband and baby sit, and to try to find her for Sunday morning service. How great is that?!?
Now, the question is, why did I wait so long? I mean, I prayed for this to happen, and it literally happened just as I asked for, within 12-hours. So, why didn't I go along with it? Why didn't I jump at the chance to make a new friend, a new Christian friend?
It seems a bit ridiculous that when a prayer was answered, literally right in my face, that I would ignore it. I really don't get it. Still, I think it all worked out okay. Maybe the message in this is that God will answer our prayers, but we have to be ready to receive them, and I'm just lucky that mine didn't expire.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
You see, I had this moment...
I recently went to San Francisco to run/walk my first marathon. And I had an amazing moment when I was there. Just felt like sharing.
Let me preface this by referring you, dear reader, to some of my most recent blogs. To summerize, I have found myself in this 'place.' It is a turning point in my life journey, my spiritual journey, my Christian journey. I have had an incredible awakening, a series of real 'snap-out-of-it' moments.
In reaction to 'all of this,' I have been listening to Christian music. Last week I reconnected with an old high-school friend (on Facebook of course). He is in the music ministry, and has made a cd with his wife. I decided to buy it off of iTunes, and listen to it on my loooong flight to San Francisco.
All I gotta say is that it is my new favorite cd. Every song is amazing. Some of the songs really reflect what I am going through right now. Others are just amazing praise songs. And when I really like a cd, I will listen to it over and over again (I did this with Evanescence, Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, too).
Now, back to San Francisco. We stayed in a great hotel, and I was supposed to have a Team In Training roommate. She ended up staying with family pretty much the whole time, so basically I had a room all to myself. I am confident there was a purpose to this. Another cool thing was that there was an iPod docking station in my room. Again, pretty sure there was a purpose to this.
So, it was Saturday afternoon. I had time to kill, and was supposed to be resting and relaxing for the marathon the next day. I listened to the cd again. And again. I really just felt the music, really listening to the words for the first time. Then I went to my window, and saw a cross.
And it all hit me at once, I began to cry, and say aloud "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I was speaking to God, to Jesus, conveying yet again the sorrow I felt from my selfishness. But you see, there was this other thing. I had finally, finally forgiven myself. And that really has made all the difference.
You see, I had an epiphany. All along, I knew, I knew that God had forgiven me of everything. But I truly couldn't forgive myself. And when I was in that place, that other one where I kept doing the same old things, feeling guilty, then doing it all over again... the reason I couldn't break the cycle was that I hadn't truly forgiven myself. In that hotel room, I finally did it, I finally felt worthy. WORTHY. And I had to do that to move on with this amazing journey.
And I can't explain it, but there has been this inexplicable shift. I feel different when I pray. Ahhh, so weird, it's like my mind has expanded, broadened, it's peaceful, it's wonderful. Wish I could share it with you. Hopefully this post can give you a glimpse (if you want it). I am just bursting, all I want to do is share how I feel.
Love and Blessings,
Mandi
P.S. Check out the music I listened to, Matthew and Lizi:
Friday, September 28, 2007
Flippin'
I don't know when this all happened, but it is really recent. I have changed. In a good way, well at least in my eyes. If you don't know how, just read my most recent blogs, they pretty much sum it up. Yeah, they pretty much say it all.
However, they say it all pretty seriously, as in 'hey, where did your sense of humor go, or at least a semblance of personality???' So, although I'm pretty different than, say, I was about 3 months ago, I'm still me, I'm still here. Just wanted to make that clear.
And since I have nothing else to say, I'm going with random thoughts today:
* My favorite color is green, but I've been leaning towards purple lately. No idea why, but I'm even thinking about having my next tattoo be a purple one.
* Have you ever heard that tattoo's are addictive? Well, they are. Doesn't necessarily mean I will get a new one, but I've been thinking about it lately. Haven't had one in about 5 years, and only have 2. Chris, if you are reading this, I will SO go do it with you!!! (see, I CAPITALIZED, bolded and italicized it, so that means I'm serious).
* Think I've settled on a favorite song. For some reason I really like 'Holding My Last Breath' by Evanescence. Been listening to it a lot lately, and I mean a lot as in 'on repeat - a lot.'
* Can I really run 20 miles tomorrow, even though I haven't run in 2 weeks (well, except for 3 miles last night (been sick)), and the longest distance I have run is 14 miles??? Hey, it's only 6 miles more, and it's all mind over matter, anyway... right???
* I have lived in DC for 1.5 years, and am finally getting used to calling it home, even still - I sometimes feel like a visitor/tourist. Like I will be going back to live in Arkansas any day now. Is that weird? Because I really like it here.....
* I bought lunch for a homeless man today. I never give money to homeless people, but the sound of his voice touched my heart. He was asking for food, so I decided to buy him some. Plus I just wanted to help someone.
* I went for a run last night, and a guy (pretty cute, I might add) was driving past. He asked me how to get to 66. Told him I wasn't sure, because I don't drive around here. (think he would have to get on 395, head toward the airport, but I wasn't sure). He said okay, but then kept saying 'this sucks, this sucks.' I swear, he was mad at me! Probably not, but it was weird.
* Speaking of cute guys, when I went to the doctor last week, I was first evaluated by a med student. He was totally cute, and his name was Ace! No kidding, it was even embroidered on his white doctor's coat. I think I'm in love. (okay, not really ;) ).
* How is it that Ellen Degeneres is so flippin' funny? I'm watching her right now. Does she practice at it? Is it an innate ability that she has nurtured into this incredible talent that she brings to millions of people every day? And how in the world does one live in that world? I could never have millions of people watching me every-single-day. Whooooa, the pressure... but it does seem like a good way to make money.
* I think it was Twain who once said people live the majority of their lives in their heads. Okay, I can see that.
* Dr. Phil is talking about the 'Jena 6' right now. I know it's been in the news, but I only read about it today. Made me want to cry, the ignorance that still exists in this world... Oh, by the way, Phil is talking about 'where are the parents,' which is a very good point. And yes, I'm on a first name basis with him, isn't everyone?
* I have got to drink more water today.
* Okay, it was bugging me, so I looked it up. “Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head.” Oh yeah, and Mark Twain said that.
* Yesterday, I decided to be a 'MySpace stalker' (wait for it, it's not as bad as it sounds). I searched some of my exes. Found 2. One I messaged, because hey, he's a nice guy. The other... I didn't message, and it doesn't look like he really uses MySpace. He was the guy that, well, let's just say I'm glad he's out of my life. Took the term 'player' to a whole new level. His only friends were Tom and a 20 year-old girl in PA (and he doesn't live anywhere near there). Weird...
* I'm about to make a bold statement here. Still working on it, thought, you will just have to wait!
* I find it fascinating that I am the kind of person who keeps moving around... and I tend to date the same kinda of people (hence the 'no really long-term relationships' in my back pocket). What's up with that? Although I will say that a psychic once told me that I'm a lot like my father, as far as moving around a lot (the man has lived in Mexico City, South Africa, and Baghdad for goodness sake! I've only done Fayetteville, Little Rock, Waco and DC), that he worries about me, and doesn't see that I'm like him. She also told me to stay away from Navy guys, and that I will have twins. So, we'll see...
Oh yeah, she also told me that we pick our parents. Think on that one awhile, won't ya?!?
* Okay, went and got more water, you don't to worry about it anymore! And I know you were, don't try to deny it...
* I wonder who actually reads my blogs. I know of a few people, but I think it was 26 people that read my last one. So, is that 26 people, or are some people reading it more than once? Hmmmm... which.could.it.be?
* "... and it POURED DOWN RAIN ON ME." That one's for my sister, in case she's reading this.
* I just opened up a Dove dark chocolate, and it says, "Get lost walking in a corn maze." Huh??? Does that sound like fun? Or even comforting, soothing? And where in the world would I even find a corn maze? I would have to plan a trip or something, this is stressing me out...
* "If you don't know God, than you can never know love." There it is, my bold statement.
Said it before, I will say it again. I wish everyone could feel the way I feel. Because it's awesome. So yes, I've changed, but trust me, in a good way. Makes me want to cry. Cry for joy in my new awakening, but in sadness a bit, because I know there are people who will never let themselves feel this way. Some of those people could be friends of mine. They may very well never know the absolute joy and happiness that I feel every.single.day. And it's all so simple, you just have to let it happen. And you probably have to change your life, yeah-that's not so simple. But please, if you have any inkling, just give it a try. I promise you, its SOOO worth it.
However, they say it all pretty seriously, as in 'hey, where did your sense of humor go, or at least a semblance of personality???' So, although I'm pretty different than, say, I was about 3 months ago, I'm still me, I'm still here. Just wanted to make that clear.
And since I have nothing else to say, I'm going with random thoughts today:
* My favorite color is green, but I've been leaning towards purple lately. No idea why, but I'm even thinking about having my next tattoo be a purple one.
* Have you ever heard that tattoo's are addictive? Well, they are. Doesn't necessarily mean I will get a new one, but I've been thinking about it lately. Haven't had one in about 5 years, and only have 2. Chris, if you are reading this, I will SO go do it with you!!! (see, I CAPITALIZED, bolded and italicized it, so that means I'm serious).
* Think I've settled on a favorite song. For some reason I really like 'Holding My Last Breath' by Evanescence. Been listening to it a lot lately, and I mean a lot as in 'on repeat - a lot.'
* Can I really run 20 miles tomorrow, even though I haven't run in 2 weeks (well, except for 3 miles last night (been sick)), and the longest distance I have run is 14 miles??? Hey, it's only 6 miles more, and it's all mind over matter, anyway... right???
* I have lived in DC for 1.5 years, and am finally getting used to calling it home, even still - I sometimes feel like a visitor/tourist. Like I will be going back to live in Arkansas any day now. Is that weird? Because I really like it here.....
* I bought lunch for a homeless man today. I never give money to homeless people, but the sound of his voice touched my heart. He was asking for food, so I decided to buy him some. Plus I just wanted to help someone.
* I went for a run last night, and a guy (pretty cute, I might add) was driving past. He asked me how to get to 66. Told him I wasn't sure, because I don't drive around here. (think he would have to get on 395, head toward the airport, but I wasn't sure). He said okay, but then kept saying 'this sucks, this sucks.' I swear, he was mad at me! Probably not, but it was weird.
* Speaking of cute guys, when I went to the doctor last week, I was first evaluated by a med student. He was totally cute, and his name was Ace! No kidding, it was even embroidered on his white doctor's coat. I think I'm in love. (okay, not really ;) ).
* How is it that Ellen Degeneres is so flippin' funny? I'm watching her right now. Does she practice at it? Is it an innate ability that she has nurtured into this incredible talent that she brings to millions of people every day? And how in the world does one live in that world? I could never have millions of people watching me every-single-day. Whooooa, the pressure... but it does seem like a good way to make money.
* I think it was Twain who once said people live the majority of their lives in their heads. Okay, I can see that.
* Dr. Phil is talking about the 'Jena 6' right now. I know it's been in the news, but I only read about it today. Made me want to cry, the ignorance that still exists in this world... Oh, by the way, Phil is talking about 'where are the parents,' which is a very good point. And yes, I'm on a first name basis with him, isn't everyone?
* I have got to drink more water today.
* Okay, it was bugging me, so I looked it up. “Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head.” Oh yeah, and Mark Twain said that.
* Yesterday, I decided to be a 'MySpace stalker' (wait for it, it's not as bad as it sounds). I searched some of my exes. Found 2. One I messaged, because hey, he's a nice guy. The other... I didn't message, and it doesn't look like he really uses MySpace. He was the guy that, well, let's just say I'm glad he's out of my life. Took the term 'player' to a whole new level. His only friends were Tom and a 20 year-old girl in PA (and he doesn't live anywhere near there). Weird...
* I'm about to make a bold statement here. Still working on it, thought, you will just have to wait!
* I find it fascinating that I am the kind of person who keeps moving around... and I tend to date the same kinda of people (hence the 'no really long-term relationships' in my back pocket). What's up with that? Although I will say that a psychic once told me that I'm a lot like my father, as far as moving around a lot (the man has lived in Mexico City, South Africa, and Baghdad for goodness sake! I've only done Fayetteville, Little Rock, Waco and DC), that he worries about me, and doesn't see that I'm like him. She also told me to stay away from Navy guys, and that I will have twins. So, we'll see...
Oh yeah, she also told me that we pick our parents. Think on that one awhile, won't ya?!?
* Okay, went and got more water, you don't to worry about it anymore! And I know you were, don't try to deny it...
* I wonder who actually reads my blogs. I know of a few people, but I think it was 26 people that read my last one. So, is that 26 people, or are some people reading it more than once? Hmmmm... which.could.it.be?
* "... and it POURED DOWN RAIN ON ME." That one's for my sister, in case she's reading this.
* I just opened up a Dove dark chocolate, and it says, "Get lost walking in a corn maze." Huh??? Does that sound like fun? Or even comforting, soothing? And where in the world would I even find a corn maze? I would have to plan a trip or something, this is stressing me out...
* "If you don't know God, than you can never know love." There it is, my bold statement.
Said it before, I will say it again. I wish everyone could feel the way I feel. Because it's awesome. So yes, I've changed, but trust me, in a good way. Makes me want to cry. Cry for joy in my new awakening, but in sadness a bit, because I know there are people who will never let themselves feel this way. Some of those people could be friends of mine. They may very well never know the absolute joy and happiness that I feel every.single.day. And it's all so simple, you just have to let it happen. And you probably have to change your life, yeah-that's not so simple. But please, if you have any inkling, just give it a try. I promise you, its SOOO worth it.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Road More or Less Traveled
"And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction"
~I Corinthians 7:35
I have a feeling that it's all a cruel trick. This world we live in, where flighty heiress' and down-trodden pop stars make more news than things that matter... how incredibly laughable it all is. I can't say that I'm not guilty of being entertained by it all. It's everywhere you look, 'people' are becoming 'brands' (check out this article in the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/16/magazine/16zoe-t.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin).
The thing is, it's all a grand distraction. Why spend any time reading my Bible, going to church, fellowshipping (is that a word?) with other Christians, meditating on God and faith... when I can read US Weekly, Perez Hilton, watch all the gossip every imaginable? Or better still, when I can go out and get drunk with attractive, successful, seemingly happy people.
The answer is simple. Because it's EASY. That is the essence of a distraction... that it is easier than what you are attempting to do. It is easier to strive for the superficial. If I were still going out and getting drunk all the time, I would have a lot more 'friends.' Friends I could go through like kleenex's (that's what they seem to do), but friends all the same. I like to refer to those kinds of people as acquantances, actually. I'm pretty picky about who I label 'friend.' And the sad thing is, if I join in on these 'mind-numbing pursuits,' I could probably have more dates, and even find a better job. It's all about connections, especially in this city.
But I digress. The road most traveled, that's where I was. Of course I was there, it was SO MUCH EASIER, and on the surface... a lot more fun. It is only when I realized what it really was.... a distraction... that I got tired of it. Yet while I'm tired of it, and feel as though I'm getting off of it, I'm still there in some ways.
I may still gossip, drink one too many on occassion (although not NEAR as much as I used to, Thank God), or any number of other sins. Some may see me as hypocritical when this happens... when I lose my way. The reality of it is, I'M HUMAN. Born to make mistakes ("I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made..." remember that song?). Yes, I am human, as in not perfect.
I wrote a blog about this, kinda. I didn't post this one on MySpace, but here is what I said about it:
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Don't judge a book by it's cover...
So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.
So what I'm trying to say is... I apologize. I apologize to everyone for things I've done in my past, I apologize for things I might do in the future that will let people down. Because I am human, and yes, I will let people down. Just know that I will beat myself up over it, more than anyone else ever could.
*****
These distractions are making me numb, numb to the reality of the world. Please God, help me to see them for what they are, and help me get back on that road less traveled.
*****
"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind"
~Thoreau
The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost
~I Corinthians 7:35
I have a feeling that it's all a cruel trick. This world we live in, where flighty heiress' and down-trodden pop stars make more news than things that matter... how incredibly laughable it all is. I can't say that I'm not guilty of being entertained by it all. It's everywhere you look, 'people' are becoming 'brands' (check out this article in the New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/16/magazine/16zoe-t.html?_r=2&oref=slogin&oref=slogin).
The thing is, it's all a grand distraction. Why spend any time reading my Bible, going to church, fellowshipping (is that a word?) with other Christians, meditating on God and faith... when I can read US Weekly, Perez Hilton, watch all the gossip every imaginable? Or better still, when I can go out and get drunk with attractive, successful, seemingly happy people.
The answer is simple. Because it's EASY. That is the essence of a distraction... that it is easier than what you are attempting to do. It is easier to strive for the superficial. If I were still going out and getting drunk all the time, I would have a lot more 'friends.' Friends I could go through like kleenex's (that's what they seem to do), but friends all the same. I like to refer to those kinds of people as acquantances, actually. I'm pretty picky about who I label 'friend.' And the sad thing is, if I join in on these 'mind-numbing pursuits,' I could probably have more dates, and even find a better job. It's all about connections, especially in this city.
But I digress. The road most traveled, that's where I was. Of course I was there, it was SO MUCH EASIER, and on the surface... a lot more fun. It is only when I realized what it really was.... a distraction... that I got tired of it. Yet while I'm tired of it, and feel as though I'm getting off of it, I'm still there in some ways.
I may still gossip, drink one too many on occassion (although not NEAR as much as I used to, Thank God), or any number of other sins. Some may see me as hypocritical when this happens... when I lose my way. The reality of it is, I'M HUMAN. Born to make mistakes ("I'm only human, of flesh and blood I'm made..." remember that song?). Yes, I am human, as in not perfect.
I wrote a blog about this, kinda. I didn't post this one on MySpace, but here is what I said about it:
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Don't judge a book by it's cover...
So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.
So what I'm trying to say is... I apologize. I apologize to everyone for things I've done in my past, I apologize for things I might do in the future that will let people down. Because I am human, and yes, I will let people down. Just know that I will beat myself up over it, more than anyone else ever could.
*****
These distractions are making me numb, numb to the reality of the world. Please God, help me to see them for what they are, and help me get back on that road less traveled.
*****
"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind"
~Thoreau
The Road Not Taken
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
~Robert Frost
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Livin' on a Prayer
Living on a prayer, literally every day.
Every.Single. Day.
Trying VERY hard to pray continuously.
Know that it is not in my nature to do so.
Feel as though I'm not doing it right.
Know that there is no other way.
You have to feel the effects of a fall before you can recognize and appreciate the reward of standing tall.
Impatient. Waiting. Hoping.
Looking for a connection.
ACHING for it.
At the same time, feel as though I'm closed off.
Have become even more picky.
Don't want to pine after the impossible.
LOOKING-CONNECT
Don't want this wall to stay up.
Not sure how to break it down.
Know that is has served me well in the past, when I wasn't paying attention.
When I let people in who didn't deserve to be there.
Feeling incredibly helpless, and knowing that this is how it is supposed to be.
Trying to appreciate it, and actually succeeding at times.
MIRACULOUS
Marveling at the state I'm in.
Feel floaty, feel free.
FREE.
It is still a struggle.
One that doesn't go away.
This struggle should be embraced.
It is why we are here.
IT.IS.WHY.I'M.HERE.
GOODNESS.
It is everywhere, you just have to seek it.
Wish it were more pervasive.
Know that the world doesn't work that way.
"We are all fallen creatures, and very hard to live with" C.S.L.
Know where this world is headed, led by human nature.
NOT.PRETTY.AT.ALL.
FAITH.
Faith in God. In His Plan. In His Guidance. In His LOVE. In His Forgiveness.
Everything else pales in comparison.
EVERYTHING-ELSE.
PRAY.
Pray for Forgiveness, for Happiness, for LOVE, for everything and nothing at all.
Feel selfish, admit this in my prayers to Him.
Funny, because He already knows.
Does God laugh?
TIRED.
Emotionally, physically, mentally tired.
Looking for fulfillment.
Feels as though I'm on my way.
Wish I could take YOU with me.
Can't.
This trip is to be made alone.
Every.Single. Day.
Trying VERY hard to pray continuously.
Know that it is not in my nature to do so.
Feel as though I'm not doing it right.
Know that there is no other way.
You have to feel the effects of a fall before you can recognize and appreciate the reward of standing tall.
Impatient. Waiting. Hoping.
Looking for a connection.
ACHING for it.
At the same time, feel as though I'm closed off.
Have become even more picky.
Don't want to pine after the impossible.
LOOKING-CONNECT
Don't want this wall to stay up.
Not sure how to break it down.
Know that is has served me well in the past, when I wasn't paying attention.
When I let people in who didn't deserve to be there.
Feeling incredibly helpless, and knowing that this is how it is supposed to be.
Trying to appreciate it, and actually succeeding at times.
MIRACULOUS
Marveling at the state I'm in.
Feel floaty, feel free.
FREE.
It is still a struggle.
One that doesn't go away.
This struggle should be embraced.
It is why we are here.
IT.IS.WHY.I'M.HERE.
GOODNESS.
It is everywhere, you just have to seek it.
Wish it were more pervasive.
Know that the world doesn't work that way.
"We are all fallen creatures, and very hard to live with" C.S.L.
Know where this world is headed, led by human nature.
NOT.PRETTY.AT.ALL.
FAITH.
Faith in God. In His Plan. In His Guidance. In His LOVE. In His Forgiveness.
Everything else pales in comparison.
EVERYTHING-ELSE.
PRAY.
Pray for Forgiveness, for Happiness, for LOVE, for everything and nothing at all.
Feel selfish, admit this in my prayers to Him.
Funny, because He already knows.
Does God laugh?
TIRED.
Emotionally, physically, mentally tired.
Looking for fulfillment.
Feels as though I'm on my way.
Wish I could take YOU with me.
Can't.
This trip is to be made alone.
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