I swear, the thoughts I have while taking walks.
Actually, I was walking to work, but still....
"Can you justify the validity of your existence?" Let me tell you, that one seemed to come out of nowhere. Of course, I am reading C.L. Lewis right now, so...
Because really, this is a ridiculous statement, when you consider that everyone's existence is valid. By the simple act of existing, taking in oxygen, all people are valid. I even looked the word up, valid, on dictionary.com, to make sure I was using it right. I found 'having a legitimate basis,' and 'appropriate to the end in view,' both of which serve my purpose well enough.
So, I was thinking yesterday (on the walk home, hmmm, maybe that is where it came from, too), is what I'm doing really worth it? Is what I'm doing with my life really making me happy? Because your existence takes into account what you do, who you are. So, is my working a job that isn't that fulfilling, living in a city far from the ones I love the most- are these things really VALID in the scheme of things? Is there a legitimate basis for the way I'm living my life? What I'm doing with it? Where I'm living it? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on moving to one of those 'hippy communes' in Northwest Arkansas (although at times it's tempting - community grape stomping, anyone?).
And I guess another thing I was thinking about are some types of people. You know, the selfish types. The one's who really don't give a flip about the people around them, unless those people can give them something. I had a conversation the other day with a friend about cheating. I kinda got heated, saying that only a truly selfish person would do that, one who doesn't care about their partner. So, in my own mind (so, on the outside looking in), how do people like that validify their existence? Is there a legitimate basis for that behavior? I don't see one. Of course, I'm sure they could come up with something to justify it. (and no, as far as I know, I've only been cheated on once, and I really didn't like the guy, so this isn't a 'woman scorned' thing).
I don't know where I'm trying to go with this, except that maybe I need to get my butt into gear... figure some things out. Because right now, I feel as though I'm just drifting. And for someone who can be a bit of a control-freak, well... that's not fun!
So, I have a question for you. If you could do anything you want, and I mean ANYTHING, what would it be? I'm talking about how you would live your life. There are no restrictions, money is no object. Jobs aren't needed. What would you do? What kind of person would you be?
Friday, July 20, 2007
Miracles~CSL
I have picked up Miracles again (by C.S. Lewis). Love it love it love it. Just wanted to type in an excerpt from Chapter 12, The Propriety of Miracles:
"For those who can suppose that God's external act, seen from within, would be that same complexity of mathematical relations which Nature, scientifically studied, reveals? It is like thinking that a poet builds up his line out of those metrical feet into which we can analyse it, or that living speech takes grammar as its starting point. But the best illustration of all is Bergson's. Let us suppose a race of people whose peculiar mental limitation compels them to regard a painting as something made up of little coloured dots which have been put together like a mosaic. Studying the brushwork of a great painting, through their magnifying glasses, they discovery more and more complicated relations between the dots, and sort these relations out, with great toil into certain regularities. Their labour will not be in vain. These regularities will in fact 'work'; they will cover most of the facts. But if they go on to conclude that any departure from them would be unworthy of the painter, and an arbitrary breaking of his own rules, they will be far astray. For the regularities they have observed never were the rule the painter was following. What they painfully reconstruct from a million dots, arranged in an agonising complexity, he really produced with a single lightning-quick turn of the wrist, his eye meanwhile taking in the canvas as a whole and his mind obeying laws of composition which the observers, counting their dots, have not yet come within sight of, and perhaps never will. I do not say that the normalities of Nature are unreal. The living foundation of divine energy, solidified for purposes of this spatio-temporal Nature into bodies moving in space and time, and thence, by our abstract thought, turned into mathematical formulae, does in fact for us, commonly fall into such and such patterns. In finding out these patterns we are therefore gaining real, and often useful, knowledge. But to think that a disturbance* of them would constitute a breach of the living rule and organic unity whereby God, from His own point of view, works, is a mistake. If miracles do occur then we may be sure that not to have wrought them would be the real inconsistency."
If you can't tell already, Lewis is thinking out the process of miracles. Before this chapter, he goes through different arguments, natural vs. supernatural... something to really read on your own... something I will probably have to read again to get more of a grasp. Whew. I'm now on page 173, have 121 pages to go!
*by disturbance, he means an intrusion into nature, a 'breaking' of natural law as we know it.
I have picked up Miracles again (by C.S. Lewis). Love it love it love it. Just wanted to type in an excerpt from Chapter 12, The Propriety of Miracles:
"For those who can suppose that God's external act, seen from within, would be that same complexity of mathematical relations which Nature, scientifically studied, reveals? It is like thinking that a poet builds up his line out of those metrical feet into which we can analyse it, or that living speech takes grammar as its starting point. But the best illustration of all is Bergson's. Let us suppose a race of people whose peculiar mental limitation compels them to regard a painting as something made up of little coloured dots which have been put together like a mosaic. Studying the brushwork of a great painting, through their magnifying glasses, they discovery more and more complicated relations between the dots, and sort these relations out, with great toil into certain regularities. Their labour will not be in vain. These regularities will in fact 'work'; they will cover most of the facts. But if they go on to conclude that any departure from them would be unworthy of the painter, and an arbitrary breaking of his own rules, they will be far astray. For the regularities they have observed never were the rule the painter was following. What they painfully reconstruct from a million dots, arranged in an agonising complexity, he really produced with a single lightning-quick turn of the wrist, his eye meanwhile taking in the canvas as a whole and his mind obeying laws of composition which the observers, counting their dots, have not yet come within sight of, and perhaps never will. I do not say that the normalities of Nature are unreal. The living foundation of divine energy, solidified for purposes of this spatio-temporal Nature into bodies moving in space and time, and thence, by our abstract thought, turned into mathematical formulae, does in fact for us, commonly fall into such and such patterns. In finding out these patterns we are therefore gaining real, and often useful, knowledge. But to think that a disturbance* of them would constitute a breach of the living rule and organic unity whereby God, from His own point of view, works, is a mistake. If miracles do occur then we may be sure that not to have wrought them would be the real inconsistency."
If you can't tell already, Lewis is thinking out the process of miracles. Before this chapter, he goes through different arguments, natural vs. supernatural... something to really read on your own... something I will probably have to read again to get more of a grasp. Whew. I'm now on page 173, have 121 pages to go!
*by disturbance, he means an intrusion into nature, a 'breaking' of natural law as we know it.
Monday, July 09, 2007
SOS Syndrome
Where I live in DC is an extremely convenient location. I walk to work, to the grocery store, CVS. There are tons of museums within 2 miles of my front door. And if need be, the closest metro stop is a mere half block away. I can get to plenty of restaurants and even my doctor that way.
However, there do come times when I need to go places that aren't metro accessible, or within walking distance. Georgetown being the main place that is difficult to get to. This is when cabs come in mighty handy.
Tonight I went to a Team In Training happy hour. It was at a place called Rosemary's Thyme Bistro. Close to Dupont Circle metro stop, but I didn't want to walk very far in the 97 degree heat (intolerable as put by the local news weather team).
*One of the things I use to justify taking cabs (instead of the bus for example) is that I don't have a car, so I don't pay for gas, insurance, car payment, etc.... so if I have to spend $20 in one nights... so be it. I don't do it very often, so I don't mind spending the money*
We had a good happy hour, a good turn out. Then it was time for me to leave. I got outside and caught a cab who had just filled up at the gas station across the street.
Now, the thing about me and riding in cabs is this; sometimes I'm in the mood to talk, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I can't understand what they're saying, so it doesn't matter anyway. Also, I find that it is a crap shoot, as far as how the ride will go. It can be a nice, clean cab, or kinda stinky. The A/C may be out. They can drive so crazy that I get car sick. The list could go on and on.
Tonight, a gentleman by the name of Leslie drove me home. Born in 1939, he has lived his whole life in DC. We were going along, small talking, 'is it hot enough for you,' is how he started the conversation. All of a sudden, a big Chrysler SUV started cutting people off in traffice, driving erratically. I said something like 'Geez!' Leslie said, 'they think they can drive that way, because of their big Chrysler.' He then proceeds to tell me that whe he first became a cab drive, he would have bad headaches everyday. Tylenol wouldn't help, but Excedrin did. He even got smart and starting taking Excedrin BEFORE the headache would come on. However, he began to wonder why he had these headaches in the first place. He finally realized it was because when another driver was being rude, he would just internalize their negativity (his words). He wouldn't say anything to let off the steam (my words). Then he realized, those guys were going home and sleeping at night, not even thinking of the things that had affected him, and he couldn't sleep because of his headaches and thinking about those rude drivers.
His solution was to look at people like that as having SOS Syndrome. Or, Stuck On Stupid Syndrome. He then was able to not let their negativity affect him anymore. No more headaches or sleepless nights for Leslie!
The rest of my ride home, he told me about angry drivers who would cuss him out, or even follow him. He told me a pretty good story about evading someone. He then told me about how he's had people of his own race threaten him (or course, leaving out the language that isn't suitable for a young lady). 'What the _____ are you looking at _____. I might have blown you away.' Sometimes just because they knew he was a cab driver. Once just because he was watching an attractive woman cross the street, and happened to have glanced at someone who didn't like him looking at him (he assured me that his wife of 30 years is the love of his life- the only one for him, but that if he sees an attractive women, he's gonna look!).
By the time he got to my house, he was still telling me stories, then explained to me why some cab drivers will refuse to drive places. That is against the law and they can be fined $250, just write down their name and licence number (which is displayed). This came up, because he told me about how he picked up a young lady, and when she got in the cab, she started crying. She had just been kicked out of another cab, because he didn't want to take her home, saying she lived in a dangerous area (he told me where she lived, not dangerous at all!). Leslie said he has a wife, daughters, grandaughters and a sister, and that you should watch out for young ladies. He then told me to have a great night, a great life, to keep on smiling, and to keep my sense of humor.
What a sweet man, and what a great experience. I will never forget him or the SOS Syndrome. Will definitely think of that when I ever start to let someone get me down. In a city where conversations tend to lean to the fake side, it was surprising to have that experience in a cab! You just never know when you be be taught a life lesson in such a way. Be on the look out for those times!
However, there do come times when I need to go places that aren't metro accessible, or within walking distance. Georgetown being the main place that is difficult to get to. This is when cabs come in mighty handy.
Tonight I went to a Team In Training happy hour. It was at a place called Rosemary's Thyme Bistro. Close to Dupont Circle metro stop, but I didn't want to walk very far in the 97 degree heat (intolerable as put by the local news weather team).
*One of the things I use to justify taking cabs (instead of the bus for example) is that I don't have a car, so I don't pay for gas, insurance, car payment, etc.... so if I have to spend $20 in one nights... so be it. I don't do it very often, so I don't mind spending the money*
We had a good happy hour, a good turn out. Then it was time for me to leave. I got outside and caught a cab who had just filled up at the gas station across the street.
Now, the thing about me and riding in cabs is this; sometimes I'm in the mood to talk, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I can't understand what they're saying, so it doesn't matter anyway. Also, I find that it is a crap shoot, as far as how the ride will go. It can be a nice, clean cab, or kinda stinky. The A/C may be out. They can drive so crazy that I get car sick. The list could go on and on.
Tonight, a gentleman by the name of Leslie drove me home. Born in 1939, he has lived his whole life in DC. We were going along, small talking, 'is it hot enough for you,' is how he started the conversation. All of a sudden, a big Chrysler SUV started cutting people off in traffice, driving erratically. I said something like 'Geez!' Leslie said, 'they think they can drive that way, because of their big Chrysler.' He then proceeds to tell me that whe he first became a cab drive, he would have bad headaches everyday. Tylenol wouldn't help, but Excedrin did. He even got smart and starting taking Excedrin BEFORE the headache would come on. However, he began to wonder why he had these headaches in the first place. He finally realized it was because when another driver was being rude, he would just internalize their negativity (his words). He wouldn't say anything to let off the steam (my words). Then he realized, those guys were going home and sleeping at night, not even thinking of the things that had affected him, and he couldn't sleep because of his headaches and thinking about those rude drivers.
His solution was to look at people like that as having SOS Syndrome. Or, Stuck On Stupid Syndrome. He then was able to not let their negativity affect him anymore. No more headaches or sleepless nights for Leslie!
The rest of my ride home, he told me about angry drivers who would cuss him out, or even follow him. He told me a pretty good story about evading someone. He then told me about how he's had people of his own race threaten him (or course, leaving out the language that isn't suitable for a young lady). 'What the _____ are you looking at _____. I might have blown you away.' Sometimes just because they knew he was a cab driver. Once just because he was watching an attractive woman cross the street, and happened to have glanced at someone who didn't like him looking at him (he assured me that his wife of 30 years is the love of his life- the only one for him, but that if he sees an attractive women, he's gonna look!).
By the time he got to my house, he was still telling me stories, then explained to me why some cab drivers will refuse to drive places. That is against the law and they can be fined $250, just write down their name and licence number (which is displayed). This came up, because he told me about how he picked up a young lady, and when she got in the cab, she started crying. She had just been kicked out of another cab, because he didn't want to take her home, saying she lived in a dangerous area (he told me where she lived, not dangerous at all!). Leslie said he has a wife, daughters, grandaughters and a sister, and that you should watch out for young ladies. He then told me to have a great night, a great life, to keep on smiling, and to keep my sense of humor.
What a sweet man, and what a great experience. I will never forget him or the SOS Syndrome. Will definitely think of that when I ever start to let someone get me down. In a city where conversations tend to lean to the fake side, it was surprising to have that experience in a cab! You just never know when you be be taught a life lesson in such a way. Be on the look out for those times!
30 FLIRTY AND THRIVING
Okay, so I've been 30 for almost 6 months now. I've gotta say, it has been fantastic. And no, there is no sarcasm there. I don't know if it's the getting-older-out-of-my-twenties---Thank God!---please let-the-uncertainties-cease feeling or what, but I feel as though I'm becoming more comfortable in my skin. I want to challenge myself more (hence the marathon, I guess), and really figure out how it is that I will live my life. Who is it I really want to be. I think I may have touched on this before in a blog, not sure. It just feels like it's slowly revealing itself to me, and every new little or big discovery / self-realization I make... just fills me with a kind of peace.
So yeah, that my no have anything to do with turning 30, per se. But it sure is making me LIKE being 30!
So yeah, that my no have anything to do with turning 30, per se. But it sure is making me LIKE being 30!
Maybe you could walk with me awhile / Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Maybe you could walk with me awhile / Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
That is from a Dierks Bentley song, 'Long Trip Alone.' I REALLLLY like that song. Makes me think of wanting to be in a relationship, of having a companion to spend time with, whose smile can put me at ease…
For the majority of my thirty years on this earth, I have been single. I have never been a serial dater, and could never understand people who hopped from relationship to relationship. Those people who say 'I've haven't been single since I was 16…' Yeah, I don't get that so much.
It just seems like I'm getting to the point in my life where I really want to find that 'certain someone.' Because it's not fun being alone all the time. And by alone I mean without the person who I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. Because I feel like I haven't even come close, and that maybe I'm not even capable of having 'that.'
Okay, that was a silly statement, because I guess everyone is 'capable' of it. It's just, for me, it seems a little bit impossible sometimes.
So, back to the song, it really is a long trip alone. And I don't want to do it by myself anymore. Life can be hard enough, family and friends are great for support, but to just have… more with someone. Just that extra… something… I can't wait to find it.
UPDATE: If you want to hear the song, just look over at my playlist. Fast forward if you need to!
That is from a Dierks Bentley song, 'Long Trip Alone.' I REALLLLY like that song. Makes me think of wanting to be in a relationship, of having a companion to spend time with, whose smile can put me at ease…
For the majority of my thirty years on this earth, I have been single. I have never been a serial dater, and could never understand people who hopped from relationship to relationship. Those people who say 'I've haven't been single since I was 16…' Yeah, I don't get that so much.
It just seems like I'm getting to the point in my life where I really want to find that 'certain someone.' Because it's not fun being alone all the time. And by alone I mean without the person who I could possibly spend the rest of my life with. Because I feel like I haven't even come close, and that maybe I'm not even capable of having 'that.'
Okay, that was a silly statement, because I guess everyone is 'capable' of it. It's just, for me, it seems a little bit impossible sometimes.
So, back to the song, it really is a long trip alone. And I don't want to do it by myself anymore. Life can be hard enough, family and friends are great for support, but to just have… more with someone. Just that extra… something… I can't wait to find it.
UPDATE: If you want to hear the song, just look over at my playlist. Fast forward if you need to!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
You stupid girl / All you had you wasted
There is a phenomenon that luckily I haven't been exposed to very often in my life. The 'mean girl.' Totally rude-to-your-face, yes-I've met-you-five-times-but-am-going-to-act-as-though-I've-never-met-you-before-in-my-life girls. Or better yet, tell you to your face that you're the only person in the room I don't know---even-though-I've-given-you-the-evil-star-down-numerous-times. The sad thing is these types of girls aren't fooling anyone. There is a reason why the guy is paying more attention to me. It's called self-confidence---a trait that most men find extremely sexy. It's all a girl really needs to get what she wants.
Perhaps it is because I have not one competitive bone in my body that I find this so perplexing. Hell, if a guy chooses someone over me, I just chalk it up to 'his loss' and move on, knowing that I'm better than any drama that can ensue from a situation like that.
Funny thing, I was reminded of a conversation I had in college with friends (two of which happened to be lesbians). I was always complaining about the guys that would come in and out of my life. One time, my friend L said, 'you should switch sides.' I replied back, 'why would I do that, girls are bitches.' And yes, after this past weekend, I was BOLDLY reminded of that.
The thing that bothers me the most is that there is no real, concrete reason for these girls not to like me. They haven't even given themselves the chance to get to know me---to make any decision to dislike me. It would bother me at first, and then I finally realized that it comes from their jealousy. And if they are going to waste their time disliking me for no good reason, then why should I waste my time worrying about it.
So, there were two girls like this in law school, and two girls like this up here. Both times, the same guy was involved. And the sad thing is I came out of both situations single. Maybe guys do like drama queens after all.
Ahh, I'm tired and frustrated. The End.
Perhaps it is because I have not one competitive bone in my body that I find this so perplexing. Hell, if a guy chooses someone over me, I just chalk it up to 'his loss' and move on, knowing that I'm better than any drama that can ensue from a situation like that.
Funny thing, I was reminded of a conversation I had in college with friends (two of which happened to be lesbians). I was always complaining about the guys that would come in and out of my life. One time, my friend L said, 'you should switch sides.' I replied back, 'why would I do that, girls are bitches.' And yes, after this past weekend, I was BOLDLY reminded of that.
The thing that bothers me the most is that there is no real, concrete reason for these girls not to like me. They haven't even given themselves the chance to get to know me---to make any decision to dislike me. It would bother me at first, and then I finally realized that it comes from their jealousy. And if they are going to waste their time disliking me for no good reason, then why should I waste my time worrying about it.
So, there were two girls like this in law school, and two girls like this up here. Both times, the same guy was involved. And the sad thing is I came out of both situations single. Maybe guys do like drama queens after all.
Ahh, I'm tired and frustrated. The End.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
"While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."
"While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."
So, I finally finished reading "The Problem of Pain," by C.S. Lewis. Whew, it took me awhile. For those of you who haven't read him before, his writing can be pretty dense (this is excluding his children's series, "The Chronicles of Narnia," which I read when I was about 8 ), I had to read many sentences a few times before moving on. I took a few months break after reading it halfway through, and as stated above, finished it... last night.
Anyway, thought I would retype three small excerpts from the last chapter, entitled 'Heaven.' I don't know, I just really enjoyed it, and wanted to share.
"Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."
"This signature on each soul may be a product of heredity and environment, but that only means that heredity and environment are among the instruments whereby God creates a soul. I am considering not how, but why, He makes each soul unique. If He had no use for all these differences, I do not see why He should have created more souls than one. Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you. The mould in which a key is made would be strange thing, if you had never seen a key: and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock. Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the Divine substance, or a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions. For it is not humanity in the abstract that is to be saved, but you- you, the individual reader, John Stubbs or Janet Smith...... Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."
"From the highest to the lowest, self exists to be abdicated and, by that abdication, becomes the more truly self, to be thereupon yet the more abdicated, and so forever. This is not a heavenly law which we can escape by remaining earthly, nor an earthly law which we can escape by being saved. What is outside the system of self-giving is not earth, nor nature, nor 'ordinary life,' but simply and solely hell. Yet even hell derives from this law such reality as it is. That fierce imprisonment in the self is but the obverse of the self-giving which is absolute reality; the negative shape which the outer darkness takes by surrounding and defining the shape of the real, or which the real imposes on the darkness by having a shape and positive nature of its own."
Okay, so those turned out longer than I expected. If you made it down to this side of the page, then you read the excerpts, and I hope you enjoyed them. If they made you want to read this or any of his other books, even better. And be assured, that even though these quotes are in the last chapter of the book, they in no way ruin the whole book for you! It's not like in 'When Harry Met Sally,' where Harry reads the last page of every book before he starts it.
So, I finally finished reading "The Problem of Pain," by C.S. Lewis. Whew, it took me awhile. For those of you who haven't read him before, his writing can be pretty dense (this is excluding his children's series, "The Chronicles of Narnia," which I read when I was about 8 ), I had to read many sentences a few times before moving on. I took a few months break after reading it halfway through, and as stated above, finished it... last night.
Anyway, thought I would retype three small excerpts from the last chapter, entitled 'Heaven.' I don't know, I just really enjoyed it, and wanted to share.
"Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."
"This signature on each soul may be a product of heredity and environment, but that only means that heredity and environment are among the instruments whereby God creates a soul. I am considering not how, but why, He makes each soul unique. If He had no use for all these differences, I do not see why He should have created more souls than one. Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you. The mould in which a key is made would be strange thing, if you had never seen a key: and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock. Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the Divine substance, or a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions. For it is not humanity in the abstract that is to be saved, but you- you, the individual reader, John Stubbs or Janet Smith...... Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand."
"From the highest to the lowest, self exists to be abdicated and, by that abdication, becomes the more truly self, to be thereupon yet the more abdicated, and so forever. This is not a heavenly law which we can escape by remaining earthly, nor an earthly law which we can escape by being saved. What is outside the system of self-giving is not earth, nor nature, nor 'ordinary life,' but simply and solely hell. Yet even hell derives from this law such reality as it is. That fierce imprisonment in the self is but the obverse of the self-giving which is absolute reality; the negative shape which the outer darkness takes by surrounding and defining the shape of the real, or which the real imposes on the darkness by having a shape and positive nature of its own."
Okay, so those turned out longer than I expected. If you made it down to this side of the page, then you read the excerpts, and I hope you enjoyed them. If they made you want to read this or any of his other books, even better. And be assured, that even though these quotes are in the last chapter of the book, they in no way ruin the whole book for you! It's not like in 'When Harry Met Sally,' where Harry reads the last page of every book before he starts it.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Pink Snow and Red Wine
So, it was a crisp 34 degress and I walked to work in the snow this morning. Let me tell you, I could have come into work a little late, but I really wanted to walk in the SNOW! I mean really, how often does an Arkansas girl get to do that? I think I've seen REAL snow less than 10 times in my life. So I definitely walked to work this morning. It was great feeling the crunch of snow under my feet and sinking into the snow drifts. To see the snow covered ground and trees. It was really great to see nature differently than I am used to. I absolutely loved it.
I was almost to work, thinking about how great my little walk was, and how much I can take it for granted. How I really need to look around more, appreciate the things around me. Then it hit me. Tomorrow, February 15 will be the 5th anniversary of my cousins death. Of how he was taken away from us so quickly, so violently, so unfairly. He had just turned 20. Yeah, I really need to look around more.
So, outside my building there was PINK SNOW! Now, I'm guessing this is colored salt, so you can see where the salt is, to avoid it. I began to think that if I were a little girl, I might have actually believed that pink snow could be made in the clouds. Its so amazing what you can believe as a child. Sometimes I miss that.
Well, my Valentine's day went by without incident. I had planned an exciting evening of doing my laundry, baking banana nut bread, and watching Lost. I ended up hanging out with two roommates, drinking red wine, watching 'The Way We Were,' and baking banana nut bread with chocolate chips. AND I finished my laundry. It turned out to be a blast! Every time the orchestra would build up to 'Memories,' we would just belt it out. Oh yeah, and I still watched Lost. Good times.
C.S. Lewis once said (and I'm paraphrasing), 'I never knew how grief could feel so much like fear.' Being reminded of my cousins death (well, I'm often reminded of it) just made me want to appreciate life even more, especially the little things, like hanging out with good friends and watching K-K-K-Katie and Hubble struggle through that strange thing called love. I definitely think that grief can make you fear losing what you have...Life. And I should really try hard not to take if for granted.
I was almost to work, thinking about how great my little walk was, and how much I can take it for granted. How I really need to look around more, appreciate the things around me. Then it hit me. Tomorrow, February 15 will be the 5th anniversary of my cousins death. Of how he was taken away from us so quickly, so violently, so unfairly. He had just turned 20. Yeah, I really need to look around more.
So, outside my building there was PINK SNOW! Now, I'm guessing this is colored salt, so you can see where the salt is, to avoid it. I began to think that if I were a little girl, I might have actually believed that pink snow could be made in the clouds. Its so amazing what you can believe as a child. Sometimes I miss that.
Well, my Valentine's day went by without incident. I had planned an exciting evening of doing my laundry, baking banana nut bread, and watching Lost. I ended up hanging out with two roommates, drinking red wine, watching 'The Way We Were,' and baking banana nut bread with chocolate chips. AND I finished my laundry. It turned out to be a blast! Every time the orchestra would build up to 'Memories,' we would just belt it out. Oh yeah, and I still watched Lost. Good times.
C.S. Lewis once said (and I'm paraphrasing), 'I never knew how grief could feel so much like fear.' Being reminded of my cousins death (well, I'm often reminded of it) just made me want to appreciate life even more, especially the little things, like hanging out with good friends and watching K-K-K-Katie and Hubble struggle through that strange thing called love. I definitely think that grief can make you fear losing what you have...Life. And I should really try hard not to take if for granted.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Bitter Pill
Tame me? Did you really think you could tame me.
Mold me into some bullshit fantasy-fulfillment for you? Well guess what. It ain't gonna happen.
But I guess you knew that already. How could you not have? I've become a challenge you can't win, and just like a sore loser, you slink away.
Poor you. Didn't get your way this time, did you? Well, I for one am not worried about it. I'm sure you'll find a lovely replacement,
one that you can smoosh down into
whatever it is you want.
Poor you? More like poor her.
The Airing of Grievances
* I absolutely can't stand my poor judge of character. It's only AFTER someone disregards my feelings that I realize what a selfish shit they are. I really need to open my eyes.
* I can't stand it that what I want out of life doesn't match with what I pursue. I've always beend told that I'm too picky, but I think I'm picky about the wrong things.
* I can't stand people who expect things to be handed to them, without having to work for it. And when I don't do what they wan't, there is something wrong with me.
* I can't stand the sheer amount of fake conversations I've had this past year. I'm ready to talk about something real, are you?
* I hate it that guys complain about what women want out of them, and completely disregard the fact that they expect just as much out of us.
* I'm ready for something more out of life. I'm tired of this selfish, singular existance.
* I hate that there were some great guys in my past that I just let slip by. What might have been... oh well.
* I hate when I second guess myself (see above).
* I hate when people underestimate me. And when I don't meet their expectation of... whatever, I'm not worth their time anymore. It's utterly amazing how intimidating a smart woman can be.
There are times when I just want to be alone, dang it. It doesn't mean I'm depressed, or mad, or anything else. I have the ability to just exist without the stimulation of others, and there are times when I enjoy that immensly.
Now let's do the feats of strength, shall we. SERENITY NOW!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Happiness is a decision
Here we go again, night owl Mandi. It's the last night I can do it before going back to DC, so I might as well take advantage (even though I'm exhausted from NYE, but that Boise State/OU game sure did wake me up!).
So, it sure is interesting how much you learn if you just shut up and observe people. NYE was such an interesting experience, very much more than any other. I saw people who were sad to be single, I had a guy follow me around like a puppy for no good reason (well, I guess he THOUGHT there was a good reason, but ha ha, he was wrong), and I guess everything I observed just reinforced my change in perception on relationships. Well, in the past year, I've had little things to point me in the right direction as far as how I need to 'choose' guys, to not get wrapped up in situations which aren't even good enough for me in the first place.
It really is true that the grass is greener on the other side. We are always envious of what other's have, and many of us never take the time to just stop and appreciate what we have. I find that it's a lot easier to feel sorry for the things that go wrong in your life, than to appreciate the things that go right in your life. Seems like human nature, to focus more on the bad than the good. It's all around us, in the media (both in politics and popular culture), everything bad gets the most attention.
So, just read the title of this blog. HAPPINESS IS A DECISION. You know whose fault it is if you dwell on only bad things? Yours. You know whose fault it is if you let people continue to take advantage of you? Yours. Pretty simple, if you ask me. It is just stupid to blame others for what is wrong in your life. You alone have the power to change the things that are bad for you, and to make changes for the better.
I think the solution is to just CHOOSE to be happy. Make the decision, and stick to it. Then follow through with it by make the right choices, to break those bad habits. Just stop it already! That's what I keep telling myself, over and over again. That guy took you for granted, because YOU LET HIM. That friend treated you like crap, because YOU LET HER.
So there you have it, maybe this could be considered a New Years resolution. I've never really done the whole resolution thing, but I think this could possibly be an easy one to follow.
So, it sure is interesting how much you learn if you just shut up and observe people. NYE was such an interesting experience, very much more than any other. I saw people who were sad to be single, I had a guy follow me around like a puppy for no good reason (well, I guess he THOUGHT there was a good reason, but ha ha, he was wrong), and I guess everything I observed just reinforced my change in perception on relationships. Well, in the past year, I've had little things to point me in the right direction as far as how I need to 'choose' guys, to not get wrapped up in situations which aren't even good enough for me in the first place.
It really is true that the grass is greener on the other side. We are always envious of what other's have, and many of us never take the time to just stop and appreciate what we have. I find that it's a lot easier to feel sorry for the things that go wrong in your life, than to appreciate the things that go right in your life. Seems like human nature, to focus more on the bad than the good. It's all around us, in the media (both in politics and popular culture), everything bad gets the most attention.
So, just read the title of this blog. HAPPINESS IS A DECISION. You know whose fault it is if you dwell on only bad things? Yours. You know whose fault it is if you let people continue to take advantage of you? Yours. Pretty simple, if you ask me. It is just stupid to blame others for what is wrong in your life. You alone have the power to change the things that are bad for you, and to make changes for the better.
I think the solution is to just CHOOSE to be happy. Make the decision, and stick to it. Then follow through with it by make the right choices, to break those bad habits. Just stop it already! That's what I keep telling myself, over and over again. That guy took you for granted, because YOU LET HIM. That friend treated you like crap, because YOU LET HER.
So there you have it, maybe this could be considered a New Years resolution. I've never really done the whole resolution thing, but I think this could possibly be an easy one to follow.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
It's the final countdown!
In less than one month I will be 30. That's right, the big three-oh. It's pretty unbelievable. It feels like I'm staring down one of those countdown clocks people put on their MySpace pages.
It's weird how much you learn as you get older. With every year comes more knowledge about yourself; your world view, what is really important in life, what you will put up with, things you need to accept.
The people in your life seem to have to deal with real, grown-up issues. You begin to understand your parents more, they become more like 'real people.' Gone are the days when there weren't many worries, and you almost embrace it.
Because who would want to live their life without any change? When I think back to my early 20's, I wouldn't go back there if you paid me. I think of how insecure I could be, and how much different I am now. I mean basically, I'm the same person, but (I would like to think) I've become a better version of myself.
So even though my parents basically supported me back then, I was really skinny, and there seemed to have been a lot more opportunities to meet single, good guys... okay, that is getting a little depressing... STILL, I'm glad to be leaving the ol' 20's. And I can't wait to see what lies ahead for me in life.
30 is still the new 21, right? Just checking...
It's weird how much you learn as you get older. With every year comes more knowledge about yourself; your world view, what is really important in life, what you will put up with, things you need to accept.
The people in your life seem to have to deal with real, grown-up issues. You begin to understand your parents more, they become more like 'real people.' Gone are the days when there weren't many worries, and you almost embrace it.
Because who would want to live their life without any change? When I think back to my early 20's, I wouldn't go back there if you paid me. I think of how insecure I could be, and how much different I am now. I mean basically, I'm the same person, but (I would like to think) I've become a better version of myself.
So even though my parents basically supported me back then, I was really skinny, and there seemed to have been a lot more opportunities to meet single, good guys... okay, that is getting a little depressing... STILL, I'm glad to be leaving the ol' 20's. And I can't wait to see what lies ahead for me in life.
30 is still the new 21, right? Just checking...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Don't judge a book by it's cover...
So, I finally made it to church this past Sunday. I'll have to say that I enjoyed it. When you get out of the practice of going to church, it's easy to forget how soothing it can be. Food for the soul.
Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.
I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.
But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So I was thinking of this phrase the other day, actually it's a phrase I think of often:
"If you don't know God, you can't know Love."
I know, I know, double negative, whatever. I think it's a powerful statement. I can't remember where I first heard that, but it's been a long time ago. Years and years. I tried to google it, but couldn't find anything. One thing similiar I found was:
"If you don't believe that God exists, where does your morality come from. God is LOVE and you can't know LOVE for me without LOVE for Him."
How great is that? I have found, through my dating guys that do not believe in God or in practicing religion, that they can say they love me, but certainly not show it. That maybe they believed they loved me, but didn't know what love really is. Because God is Love. If you don't know God, then how can you know anything about Love?
Yep, gotta find me a good Christian man, that's all there is to it.
Some people are under the impression that Christians think they're perfect. The reality is, we know with utter certainty that we are not. We strive for it, for moral perfection, and expect the same of others. But do we think we're perfect? Definitely not.
I know people who think church-goers are hypocritical. The thing is, at least they are trying. It would be a lot easier to just dismiss religion as pointless, and just go about life not worrying about being morally good. To do whatever we feel like, and not worry about the consequences. To go about life making up our own moral code, justifying our actions as human nature---and seeing morality as some old-fashioned, out-dated nonsense. Believe me, it would be A LOT easier. I've been there... it's easy to fall into that trap.
But you see, the thing is, giving all that up, the living-your-life-justifying-sin, seems so hard. It's a scary thing, trying to change your life. But as I have learned in the past, taking a leap of faith can be scary, but is always rewarding. Nothing bad can happen to someone who is trying to live a better life, to be a better person. Nothing AWFUL bad, at least. Bad things happen to people all the time, that's life.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So I was thinking of this phrase the other day, actually it's a phrase I think of often:
"If you don't know God, you can't know Love."
I know, I know, double negative, whatever. I think it's a powerful statement. I can't remember where I first heard that, but it's been a long time ago. Years and years. I tried to google it, but couldn't find anything. One thing similiar I found was:
"If you don't believe that God exists, where does your morality come from. God is LOVE and you can't know LOVE for me without LOVE for Him."
How great is that? I have found, through my dating guys that do not believe in God or in practicing religion, that they can say they love me, but certainly not show it. That maybe they believed they loved me, but didn't know what love really is. Because God is Love. If you don't know God, then how can you know anything about Love?
Yep, gotta find me a good Christian man, that's all there is to it.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Love
Wake up every morning thanking God for another precious day. Even if you feel alone, you aren't, you are loved more than you could ever imagine. I just had to put that thought down first, because it's something I try to tell myself everyday.
Now back to Love. It's such a pretty word, say it out loud. LOVE. A very elegant word, in my opinion. It's also a simple word. One-syllable. Oh, if were just that simple. But what in life is?
Here is a great quote I found:
"Do you want me to tell you something subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -Erica Jong
Anyway, I just can't wait to actually have that feeling, to feel that way and have someone feel it back. I feel like I'm readying myself for this, and just hope I am going in the right direction.
Now back to Love. It's such a pretty word, say it out loud. LOVE. A very elegant word, in my opinion. It's also a simple word. One-syllable. Oh, if were just that simple. But what in life is?
Here is a great quote I found:
"Do you want me to tell you something subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." -Erica Jong
Anyway, I just can't wait to actually have that feeling, to feel that way and have someone feel it back. I feel like I'm readying myself for this, and just hope I am going in the right direction.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
There is nothing wrong with being old-fashioned...
I must remember to keep telling myself this. Today's society does not seem to commend this attribute, especially in my age group. Of course I have fought this notion before, the phrase itself- 'old fashioned'- sounds like it equates to fuddy-duddyness.
Back in high school, I was a goody-goody. I never felt the need to rebel. I expected guys to treat me with respect, and they always did. I never ever thought that I gained that respect because of how I lived my life. I was the girl that sang in the choir ensemble, sang at churches, didn't drink, didn't hook up. I never realized that until this exact instant.
Back to when it all changed. After graduting high school, I went off to college. I was on my own, and didn't know what to do with myself. I easily fell into the trap of drinking, partying, just the 'normal' college experience that you see in movies. Can't say I was unhappy, but really can't say I was happy at this time. The guys I met, dated, etc... let's just say there weren't any meaningful relationship during that time for me.
*it's interesting to note that when I started partying so much, I abandoned what used to be a great source of comfort for me- going to church*
Once I graduated from college, I moved to a different city. I kept on partying like a college kid, until I went to grad school. Very boring place, so the partying pretty much stopped. Fast forward to today. I live in a big city, and at first partied like the rest of them. I have come to realize that DC is pretty much like college all over again. Which was a time of my life that I really thought I was past. But really, not much has changed. Even when I stopped going out so much, the guys I meet... I'm not saying are awful, mean people, but just not the kind of guys I want a serious relationship with.
I have thought a lot on why this keeps happening. Yes, I have come to a conclusion:
The way I live my life is the reason I attract bad guys (and by bad guys I mean both actual bad guys, and guys who aren't right (or are bad) for me). My switch from being a good church-going girl to a partying girl has made me unattractive to good guys, and attractive to bad guys. Pretty simple, huh? Yep, a very 'duh' moment.
So what to do about that? The obvious answer is to go to church, yep- get my butt in a pew. Easier said that done, at least for me. Pretty much all of my friends (the one's I hang out with) still like the going-out-bar scene. I feel as though if I quit hanging out with my friends, then I won't have any friends at all! Sounds silly, but it is a real concern.
Now I have always tried to talk myself out of changing (i.e. quit partying, go to church) by rationalizing that plenty of girls who live this way have boyfriends and get married. The way they live their life does not seem to have effected their ability to find someone. But I have come to the realization that this will not work for me, that the whole 'party scene' is not something that I am completely comfortable in--- it's not something that I enjoy a whole lot.
So, it sounds like I have a lot of changing to do. I really want to get started on in soon, because I am tired of not being happy. And I can't help but wonder if there are other girls out there who could use this epiphany of mine...
Back in high school, I was a goody-goody. I never felt the need to rebel. I expected guys to treat me with respect, and they always did. I never ever thought that I gained that respect because of how I lived my life. I was the girl that sang in the choir ensemble, sang at churches, didn't drink, didn't hook up. I never realized that until this exact instant.
Back to when it all changed. After graduting high school, I went off to college. I was on my own, and didn't know what to do with myself. I easily fell into the trap of drinking, partying, just the 'normal' college experience that you see in movies. Can't say I was unhappy, but really can't say I was happy at this time. The guys I met, dated, etc... let's just say there weren't any meaningful relationship during that time for me.
*it's interesting to note that when I started partying so much, I abandoned what used to be a great source of comfort for me- going to church*
Once I graduated from college, I moved to a different city. I kept on partying like a college kid, until I went to grad school. Very boring place, so the partying pretty much stopped. Fast forward to today. I live in a big city, and at first partied like the rest of them. I have come to realize that DC is pretty much like college all over again. Which was a time of my life that I really thought I was past. But really, not much has changed. Even when I stopped going out so much, the guys I meet... I'm not saying are awful, mean people, but just not the kind of guys I want a serious relationship with.
I have thought a lot on why this keeps happening. Yes, I have come to a conclusion:
The way I live my life is the reason I attract bad guys (and by bad guys I mean both actual bad guys, and guys who aren't right (or are bad) for me). My switch from being a good church-going girl to a partying girl has made me unattractive to good guys, and attractive to bad guys. Pretty simple, huh? Yep, a very 'duh' moment.
So what to do about that? The obvious answer is to go to church, yep- get my butt in a pew. Easier said that done, at least for me. Pretty much all of my friends (the one's I hang out with) still like the going-out-bar scene. I feel as though if I quit hanging out with my friends, then I won't have any friends at all! Sounds silly, but it is a real concern.
Now I have always tried to talk myself out of changing (i.e. quit partying, go to church) by rationalizing that plenty of girls who live this way have boyfriends and get married. The way they live their life does not seem to have effected their ability to find someone. But I have come to the realization that this will not work for me, that the whole 'party scene' is not something that I am completely comfortable in--- it's not something that I enjoy a whole lot.
So, it sounds like I have a lot of changing to do. I really want to get started on in soon, because I am tired of not being happy. And I can't help but wonder if there are other girls out there who could use this epiphany of mine...
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Chasing Fireworks
Have you ever felt like you were chasing after the ungraspable? It gets to where you don't even know what you are chasing after anymore, but you just keep going. This blog will be about my ever-evolving journey in this crazy-thing-called-life. I'm just looking for an outlet, and I hope you enjoy it...
MORE TO COME
MORE TO COME
Monday, October 09, 2006
Wasting My Time
I have decided to quit drinking like I have been. For now, just saying 'I will quit drinking as much' isn't working. I tend to have bad judgement when I drink- I sometimes don't demand the respect I deserve. I do no like the person I become when I'm this way.
So for now, I will just drink on special occassions, with probably a 3 drink maximum. Because I mean really, what will I be missing out on? Going to a bar, where it's always the same ol' thing. It's not like I'm making any lasting relationships with anyone I meet. I just end up being bored, yawning my face off, with a totally un-fun hangover the next day.
What it all boils down to is I want to start becoming the person that I really want to be- to move toward that. There really isn't any excuse not to, nothing to wait on. And I just know that I will be a lot happier if I just do it.
In a way it's like another leap of faith. What am I so scared of? What am I holding on to?
And I don't want anyone to feels as though I think it's a bad thing to do, to drink. I just know that its bad for me, that I need to take a step back from it. Its not like I haven't had great times with friends- hanging out, drinking, talking. Because I have. It's just that right now, in this time of my life, it isn't doing my any good. And I really want to fill my life with only good things.
So for now, I will just drink on special occassions, with probably a 3 drink maximum. Because I mean really, what will I be missing out on? Going to a bar, where it's always the same ol' thing. It's not like I'm making any lasting relationships with anyone I meet. I just end up being bored, yawning my face off, with a totally un-fun hangover the next day.
What it all boils down to is I want to start becoming the person that I really want to be- to move toward that. There really isn't any excuse not to, nothing to wait on. And I just know that I will be a lot happier if I just do it.
In a way it's like another leap of faith. What am I so scared of? What am I holding on to?
And I don't want anyone to feels as though I think it's a bad thing to do, to drink. I just know that its bad for me, that I need to take a step back from it. Its not like I haven't had great times with friends- hanging out, drinking, talking. Because I have. It's just that right now, in this time of my life, it isn't doing my any good. And I really want to fill my life with only good things.
Friday, September 29, 2006
I should go on more walks
So I'm staying in tonight, yeah I know its Friday, but I've been sick all week (I know, lame, whatever… I don't care). So I went on a much needed trip to CVS. As I was walking along, I noticed a squirrel climbing up a tree with something in its mouth. A really big something. When I got closer, I noticed it was another squirrel! A smaller squirrel. I literally gasped out loud… a hand over mouth gasp. For those of you who don't know, I had a squirrel as a special 'guest' in my house. And by special guest, I mean 'unwanted.' For three weeks it ran rampant, eating half an apple, but only taking one bite out of a banana (that was nice, I guess). For most of this time, I was the only one who saw it. It would actually run at me! So I have an extreme dislike for squirrels. Before, I thought they were kinda cute, running around with their acorns. Well not anymore…
So back to my story, the bigger squirrel was holding a smaller squirrel in its mouth. I thought I heard one of them squeak. Then it dropped the smaller squirrel to the ground. This is when I gasped out loud with my hand over my mouth. It made my stomach turn a little. It didn't move, and the bigger squirrel just stayed on the tree, waiting to go back down. I swear it acted like it was going to come at me (but I could be paranoid about that from past experiences). My first thought was 'are squirrels cannibals?' Because now I just assume any squirrel is up to no good. Then I thought that maybe the smaller squirrel was a baby, and the mom was trying to help it. Oh well, I would check it out on my way home from CVS.
So I'm walking along, and I pass a church, where a homeless man was laying at the front door. He was scratching his butt… under his pants. Now I usually feel sorry for homeless people when I see them, but this made my stomach turn a little. Maybe it was snowballing from the squirrel, who knows. Then I thought, 'is he really worried about what I think?' Some chick walking by, being queasy about him scratching his butt, is the least of his worries.
I make it to CVS, where there is another homeless guy- selling this newspaper that is written by homeless people (can't remember the name of it). He was very loudly and almost flamboyantly trying to sell it. He had a whole spiel. He said you could read poetry! Written by homeless people! You could help out the working homeless man! The one's that don't panhandle! For at least $1 you could enjoy this newspaper! He almost had me talked into it, but… not so much. He was gone when I left, or I might have gone ahead and bought one on the way out. I could use some good reading material. I just have no idea where that money would go. Besides, if I had any expendable income, I would gladly help out those less fortunate… by giving to organizations, not someone out on the street. But sadly, I do not.
So I was walking along, and I started thinking about an article I read on people.com (yes, I'm addicted, sue me). It was about how all of these Hollywood "It" girls are basically anorexic. I started thinking that these girls are who little girls look up to--- especially with fashion. I like how they dress- sometimes cute, sometimes classy, sometimes ridiculous. It's always fun to see what they wear (but I love clothes, so that's part of it). I started thinking about who I looked up to as 'fashion icons' when I was 8 (FYI: this article said girls that age are developing eating disorders). You know who I looked up to then for fashion? Madonna! Tiffany! Debbie Gibson! YIKES! But I would dress just as close to them as my parents would let me. I remember talking to my Mom probably 10-15 years ago about how fashion is cyclical, that things always come back in style—but that the 80's would NEVER come back, because the clothes were so awful. Well, it's back now, and kinda cute, I might add!
I also thanked the Lord that they weren't skinny stick girls, or I may have wanted to be, too. When I was 12 years old I was 5'3" and weighed 105 lbs. I was taller than all but one boy in my class! I remember one of the boys in my class (he was a tiny little thing) would always call me fat, but I would just ignore him. It never ever bothered me. I just hope if I ever have a little girl, she won't have to even think about the things little girls face these days.
So I'm still walking home. I get to the point where the squirrel fell from the tree. I don't see it there anymore. Then I glance down, and it was right next to my foot… dead It had moved about 3 feet. I gasped again. My ear even popped a little (weird). I would like to think the momma squirrel had tried to help the baby squirrel again, but it was too late. That maybe squirrels aren't evil after all. Anyway, I could not wait to get home.
Yeah, I should take more walks. You just never know what's going to happen, or what in the world will pop into my mind.
So back to my story, the bigger squirrel was holding a smaller squirrel in its mouth. I thought I heard one of them squeak. Then it dropped the smaller squirrel to the ground. This is when I gasped out loud with my hand over my mouth. It made my stomach turn a little. It didn't move, and the bigger squirrel just stayed on the tree, waiting to go back down. I swear it acted like it was going to come at me (but I could be paranoid about that from past experiences). My first thought was 'are squirrels cannibals?' Because now I just assume any squirrel is up to no good. Then I thought that maybe the smaller squirrel was a baby, and the mom was trying to help it. Oh well, I would check it out on my way home from CVS.
So I'm walking along, and I pass a church, where a homeless man was laying at the front door. He was scratching his butt… under his pants. Now I usually feel sorry for homeless people when I see them, but this made my stomach turn a little. Maybe it was snowballing from the squirrel, who knows. Then I thought, 'is he really worried about what I think?' Some chick walking by, being queasy about him scratching his butt, is the least of his worries.
I make it to CVS, where there is another homeless guy- selling this newspaper that is written by homeless people (can't remember the name of it). He was very loudly and almost flamboyantly trying to sell it. He had a whole spiel. He said you could read poetry! Written by homeless people! You could help out the working homeless man! The one's that don't panhandle! For at least $1 you could enjoy this newspaper! He almost had me talked into it, but… not so much. He was gone when I left, or I might have gone ahead and bought one on the way out. I could use some good reading material. I just have no idea where that money would go. Besides, if I had any expendable income, I would gladly help out those less fortunate… by giving to organizations, not someone out on the street. But sadly, I do not.
So I was walking along, and I started thinking about an article I read on people.com (yes, I'm addicted, sue me). It was about how all of these Hollywood "It" girls are basically anorexic. I started thinking that these girls are who little girls look up to--- especially with fashion. I like how they dress- sometimes cute, sometimes classy, sometimes ridiculous. It's always fun to see what they wear (but I love clothes, so that's part of it). I started thinking about who I looked up to as 'fashion icons' when I was 8 (FYI: this article said girls that age are developing eating disorders). You know who I looked up to then for fashion? Madonna! Tiffany! Debbie Gibson! YIKES! But I would dress just as close to them as my parents would let me. I remember talking to my Mom probably 10-15 years ago about how fashion is cyclical, that things always come back in style—but that the 80's would NEVER come back, because the clothes were so awful. Well, it's back now, and kinda cute, I might add!
I also thanked the Lord that they weren't skinny stick girls, or I may have wanted to be, too. When I was 12 years old I was 5'3" and weighed 105 lbs. I was taller than all but one boy in my class! I remember one of the boys in my class (he was a tiny little thing) would always call me fat, but I would just ignore him. It never ever bothered me. I just hope if I ever have a little girl, she won't have to even think about the things little girls face these days.
So I'm still walking home. I get to the point where the squirrel fell from the tree. I don't see it there anymore. Then I glance down, and it was right next to my foot… dead It had moved about 3 feet. I gasped again. My ear even popped a little (weird). I would like to think the momma squirrel had tried to help the baby squirrel again, but it was too late. That maybe squirrels aren't evil after all. Anyway, I could not wait to get home.
Yeah, I should take more walks. You just never know what's going to happen, or what in the world will pop into my mind.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Have a little faith
There is something to be said about taking that leap. Taking action without knowing the consequences, about making life better for yourself. I've often thought about my decision to go to grad school. I wasn't happy with the job I had in Little Rock, I was applying for jobs like crazy. I got an interview at a museum, and I swear it was my dream job. Well, I didn't get it. So I started researching on how I could make myself employable in a museum. I found that there are masters in museum studies programs, took the GRE, and applied to Baylor University. While going through those processes, I got another job. I actually enjoyed this job, but it was in sales, it was commission only, and just not something I could do long term. I told myself that if I got into Baylor, than it was a sign, and I would go without thinking twice. I remember the day they called to tell me I was in… it was like time stopped. I couldn't believe it! 2 months later I had moved to Waco, Texas. Never having stepped foot in that city, I was living there.
So while I was at Baylor, I had to do an internship. I decided to apply to the Smithsonian, only because there was a small chance my Dad might get a job there, so I could live rent free. I asked my professors for references, and decided on 3 different positions to apply. By the time the applications were due, my Dad took a different job, but I felt that I still needed to apply, because my professors had already sent in my references! So I filled out the application, very poorly I might add. I was supposed to write an essay, and I didn't! Just skipped right over that part. So imagine my surprise when I got a call, The Smithsonian Associates wanted to interview me. I really could not believe it! So they interview me, and offered me the internship the next day. OH.MY.GOSH. It was exactly what I was interested in- educational outreach programming.
Without ever even visiting DC, I was going to live there for 10 weeks! I needed to find a place to stay. My friend had lived there before, and suggested I go to washingtoncitypaper.com. I found an ad for a 5 bedroom all-girl group house, and e-mailed my interest. They replied back that I had to do a conference call with them. Another phone interview! The day after the interview, they called to say they picked me, and I was all set.
So I moved to DC, and boy was I nervous! The girls sounded nice, but I had not even met them, and now I was going to live with them. Luckily, I could not have found a better situation. Everyone was really nice, and I was able to keep in touch with most of them after I moved back to Texas.
Fast forward to 1 ½ years later. I had finished my coursework at Baylor, but had no luck finding a job. That meant moving back home, and continuing the search. I got an e-mail last November from Emily, one of my former roommates who still lived in the house. She was inviting me to a house party, at my old house. I casually mention it to my Mom, and she said she would pay for me to go. How great is she! So I went up for the party, and found out a room would probably be open the next May. Well, when I got home, Emily called to say the room would be available in February, and would I be interested. Um, yeah! I couldn't find a museum job, or any job for that matter in Arkansas, so what better place to look for museum work than Washington, DC! 3 months later, I moved back into the house I had lived in during my internship. How amazing is that?
So, if I had never had the courage to go to grad school, I would have never gotten the internship at the Smithsonian, and never moved to DC. If I had never moved to DC before, I wouldn't be here now. Its funny how that all works out. And even though I haven't found a museum job, I have a great job, where I am gaining amazing experience and contacts, and have a great time! I've met a bunch of nice, good people, and there is always something to do. Although I have to admit, I miss my family and friends immensely. It makes me sad that I'm not around to watch my new baby nephew be a baby/toddler. But I feel like I'm in the right place for now. After 6 months here, it's getting easier for me to realize and accept that.
There are times in life when you have to make choices. Some big, some small, some just plain scary. And when you are trying to make up your mind, you can make yourself miserable. But once you make the decision and act on it, it's like a whole new world opens up for you. I have been truly blessed in life so far, and I have figured out that all it takes is having a little faith… of course in God (who I've come to realize answers prayers in the most mysterious ways), but also in yourself.
So while I was at Baylor, I had to do an internship. I decided to apply to the Smithsonian, only because there was a small chance my Dad might get a job there, so I could live rent free. I asked my professors for references, and decided on 3 different positions to apply. By the time the applications were due, my Dad took a different job, but I felt that I still needed to apply, because my professors had already sent in my references! So I filled out the application, very poorly I might add. I was supposed to write an essay, and I didn't! Just skipped right over that part. So imagine my surprise when I got a call, The Smithsonian Associates wanted to interview me. I really could not believe it! So they interview me, and offered me the internship the next day. OH.MY.GOSH. It was exactly what I was interested in- educational outreach programming.
Without ever even visiting DC, I was going to live there for 10 weeks! I needed to find a place to stay. My friend had lived there before, and suggested I go to washingtoncitypaper.com. I found an ad for a 5 bedroom all-girl group house, and e-mailed my interest. They replied back that I had to do a conference call with them. Another phone interview! The day after the interview, they called to say they picked me, and I was all set.
So I moved to DC, and boy was I nervous! The girls sounded nice, but I had not even met them, and now I was going to live with them. Luckily, I could not have found a better situation. Everyone was really nice, and I was able to keep in touch with most of them after I moved back to Texas.
Fast forward to 1 ½ years later. I had finished my coursework at Baylor, but had no luck finding a job. That meant moving back home, and continuing the search. I got an e-mail last November from Emily, one of my former roommates who still lived in the house. She was inviting me to a house party, at my old house. I casually mention it to my Mom, and she said she would pay for me to go. How great is she! So I went up for the party, and found out a room would probably be open the next May. Well, when I got home, Emily called to say the room would be available in February, and would I be interested. Um, yeah! I couldn't find a museum job, or any job for that matter in Arkansas, so what better place to look for museum work than Washington, DC! 3 months later, I moved back into the house I had lived in during my internship. How amazing is that?
So, if I had never had the courage to go to grad school, I would have never gotten the internship at the Smithsonian, and never moved to DC. If I had never moved to DC before, I wouldn't be here now. Its funny how that all works out. And even though I haven't found a museum job, I have a great job, where I am gaining amazing experience and contacts, and have a great time! I've met a bunch of nice, good people, and there is always something to do. Although I have to admit, I miss my family and friends immensely. It makes me sad that I'm not around to watch my new baby nephew be a baby/toddler. But I feel like I'm in the right place for now. After 6 months here, it's getting easier for me to realize and accept that.
There are times in life when you have to make choices. Some big, some small, some just plain scary. And when you are trying to make up your mind, you can make yourself miserable. But once you make the decision and act on it, it's like a whole new world opens up for you. I have been truly blessed in life so far, and I have figured out that all it takes is having a little faith… of course in God (who I've come to realize answers prayers in the most mysterious ways), but also in yourself.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Oh my gosh!
I really can't take this anymore. I will be an aunt again any minute/hour now! My sis-in-law has been in induced labor for a few hours now. I can't sleep! This is driving me crazy! I hate that I'm not there right now...
Anyway, this amazing little life is about to begin, and I feel so connected already. Just like when my nephew was born. It's just so amazing to think... a new life. How great is that? Even when life throws you so many curves... it's still such a great thing. And to think that I will be a part of that life. For this new little person to know that I will be here for him/her (yes, it's a surprise!). To think of how my nephew is my heart, and that this new little person will be too. It's just amazing.
Anyway, this amazing little life is about to begin, and I feel so connected already. Just like when my nephew was born. It's just so amazing to think... a new life. How great is that? Even when life throws you so many curves... it's still such a great thing. And to think that I will be a part of that life. For this new little person to know that I will be here for him/her (yes, it's a surprise!). To think of how my nephew is my heart, and that this new little person will be too. It's just amazing.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
That Feeling
That feeling
What do you do with that feeling? That giddy, giggly, act-like-a-little-girl feeling? Does it make sense that it happens every time, every time we talk? That kind of feeling doesnt happen to me very often---especially not on this scale---so I feel at a loss when it does.
Awww, Im just in one of those moods. I know people who say they are sooo happy where they are in life. Not to say Im unhappy, but Im restless. I have always been restless. I think its safe to say Ive been restless since childhood. Always wanting something new; never satisfied with the environment I am in. I do not want to spend the rest of my life restless. It would be nice to finally feel stable--- to have something to come home to, to know that it is real and sure.
I feel like lately my mind is doing that searching thing again. Its a little different now than it has been before, maybe its because Im getting older, growing up. Growing inward, where I feel more in tune with my emotions, what I am truly feeling. Searching--- not exactly sure what for, but its there.
So, back to that feeling. What in the world do I do with it? Do I run away (as usual), do I let it take me over? Do I let myself fall, which by the way I am not good at doing? Really, the only reason to be afraid of heights is the pain that may result from falling. I guess I just want to be sure that someone will be there to catch me. I want to be assured of where I will land.
Because that feeling? That feeling is great, amazing. Its something that I want to feel every day.
What do you do with that feeling? That giddy, giggly, act-like-a-little-girl feeling? Does it make sense that it happens every time, every time we talk? That kind of feeling doesnt happen to me very often---especially not on this scale---so I feel at a loss when it does.
Awww, Im just in one of those moods. I know people who say they are sooo happy where they are in life. Not to say Im unhappy, but Im restless. I have always been restless. I think its safe to say Ive been restless since childhood. Always wanting something new; never satisfied with the environment I am in. I do not want to spend the rest of my life restless. It would be nice to finally feel stable--- to have something to come home to, to know that it is real and sure.
I feel like lately my mind is doing that searching thing again. Its a little different now than it has been before, maybe its because Im getting older, growing up. Growing inward, where I feel more in tune with my emotions, what I am truly feeling. Searching--- not exactly sure what for, but its there.
So, back to that feeling. What in the world do I do with it? Do I run away (as usual), do I let it take me over? Do I let myself fall, which by the way I am not good at doing? Really, the only reason to be afraid of heights is the pain that may result from falling. I guess I just want to be sure that someone will be there to catch me. I want to be assured of where I will land.
Because that feeling? That feeling is great, amazing. Its something that I want to feel every day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
