You stupid girl / All you had you wasted

There is a phenomenon that luckily I haven't been exposed to very often in my life. The 'mean girl.' Totally rude-to-your-face, yes-I've met-you-five-times-but-am-going-to-act-as-though-I've-never-met-you-before-in-my-life girls. Or better yet, tell you to your face that you're the only person in the room I don't know---even-though-I've-given-you-the-evil-star-down-numerous-times. The sad thing is these types of girls aren't fooling anyone. There is a reason why the guy is paying more attention to me. It's called self-confidence---a trait that most men find extremely sexy. It's all a girl really needs to get what she wants.

Perhaps it is because I have not one competitive bone in my body that I find this so perplexing. Hell, if a guy chooses someone over me, I just chalk it up to 'his loss' and move on, knowing that I'm better than any drama that can ensue from a situation like that.

Funny thing, I was reminded of a conversation I had in college with friends (two of which happened to be lesbians). I was always complaining about the guys that would come in and out of my life. One time, my friend L said, 'you should switch sides.' I replied back, 'why would I do that, girls are bitches.' And yes, after this past weekend, I was BOLDLY reminded of that.

The thing that bothers me the most is that there is no real, concrete reason for these girls not to like me. They haven't even given themselves the chance to get to know me---to make any decision to dislike me. It would bother me at first, and then I finally realized that it comes from their jealousy. And if they are going to waste their time disliking me for no good reason, then why should I waste my time worrying about it.

So, there were two girls like this in law school, and two girls like this up here. Both times, the same guy was involved. And the sad thing is I came out of both situations single. Maybe guys do like drama queens after all.

Ahh, I'm tired and frustrated. The End.

Bitter Pill

Tame me? Did you really think you could tame me.

Mold me into some bullshit fantasy-fulfillment for you? Well guess what. It ain't gonna happen.

But I guess you knew that already. How could you not have? I've become a challenge you can't win, and just like a sore loser, you slink away.

Poor you. Didn't get your way this time, did you? Well, I for one am not worried about it. I'm sure you'll find a lovely replacement,

one that you can smoosh down into

whatever it is you want.

Poor you? More like poor her.

The Airing of Grievances

* I absolutely can't stand my poor judge of character. It's only AFTER someone disregards my feelings that I realize what a selfish shit they are. I really need to open my eyes.

* I can't stand it that what I want out of life doesn't match with what I pursue. I've always beend told that I'm too picky, but I think I'm picky about the wrong things.

* I can't stand people who expect things to be handed to them, without having to work for it. And when I don't do what they wan't, there is something wrong with me.

* I can't stand the sheer amount of fake conversations I've had this past year. I'm ready to talk about something real, are you?

* I hate it that guys complain about what women want out of them, and completely disregard the fact that they expect just as much out of us.

* I'm ready for something more out of life. I'm tired of this selfish, singular existance.

* I hate that there were some great guys in my past that I just let slip by. What might have been... oh well.

* I hate when I second guess myself (see above).

* I hate when people underestimate me. And when I don't meet their expectation of... whatever, I'm not worth their time anymore. It's utterly amazing how intimidating a smart woman can be.

There are times when I just want to be alone, dang it. It doesn't mean I'm depressed, or mad, or anything else. I have the ability to just exist without the stimulation of others, and there are times when I enjoy that immensly.

Now let's do the feats of strength, shall we. SERENITY NOW!

Oh Bother!

I am consistently frustrated by the dualities in my life. The differences between my mind and spirit, between what I think I need and what I want, between reason and passion, the constant struggle to make the "right" choices. I feel like there has to be a better way. I just pray to God that one day it will all make sense. Because right now nothing makes sense...


Oh well, it's just one of those days I guess...

I just wanna...

...listen to music all night long with someone. Just saw the Red Hot Chile Peppers on SNL, reminded me of being a freshman in college. Listening to music with a cute guy; talking about Greenday, RHCP, Soundgarden- great bands back then. That was the most fun, greatest time. I don't seem to have those kind of "times" with guys anymore. Whatever happened to just sitting, talking about everything, things that you really like, are passionate about. Whatever happened...?