Wouldn't you know it? I'm restless.. again. Ahhhhh. It's a weird restless. Because in a way, I'm more content than ever, but in another way... I'm restless!
I'm content in that I feel as though I finally know how I want to live my life. Do you know how that feels? It feels great. I highly recommend to anyone to FIGHT for this. Fight whatever it is inside of you that is holding you back from how you want to live your life. WHATEVER or HOWEVER that is.
The hard part is actually going through with it. Will people still like me after all of this? Because I will be changing A LOT. I have already changed a lot. It's just that I haven't explained it to people. Do I have to? I think so. But maybe not. Ahhh, I don't know...
I am afraid. Afraid to lose friends. Afraid to push people away. But more afraid to NOT change. To NOT become the person I want to be.
I'm also anxious. Anxious to get on with it. Anxious to meet new people that I can talk to about this stuff. Anxious to meet a guy who will think the same way, who will know God as I do. Who will want to live this way. With me. I want to raise my kids (when and if I have any) with someone who sees eye to eye with me on this. Because religion is something that I just can't compromise on with a partner. I will never do that again.
So, if you are reading this, please pray for me. If you don't pray, please send me good wishes. I am trying, really trying. I am reminded of when my brother surrendered to preach. When he finally DID it; well, he has been happier than he has ever been. Although I'm not surrendering to preach, I am SURRENDERING. As a result, I'm happier than I've ever been, too. Finding that joy in your life... isn't that what it's all about?
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