I recently went to San Francisco to run/walk my first marathon. And I had an amazing moment when I was there. Just felt like sharing.
Let me preface this by referring you, dear reader, to some of my most recent blogs. To summerize, I have found myself in this 'place.' It is a turning point in my life journey, my spiritual journey, my Christian journey. I have had an incredible awakening, a series of real 'snap-out-of-it' moments.
In reaction to 'all of this,' I have been listening to Christian music. Last week I reconnected with an old high-school friend (on Facebook of course). He is in the music ministry, and has made a cd with his wife. I decided to buy it off of iTunes, and listen to it on my loooong flight to San Francisco.
All I gotta say is that it is my new favorite cd. Every song is amazing. Some of the songs really reflect what I am going through right now. Others are just amazing praise songs. And when I really like a cd, I will listen to it over and over again (I did this with Evanescence, Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood, too).
Now, back to San Francisco. We stayed in a great hotel, and I was supposed to have a Team In Training roommate. She ended up staying with family pretty much the whole time, so basically I had a room all to myself. I am confident there was a purpose to this. Another cool thing was that there was an iPod docking station in my room. Again, pretty sure there was a purpose to this.
So, it was Saturday afternoon. I had time to kill, and was supposed to be resting and relaxing for the marathon the next day. I listened to the cd again. And again. I really just felt the music, really listening to the words for the first time. Then I went to my window, and saw a cross.
And it all hit me at once, I began to cry, and say aloud "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I was speaking to God, to Jesus, conveying yet again the sorrow I felt from my selfishness. But you see, there was this other thing. I had finally, finally forgiven myself. And that really has made all the difference.
You see, I had an epiphany. All along, I knew, I knew that God had forgiven me of everything. But I truly couldn't forgive myself. And when I was in that place, that other one where I kept doing the same old things, feeling guilty, then doing it all over again... the reason I couldn't break the cycle was that I hadn't truly forgiven myself. In that hotel room, I finally did it, I finally felt worthy. WORTHY. And I had to do that to move on with this amazing journey.
And I can't explain it, but there has been this inexplicable shift. I feel different when I pray. Ahhh, so weird, it's like my mind has expanded, broadened, it's peaceful, it's wonderful. Wish I could share it with you. Hopefully this post can give you a glimpse (if you want it). I am just bursting, all I want to do is share how I feel.
Love and Blessings,
Mandi
P.S. Check out the music I listened to, Matthew and Lizi:
http://www.myspace.com/matthewandlizi
